am i in wonderland or something?
i'm not really sure where to start writing. i have this old friend. he's nineteen now, but i remember when he was twelve. just this good innocent kid. and fourteen he got upset if we cursed in front of him. the kinda kid who...just seemed perfect. smart, talented, honorable, brave, funny, in love with God, innocent, sweet, fun to be around, thoughtful, honest, caring, compassionate....he came from this perfect family. i've always said his mom was my role model. i want to be like her when i grow up. she is strong, creative, loving, confident, passionate....her and her husband have what appears to be the perfect marriage. they go on date nights and sit in starbucks and hold hands and just all that sap. she cooks and bakes and sews and writes and directs plays at church and sings and she's just a truly beautiful woman. amazing taste. awesome clothes. this amazing, smart, handsome, talented son and a sweet, spirited, confident, individualistic, inspiring, caring daughter. basically that sets the story up. so tonight i discovered that this friend of mine is going to be a dad. whoa. hold on. wow. i have no judgment for him within me. he is the kind of man who would make an amazing father. he would be so good with little girls. but oh, wait...he's still a little boy. how the heck. hold on. he's just...well let's just say of everyone i know i thought he'd be the one to wait. and here i am...realizing...i'm jealous. i'm jealous of teenagers with babies. what the? that's ridiculous, right? but it's not. i'm twenty-four freakin' years old and i can't have one right now. i'm not allowed to. i'm not in the situation to. i'm not prepared to. i'm not married. i'm not stable enough. it can't happen now. and this isn't the way i want it to happen....but i do want it to happen. i want that. i am so in love. i am so not afraid. i think i would make a good mom. what if i never get the chance. what if something happens first. it just. it. just. it. yeah. i wish i wasn't like this to be honest. i'm not desperate to have a baby by any means. i want to wait for the right time and do it in the right way and be smart and responsible and stable first. able to fully take care of it. but yeah...i do want it to happen. i guess it seems like i know an awful lot of teenagers with babies that seem to have it all worked out, all taken care of....everything just falls into place when my cousin gets his eighteen year old girlfriend pregnant, or my female cousins get pregnant at eighteen or nineteen. everything just works out when a friend gets pregnant at eighteen while recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. everything is working out for this friend and his girlfriend. but if it were me....at twenty-four, a grow, adult woman, it would be the end of the freakin world. it just...doesn't seem....fair. and i know life's not fair. trust me i know. and i don't mean to whine and be a baby about this, and i know i sound ridiculous and that the whole thing is stupid....but i guess i just needed to vent. just get it off my chest. and then there's my love. my amazing boyfriend who would make an incredible father who loves me and says the most romantic things and accidentally, without knowing it, makes me want it all the more.