How I Fell Out of "Love" with You
I don't remember exactly when it was, but I think I sat up one day and realised that you are not the kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. To be honest, I don't remember ever thinking wanting to be with you for the rest of my life before either, but it suddenly struck me. It may seem like such a sudden epiphany, but I believe it was the result of watching you self-sabotage yourself for years, of your ineptness at practically everything and of the lack of your interest in my well-being and character, that I finally thought that I don't want this anymore. At that moment, I think I was ready to grow up, to welcome adulthood in some way-even though I didn't know it yet. At that moment, I swear I wanted a man, no longer interested in boys.
That was also the first time in my life that I fell out of (what I used to believe, in some way, was) love with someone, without first having to meet someone new. It was the first time I decided to stop having feelings for someone because of myself, because I wanted something different for myself-something ultimately better. The few months afterwards felt strange-almost lighter-because I wasn't constantly checking my phone and concerned about whether a guy found me repulsive/attractive, but in a good way. It was a whole world of possibilities and I was ready for anything, because I wasn't looking.
I think I saw you again not long afterwards. You treated me a tad differently and I was elated. I almost fell back in "love" with you. But I predicted how you would react afterwards, and everything happened almost exactly as I foresaw it, so I knew I made the right decision. It was time to let go. It was time to grow. Maybe I'd been growing anyway, but you stayed more or less the same, and I couldn't keep stopping to let you catch up with me-I won't.
Don't get me wrong. I think I will always have a special spot for you in my heart. My feelings for you will never disappear; they just changed form. If, before, I wanted you to be my spouse, someone who would love me romantically, now I think of you like a little brother from another set of parents. I still want to help you be happy, I still want to protect you and take care of you-but I no longer want you to be my partner for as long as we live. In fact, I feel almost grossed out by the idea of us being together in that way-funny, right? Especially if you remember just how obsessed I was with you-and how clingy and shit.
It was as if God switched something on in my mind to set me up for (what could potentially be) my soulmate. It was a couple months afterwards, I believe, when He started the ball rolling for me and the future love of my life. He was-and is-so different from you. In him, I found pretty much all the qualities I wished you had, although he also lacked ones that I found attractive in you. But he showed me a whole other world and he made me fall in love with him. It almost never occurs to me that he's actually younger than you-he is so much more mature than either of us! He changes me as a person and he changes the way I view the world. He tells me things I wish you had, but didn't. I can count on him time and time again, even when I thought I couldn't. He makes me love him more every single day.
No one ever said it was one absolute point when I decided not to have feelings for you anymore. That was the goal, but it took me several months to get over you. It was hard to distinguish the way I used to feel and the way I do feel about you now. Sometimes, even now, I wonder if there are still pieces of my heart you never returned-but later on know that I can never become indifferent to you. But it will never again be the same way as it used to be. It will never be the way I feel about the love of my life now. And I wish one day you'll feel something similar-or greater-for someone else too.