First Rule of Buying Online: Read Reviews Before You Buy
Hello friend! Feeling glum? Allow me to cheer you up with a visit to Amazon.com. We're not going to buy anything, just enjoy some reviews.
Yeah, yeah, I'm aware that most people discovered funny Amazon reviews years ago, but for me it was only TWO years ago and there have been some particularly good ones I've discovered recently. This is an art, you know. I tried to stay away from the most well-known ones (Tuscan Whole Milk, horse head mask, Three Wolf Moon t-shirt).
PRODUCT: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
CHOICE REVIEW: "If God does not exist, then how is it that a banana fits so perfectly in this banana slicer? CHECKMATE, ATHEISTS!"
PRODUCT: Bic Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen
CHOICE REVIEW: "I'd really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father's or husband's permission first. Like I do with all my financial decisions."
PRODUCT: Fresh Whole Rabbit
CHOICE REVIEW: "Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot."
PRODUCT: 8 & 10-Row Aluminum Bleachers w Central Aisle & Railing
CHOICE REVIEW: "So I bought these bleachers last night. They have arrived today already after I paid 1K for shipping, which is pretty decent when you think about the size. I'm very happy with my purchase. I put it right in front of my TV and it's the perfect piece of furniture to watch sports and sitcoms on. It gets a little uncomfortable at the top row as my head hits the ceiling all the time, but I'd trade this for a good view of my living room!"
PRODUCT: BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen
CHOICE REVIEW: "As a discriminating Meth user, I'm always disappointed with the colored pens
I steal occasionally. After serious thought to quitting my habit, imagine my delight at finding this product! The easy twist removal of the pen itself from the tube got my interest but the clear tube, that was the clincher! Now I can see exactly how much residue I have left to scrape when my funds are low, and the plastic is very resistant to heat, whether using foil, or a torch lighter! Kudos to a handy product!"