self-enforcing silence.
i want to say things.
i want to talk about how i'm constantly thisclose to fucking up my life by running away and hiding and just locking myself in a shell and pushing everyone away, deciding i can't take it anymore, any of it, and just throwing in the towel with everything.
i want to talk about how lonely i am and how unhappy i am on days like today when i have nothing to do and wish i did and have no one to call and be like, "hey, let's hang out".
i want to mention that i'm thinking about going to this get-together on wednesday (if they ever decide where it'll be) to try to make friends, but i'm too fucking scared to even introduce myself to the mailing list, let alone probably show up.
i want to talk about how insecure and unsure of myself i feel, all the time, because i have these ridiculous sexual feelings towards men that don't make any sense, not in my head, not in my heart, since i don't want anything else from them ever. and that makes me feel like a horrible lesbian. and about how badly i wish that i could make my feelings and my desires just *click*, like a puzzle, so that i could feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian, so that it wouldn't feel so much like people think i'm a liar, a fake, anytime the subject of my sexuality comes up.
i want to talk about all of this, and so much more. but svu just let me go, and now csi's sucked me in, and queer as folk's sucked my brain right out of my skull, and i'm just *so* tired, and i have to be awake at a ridiculous hour tomorrow morning and it's so late. and i feel *so* inhibited. *so* inhibited. because as much as i want to talk about all of these things, i don't want to, either. and i don't want to hurt anyone else, with anything i might have to say, either.
so instead, i'll just go to bed, alone and quiet, with all of my paranoia and my fears keeping me company for the evening.
mwah.
~a
i want to talk about how i'm constantly thisclose to fucking up my life by running away and hiding and just locking myself in a shell and pushing everyone away, deciding i can't take it anymore, any of it, and just throwing in the towel with everything.
i want to talk about how lonely i am and how unhappy i am on days like today when i have nothing to do and wish i did and have no one to call and be like, "hey, let's hang out".
i want to mention that i'm thinking about going to this get-together on wednesday (if they ever decide where it'll be) to try to make friends, but i'm too fucking scared to even introduce myself to the mailing list, let alone probably show up.
i want to talk about how insecure and unsure of myself i feel, all the time, because i have these ridiculous sexual feelings towards men that don't make any sense, not in my head, not in my heart, since i don't want anything else from them ever. and that makes me feel like a horrible lesbian. and about how badly i wish that i could make my feelings and my desires just *click*, like a puzzle, so that i could feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian, so that it wouldn't feel so much like people think i'm a liar, a fake, anytime the subject of my sexuality comes up.
i want to talk about all of this, and so much more. but svu just let me go, and now csi's sucked me in, and queer as folk's sucked my brain right out of my skull, and i'm just *so* tired, and i have to be awake at a ridiculous hour tomorrow morning and it's so late. and i feel *so* inhibited. *so* inhibited. because as much as i want to talk about all of these things, i don't want to, either. and i don't want to hurt anyone else, with anything i might have to say, either.
so instead, i'll just go to bed, alone and quiet, with all of my paranoia and my fears keeping me company for the evening.
mwah.
~a