she knew that she was doing wrong
i think it's distinctly possible that i'm getting like, actually sick. i'm always cold at home, no matter how high the heat is on in the house (and seriously -- i've got it on 74 right now and i'm still huddling under blankets -- my nose has been bleeding, the apartment's so dry from the heat). i'm lethargic, even if i've gotten a decent night's sleep. i'm not eating, at least not anything even remotely healthy, and i'm not even hungry most of the time. and that's not even mentioning the several instances over the last few days where i had this feeling in my throat like i was slowly, slowly losing the ability to breathe. it woke me up at 4.30 in the morning the other day. yesterday, technically, the day when i had to be up at 6.30 for work.
i went to the city to have dinner with jenna and summer yesterday, and i had a lot of fun. i was even okay with meeting summer (which i was afraid i wouldn't be, considering how.....neurotic i've been lately), who is really cool and nice and fun and random. but i kept having these moments of just......disconnect. and then we met up with summer's friends and it was suddenly just *too* *much*. i was exhausted and there were suddenly a lot more people and we weren't actually *doing* anything so i was just getting more drained by the second. and as much as i wanted to stay, i'm glad that i left, when i did, so that everything ended on a good note, cause i really had a lot of fun.
i want to connect, and i want to feel again. and i think that's part of the reason why i keep trying to stay connected to ashira, because so much of what's in my head right now is so wrapped up in her, how i feel about her, i don't even know what to do with myself. i felt so *alive*, so *real* with her, and now i don't have her, in any way, really, and all i feel is bad, if i feel anything at all. and i'm trying to get back to that place i was in before, where i felt good things. and sometimes i succeed......but then i feel guilty because i want to share all of my good feelings and times with her and i'm not. i *can't*. because she doesn't share anything with me anymore.
i lost myself, somewhere, somehow. again. how did i forget the lesson i learned so *definitively* the last time?? worse yet, how did i do it all on my own??
we wear our masks and tragic smiles
we laugh and quietly play along
knowing full well the glass is dirty
knowing too well our chance is gone
*sigh*
mwah.
~a