a series of paragraphs that aren't necessarily related in any obvious way, but trust me, they are.
i've decided that i just don't know how people meet people once they're out of college and out into the real world. the problem is, it's something i really need to learn, quickly. otherwise i'm going to end up either continuing to pathetically look up old high school buddies for the rest of my life -- you know, trying to pretend like you have something in common with people you only *barely* had anything in common with back when you went to the same school? yeah -- OR alone and friendless for the rest of my days. more importantly, how did people meet people at ALL before the days of the internet?? most importantly, how do i overcome my insecurities and fears of rejection enough to actually get myself out there in the first place???
anyway. i had a.......fight? a while ago with the girlfriend, because i'll keep saying, "i need to go to the doctor" about my head, and then i won't do it, and she really wants me to. but then she tells me not ten minutes later that she gave blood today, and HASN'T EATEN ALL DAY. and she's wondering why she's feeling sick!!! so basically, she's frustrated with me for not taking care of myself, and i'm frustrated with her for not taking care of herself, and it's just this whole big stupidness. i mean, okay. i've had a horrible headache all day. when i have headaches like this, when i'm at home, safe, comfortable, and i make the mistake of laying down, i kinda.....drift. it's not sleep, it's just kind of.....floating. i lose the desire, the ability, to speak, until i come out of it, and even when i regain it, my voice sounds completely foreign to me, like a stranger's. i get that feeling, though, a lot. i spend so much time not speaking to anyone but myself, that sometimes i'm momentarily incapable of actually remembering, like, *how* to use my mouth to communicate. it's weird: at one point when i was with oz, my tmj was so bad that i wouldn't be able to open my mouth to speak for like, an hour after i woke up. and so i'd finger-spell everything out to him (since he'd tried to teach me sign language, for various reasons, and the only thing my pathetic memory had actually managed to retain was the alphabet), and we'd sit there, having this perfectly nice (though slow) conversation with me stuck being mute. and there'd be other times, times i just wouldn't *want* to speak, when i'd sign to him too......i have these moments, when i simply do not want to speak. i don't know why. i don't understand it. but it makes perfect sense, in my head, to just not speak.
about this new tags thing that livejournal has: i was determined not to use them, to just keep marking entries that i wanted to remember for whatever reason as memories and be done with it, but then xjournal put out a new version that has a tags line right in the client (which is not at all the way memories work). so now i'm probably gonna end up using them. le sigh. i don't *think* i'm gonna go all the way back to past entries and add tags to them, but going forward i'll do things like mark memes and stuff in the tags instead of the memories, i guess, since it makes the most sense to do it that way. i mean, memes specifically aren't necessarily things i want to *remember*, but they're things i want to mark so that i can go back and look to see if i've filled one out easily. so i guess that's a good use of them, yes? yes. good.
i had written em an email earlier this week, and a few days ago, she wrote me back. so today i wrote her back. it was weird, because i had like, this momentary like, regret, that our relationship ended so abruptly, so quickly, before we had the chance to actually truly *have* one. combine that with both juliet & jenna's first love inquiries........it's just random, and weird. i never really thought of em as my first love, but she kinda really was. and even though we now have a very successful, very fulfilling friendship, and i don't actually want anything more than that from her (at all), i still very occasionally find myself having these moments of......sadness. sadness that i was so stupid, then, so naive, and had such a horribly wrong idea of what love should be, what a romantic relationship should entail.
i'm listening to such weird, random music lately. i started listening to the rent soundtrack on my ipod practically nonstop at work last week (not really so random, what with the movie trailer and all, but still.....), and in the last hour alone i've listened to lindsay lohan (thanks to freaky friday being on tv -- not so random either, i guess....), live, liz phair, magnetic fields, rufus wainwright, and beethoven. weird! there's crap on mute on the tv not four feet away from me -- i use the tv as light sometimes after i've decided to get ready for bed but not actually *go* to bed (cause i'm on the computer, of course) -- and my stomach's all grumbly unhappy, and i've been popping tums like candy the last week or two and drinking soda like it was becoming extinct........and my head is still, somehow, floaty and just weird. and i don't want to speak, but i also want desperately for my girlfriend to call me back and tell me she's eaten *something* so i can stop worrying about her, and so i can stop worrying that she's upset at me for demanding that she get off the phone with me until she eats something.
dear ali. go to central park on wednesday?? not only do you need to walk, but you need......that familiarity. be sure to go to that same place. you know the one. thanks. but do NOT go to washington square, if you can help it. you know how depressing it is to walk through it or around it and *not* see the metal playground that was there when you went with cmoore and evilboywhosenamewenolongermentionever. don't put yourself through that. thanks. love, ali.
wtf?! how did a fucking symphony that i've listened to a million times before (and played more often than that) just make me feel like bawling?!
oz's screenname (the new one that he apparently got recently, not the one he had way back when) keeps popping up on my ichat window. it's why i haven't been online pretty much at all lately, is that it seems like every time i log on, his stupid screenname's there. and i'd gone quite a good long while without thinking of him........or at least thinking of him without hurting in the least. and it's not that it hurts to think of him now or anything -- it doesn't -- it's just disconcerting to see it there. "so, ali, why don't you just take him off your buddy list?", i'm sure you're wanting to ask me now. well......for the same reason i can't bear to take a phone number that's not in service anymore out of my phone, or any of the other methods i have of contacting him out of my phone/email/life. for the same reason mashiara.org still exists. it's just........yeah. yeah. i mean, even though i now have a life without him, a good one, for the most part, successful and content and emotionally fulfilling in most ways, he's still there. even though i've now pretty much come to the conclusion that, even though he swore up, down, left, right and every direction in between that he'd never lie to me, he had *never* lied to me, that in fact he *had* actually lied to me, on many occasions. i've decided that, though his emotions certainly seemed to be truth, and though i don't actually doubt that *they* were truth, as far as he knew, at the time, little else could've been.
rachmaninoff's second piano concerto is both the most beautiful and the saddest concerto i've ever heard. i don't know how much of that is in the music and how much is in my own head, in the connections that exist to it, but it's true. i'm sad that i never actually got to play the clarinet solo in the second movement, it's really beautiful. or did i? i don't *think* i did........but then, i played millions of orchestral parts i don't remember, so that doesn't really mean anything. regardless, i'm about 85% sure i never played this one. the possibility of perhaps getting that opportunity would almost be reason enough to start playing again. almost.
wikipedia is evil. i spent like, three hours late last night just wandering around, looking up *everything*. and i've decided i'm going to teach myself sql. i don't know why, since i'm not even really *exactly* sure what sql is. i mean, it's a programming language, okay. but does it actually work with anything that would be at all useful to me outside of my current job? in fact, would it technically even be at all useful to me *in* my current job, since i don't actually do any work with the servers themselves? i don't even know. maybe instead, i'll refresh my pascal knowledge. or, better yet, actually *learn* c. (by the way, wikipedia has an enormous article comparing pascal and c. i haven't gotten through all of it, but jesus. see how wikipedia is evil? yeah.) and maybe then i'll start trying to learn dutch.....and sign language......and refresh my calculus knowledge......and study philosophy.......and history.......and read levi-strauss, and rousseau, and kant, and nietzsche, and derrida, and barthes and foucault and lacan and jameson and lyotard and kierkegaard and shit, even baudrillard.......sigh. yeah. have i mentioned lately how completely *stupid* and *uneducated* i feel?? yeah.
because, see, the thing is is that as much as i do get kinda scared that there's something wrong with my head physically, i'm convinced that really, if i'm gonna suck it up and go to a doctor, it should be a shrink, because there's so much wrong with my head emotionally and mentally and chemically. i've been pretty much depressed, with very few manic periods, for pretty much months now (even my happiness has an underlying melancholy, an inertia, to it), and the fact of the matter is that i've never actually been *in* therapy for more than a few months, certainly not long enough to actually *trust* someone enough to talk to them honestly & openly (the only diagnosis i've ever gotten, back in high school, was mild depression, and all we ever actually talked about was how i felt about mom and dad and that whole situation, not actually what was in my head or any of the crazy things i do or say or think -- and i really am about 85% convinced that, were i ever to see someone consistently, my depression would be seen as only a piece of the issue, there's so many other just *fucked up* things in my head and life). i mean, the way i treat my body verges on abuse, really, i deny it everything it needs and/or asks for, unless it's bad for me, and i ignore it constantly. my relationship with food is *completely* unhealthy, and my relationship with my heart, my emotions? even more so. i've also always been to "insightful", too self-aware, for my own good.......i have defense mechanisms wrapped up in defense mechanisms. worst of all, i remember very, very little before say, the last five years or so -- so i can't even look back on my past and say, "this is why i am this way". you know??
anyway. it's late. this is long, and it doesn't actually tell you like, anything that's going on in my life right now, really. i'm not really tired, but i should *definitely* go to bed. thanks to anyone who got through any of this. you're a real trooper, you are. you should comment so i can give you a gold star. ;P
mwah.
~a