BtVS: Because I Do Not Hope to Turn
Title: Because I Do Not Hope to Turn
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Characters: Lydia Chalmers, Angel
Timeline/Spoilers: After “Never Leave Me,” but before AtS’s “Awakening.” Spoilers for “Never Leave Me” and "Long Day's Journey."
Rating: PG-13
Word Count:
Summary: Lydia goes to Angel for guidance.
Author’s Notes: Part of The Watcher’s Diaries of Lydia Chalmers for fanfic100. The prompt is #080, “Why?” Title from T.S. Eliot's "Ash Wednesday."
Because I Do Not Hope to Turn
If I tried to explain, you could never understand;
Explaining would only make a worse misunderstanding.
--T. S. Eliot
Lydia walked into the Hyperion office and came face to face with the vampire with the soul, Angel.
It wasn’t as if Lydia had never seen a vampire before. She had even fought ones before, in training and under control circumstances. She had interviewed William the Bloody-on whom Lydia had even then been the worldwide expert-flanked by operatives armed with crossbow and cross. (She had gone back alone later, but only after she found out about the chip.) Never before had she been in a room with a vampire where it was only the vampire’s sense of morality which prevented him from ripping out her throat
Of course, Angel was unique. He had a soul.
He looked at her, as if he was amused by her discomfort. Probably was; it wasn’t as if the vampire had any reason to hold any love towards the Watcher’s Council. Lydia remembered the Council refusing to help the poisoned Angel on the principle that they did not aid vampires, even souled ones. Another one of Wyndham-Pryce’s brilliant decisions. The Slayer herself had quit the Council in protest. Wyndam-Pryce’s own son had been fired as result of the brouhaha.
And, of course, there had been so many other things. The black ops team sent to capture Faith. The Summers girl’s Cruciamentum.
“So you have seen the First Evil.” He didn’t make it a question, so Lydia didn’t respond. She merely waited for the vampire to continue.
“The First Evil plays on your doubts, your fears. It manifests as whoever can do the most damage: people you’ve wronged, people you love. Anyone who is dead.”
“It appeared as Quentin Travers.”
That got a reaction. Angel looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. He wore an expression as if he couldn’t believe what she had just said.
“He was my mentor,” she explained.
Angel knew who Quentin Travers was, of course, and like the Council as a whole, it would not have been a name he would remember with any fondness. But he made no mention of Travers.
“It takes on the memories, the personalities of whoever it manifests as,” explained Angel. “It tells you whatever it takes to destroy you, to make yourself doubt yourself precisely when one is needed.”
Lydia nodded. “Last month, the headquarters of the Council were bombed-presumably by an agent of the First Evil. Travers died in that explosion, as did everyone else in the room, except me. There is no possible natural explanation, and the normal detectors for supernatural activity came up dry. Last week, the First appears to me as Travers and tells me that it saved me, so I could-I don’t even know what it wants me to do. But I know it can’t be good.”
“It fits the First’s M.O.,” Angel agreed. “As you no doubt know, Buffy sent me to a hell dimension in ’98. By the end of the summer, I was returned here, my soul intact. To this day, I couldn’t tell you how or why it happened. But it did.
“That winter, the First began to appear to me as people I had killed, both long ago and recent. It told me that I was brought back to drain Buffy. To be a monster.”
“Then what it tells you, it’s not true. It’s just lies?”
Angel shook his head. “It doesn’t need to lie. It has a much more powerful weapon: the truth. It told me I was going to drink Buffy. And I did.”
“But you didn’t kill her.”
“No.” Angel’s voice sounded distant, as if his mind were focused on an entirely different subject. “I didn’t kill her.” He paused, took a deep breath-or pretended to, since vampires didn’t breathe-then continued. “The last night the First manifested in front of me, I went to end my life in front of the rising sun. And it began to snow, blotting out the sun just as effectively as the sun is blotted out now.”
“Something intervened.”
“Something, somebody, I don’t know. I’ll probably never know. I’ll probably never know why I was sent back from the hell dimension. But you know what? I know that without the sun, it’s a 24-hour feeding frenzy for vamps in L.A. I know that there are a lot of people in danger, who need to be saved from those vamps. I know that we need to find out how to bring the sun back, or a lot more people will be in danger, more than I can possibly save. And in the end? That’s all I need to know.”
He walked over to a cabinet, took out an axe. “Now I’m afraid we have an apocalypse to deal with. I’d invite you to help us out, but I’m afraid that might cause a little friction with Wes. And believe me, we have all the friction with Wes right now that we can possibly handle.”
Lydia was intrigued by that comment, but felt it was best not to pry. “It’s okay,” she told the vampire. “I have things I need to take care of in England. But I’ll remember what you said.”
Angel exited the office, where he was joined by Wesley and a couple of other armed individuals, presumably members of the Angel Investigations team. “It’s not what one says,” Angel said, wielding the axe, as the group left the hotel, “it’s what one does.”
Go to The Watcher's Diary of Lydia Chalmers masterlist.
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Characters: Lydia Chalmers, Angel
Timeline/Spoilers: After “Never Leave Me,” but before AtS’s “Awakening.” Spoilers for “Never Leave Me” and "Long Day's Journey."
Rating: PG-13
Word Count:
Summary: Lydia goes to Angel for guidance.
Author’s Notes: Part of The Watcher’s Diaries of Lydia Chalmers for fanfic100. The prompt is #080, “Why?” Title from T.S. Eliot's "Ash Wednesday."
Because I Do Not Hope to Turn
If I tried to explain, you could never understand;
Explaining would only make a worse misunderstanding.
--T. S. Eliot
Lydia walked into the Hyperion office and came face to face with the vampire with the soul, Angel.
It wasn’t as if Lydia had never seen a vampire before. She had even fought ones before, in training and under control circumstances. She had interviewed William the Bloody-on whom Lydia had even then been the worldwide expert-flanked by operatives armed with crossbow and cross. (She had gone back alone later, but only after she found out about the chip.) Never before had she been in a room with a vampire where it was only the vampire’s sense of morality which prevented him from ripping out her throat
Of course, Angel was unique. He had a soul.
He looked at her, as if he was amused by her discomfort. Probably was; it wasn’t as if the vampire had any reason to hold any love towards the Watcher’s Council. Lydia remembered the Council refusing to help the poisoned Angel on the principle that they did not aid vampires, even souled ones. Another one of Wyndham-Pryce’s brilliant decisions. The Slayer herself had quit the Council in protest. Wyndam-Pryce’s own son had been fired as result of the brouhaha.
And, of course, there had been so many other things. The black ops team sent to capture Faith. The Summers girl’s Cruciamentum.
“So you have seen the First Evil.” He didn’t make it a question, so Lydia didn’t respond. She merely waited for the vampire to continue.
“The First Evil plays on your doubts, your fears. It manifests as whoever can do the most damage: people you’ve wronged, people you love. Anyone who is dead.”
“It appeared as Quentin Travers.”
That got a reaction. Angel looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. He wore an expression as if he couldn’t believe what she had just said.
“He was my mentor,” she explained.
Angel knew who Quentin Travers was, of course, and like the Council as a whole, it would not have been a name he would remember with any fondness. But he made no mention of Travers.
“It takes on the memories, the personalities of whoever it manifests as,” explained Angel. “It tells you whatever it takes to destroy you, to make yourself doubt yourself precisely when one is needed.”
Lydia nodded. “Last month, the headquarters of the Council were bombed-presumably by an agent of the First Evil. Travers died in that explosion, as did everyone else in the room, except me. There is no possible natural explanation, and the normal detectors for supernatural activity came up dry. Last week, the First appears to me as Travers and tells me that it saved me, so I could-I don’t even know what it wants me to do. But I know it can’t be good.”
“It fits the First’s M.O.,” Angel agreed. “As you no doubt know, Buffy sent me to a hell dimension in ’98. By the end of the summer, I was returned here, my soul intact. To this day, I couldn’t tell you how or why it happened. But it did.
“That winter, the First began to appear to me as people I had killed, both long ago and recent. It told me that I was brought back to drain Buffy. To be a monster.”
“Then what it tells you, it’s not true. It’s just lies?”
Angel shook his head. “It doesn’t need to lie. It has a much more powerful weapon: the truth. It told me I was going to drink Buffy. And I did.”
“But you didn’t kill her.”
“No.” Angel’s voice sounded distant, as if his mind were focused on an entirely different subject. “I didn’t kill her.” He paused, took a deep breath-or pretended to, since vampires didn’t breathe-then continued. “The last night the First manifested in front of me, I went to end my life in front of the rising sun. And it began to snow, blotting out the sun just as effectively as the sun is blotted out now.”
“Something intervened.”
“Something, somebody, I don’t know. I’ll probably never know. I’ll probably never know why I was sent back from the hell dimension. But you know what? I know that without the sun, it’s a 24-hour feeding frenzy for vamps in L.A. I know that there are a lot of people in danger, who need to be saved from those vamps. I know that we need to find out how to bring the sun back, or a lot more people will be in danger, more than I can possibly save. And in the end? That’s all I need to know.”
He walked over to a cabinet, took out an axe. “Now I’m afraid we have an apocalypse to deal with. I’d invite you to help us out, but I’m afraid that might cause a little friction with Wes. And believe me, we have all the friction with Wes right now that we can possibly handle.”
Lydia was intrigued by that comment, but felt it was best not to pry. “It’s okay,” she told the vampire. “I have things I need to take care of in England. But I’ll remember what you said.”
Angel exited the office, where he was joined by Wesley and a couple of other armed individuals, presumably members of the Angel Investigations team. “It’s not what one says,” Angel said, wielding the axe, as the group left the hotel, “it’s what one does.”
Go to The Watcher's Diary of Lydia Chalmers masterlist.