I Answer Your Questions!
Joss Whedon (RPF)
River Tam (Firefly)
April Skouris (The 4400)
Amy Madison (Buffy)
Annie James (The Parent Trap)
Prof. James Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes)
Bobby Drake (X-Men movieverse)
Stepford Cuckoos (X-Men comicsverse)
Tina Majorino (RPF)
Madison Sinclair (Veronica Mars)
Amy turns Madison down. Prof. Moriarty puts out a hit on Madison anyway; the next morning she is found dead in her bedroom from air gun wounds.
2. 1 (Joss), 3 (April), 7 (Bobby), and 8 (the Cuckoos) decide to start a band. Who plays what instrument? What music do they play? How do they break up?
Joss plays the keyboard, Bobby the bass, April is guitar and vocals, and the Cuckoos are percussion and backup vocals. They play pop music. They break up when the Cuckoos decide Joss is a little too excited about having teenaged girls with superpowers in the band.
3. 2 (River) builds a time machine. Where in time does 2 go and what trouble do they cause there?
River goes back and time and murders Giles and McGonagall. No, wait, that's my remix.
4. 5 (Annie) and 9 (Tina) co-write a novel. What is it about? What creative conflicts do they have?
It's about a little orphan girl who has adventures and constantly gets the better of both adults and her peers and is awesome. Tina wants to write an urban fantasy, while Annie yearns for something more Dickensian; they compromise by writing magic realism set in the 1920's.
5. 3 (April) and 4 (Amy) open a chain of fastfood restaurants across the midwest. What kind of food do they serve, is the business a success, and would one run out on the other with all the money?
They serve soggy burgers, which Amy magically brainwashes everyone into believing are delicious, which of course makes the business a raving success. Both April and Amy are extremely capable of running out on the other with all the money.
6. 8 (the Cuckoos), 2 (River), 7 (Bobby), and 9 (Tina) are transported back in time to ancient Rome and made to serve as gladiators. Which one uses the sword and shield, which one the net and trident, which one does battle via chariot and bow and arrow, and which one refuses to compete on moral grounds, thereby winding up tiger food? Also, who survives in the three-way battle?
Erm, the only person who has anything to fear from the lions is Tina, since she's the only one who's not superpowered. If forced, she'd fight with a net and trident (and die, obviously). If somehow you did manage to get the people with superpowers to fight, River would mop the arena floor with both the comicsverse Cuckoos and movieverse Bobby (assuming that she can keep the Cuckoos out of her head but, frankly, who would want to go into River's head?).
7. 1 (Joss) and 10 (Madison) are hitchiking. Who gets picked up by a motorist most quickly and why?
Let's see. Does the pretty young blonde schoolgirl or the eccentric, slightly-disheveled middle-aged man get picked up first? Hmm. That's a tough one.
8. 5 (Annie) and 6 (Moriarty) are walking through the forest one day when the Big Bad Wolf appears and asks them what's in the picnic basket. What do they do?
The idea of Annie James and Professor Moriarty and the Big Bad Wolf all in one place has seriously broken my brain. I mean, I really can't answer this question. My mind just shuts down.
9. 4 has just completed a manuscript which ze believes is highly publishable. Who does ze choose as a literary agent (or otherwise turn to for help with it?)
She just magics her way through the submission process, giving herself a huge advance. It's easier that way.
10. 1 (Joss), 5 (Annie), and 8 (the Cuckoos) watch television together. Who's a slasher?
Joss, of course. That much is canon. Also Celeste, although Phoebe and Mindee think she's crazy. Annie thinks Dean and Sam of Supernatural have major UST, but she may just be projecting her own issues onto the text.
11. 2 (River) and 6 (Moriarty) accept a bounty to bring the convicted 9 (Tina) to justice. What was 9 (Tina) convicted of, and what happens?
Being the awesome? But of course River and Moriarty still hunt her down, and Tina dies.
12. What squicks 7 (Bobby)?
Skunks.
13. If 1 (Joss) hired 6 (Moriarty) to play a role in a new project, what role would it be?
You mean like acting? Moriarty would play Quentin Travers' predecessor in Ripper, and then the lead in a postmodern pseudo-historical biopic about Charles Babbage.
14. 9 (Tina) and 3 (April) run away together. Whence, why, and whither?
April falls in love with Tina and becomes totally devoted to her. Tina gets bored of being worshiped, and so tries to change it up by bringing April with her on a wild and crazy road trip.
15. 10 (Madison) hires 1 (Joss) and 6 (Moriarty). What's the job, and do 1+6 successfully complete it?
She wants them to do her homework for her. However, her teachers catch on when she hands in an beautifully profound second act to No Exit (penned by Joss) to her English teacher for a creative writing assignment, and a brilliant refutation of the Four Color Theorem (penned by Moriarty) to her math teacher, and thus she gets caught.
16. 6 (Moriarty) hires 1 (Joss), 4 (Amy), 8 (the Cukoos), and 9 (Tina) to teach at hir school. What subjects do they teach?
Moriarty clearly wants to bring up future geniuses and super-heroes so that he can indoctrinate them and make them serve his evil plans. So Joss teaches literature and composition, Amy teaches witchcraft/wizardry as well as co-teaching ethics with Celeste, Celeste also teaches history, Phoebe teaches math, Mindee teaches health and sex ed, all three Cuckoos co-teach a basic "telepathy for non-telepaths" class to teach shielding techniques and whatnot, and Tina teaches drama and music.
17. Suppose 2 (River), 3 (April), 5 (Annie), and 7 (Bobby) attend this school and are in the same year. Who has a crush on a teacher, and which one? Who's top of their class? Who's captain of the Quidditch team?
Annie has a crush on Joss, while April has a crush on Mindee, which is strange between April is straight and Annie isn't. River is the Quidditch captain, naturally, as well as being the top of the class, until they stick needles into her face and make her crazy.
18. If 10 (Madison), 6 (Moriarty), 8 (the Cuckoos), and 4 (Amy) ran a supernatural detective agency who's a) muscle, b) research, c) vision-getter and heart and d) leader. (Suppose c/d of necessity share some mystical bond that will eventually lead to sex unless some terrible fate befalls them. What terrible fate will befall them?)
The Cuckoos are leader by virtue of the fact that there's five/four/three of them and so they automatically outvote everybody else no matter what. Moriarty is research of course, and Amy lends her witch-muscles. Madison is pretty much Cordelia already, so she's heart (does she get a monkey?). As for the terrible fate that will befall them to prevent Madison and the Cuckoos from sexing, well, does Warsong count?
19. If 2 (River) and 6 (Moriarty) were contracted to kill 3 (April), what weapons would they use?
Erm, River doesn't need weapons in order to kill April. But Moriarty would probably insist that River do it from a distance using an air gun, just to be safe.
20. 7 (Bobby) and 9 (Tina) were trapped on a deserted island with no food, so 7 ate 9. How does 7 explain 9's absence to 5 (Annie)? When 9's ghost appears to 4 to get 4 to avenge 9's death, how does 4 react (Amy)?
Bobby just acts dumb and Annie assumes that Bobby isn't smart enough to have managed to have eaten someone as awesome as Tina. When Tina's ghost appears to Amy, Amy has to be convinced why she should care about this act of cannibalism, but finally agrees to hex Bobby so that he ends up eaten by bears.