smile like you mean it
disclaimer: this is long. and boring. and mainly just for me to write my feelings about the year so i dont forget all the Lord did in my life. ha thats all my entries anyways. so dont feel obligated. and dont say i didnt warn you.
ok, so a little late, but it took me some time to think over the year of 2005.
january brought just as many questions as 2004. how much time is too much? is this worth anything? is it all or nothing? is confusion from satan or God testing my patience? some still remain unanswered. most were answered with a slap in the face. but that comes a few months later...
february brought lies and distance from once-close friends. unfortunately most of the lies were mine. man, its crazy how much satan had a hold on me. well, has. still. wont he always? at least to a point. hmm.
march...oh march. in like a lamb and out like a lion. isnt that how the saying goes? congrats, you get the vote for most dramatic month of the year. march brought most of the deception, but also the end of it. and by deception-- thats mine. mid-march brought a long-needed but long-dreaded conversation, ending one of the greatest friendships ive ever been blessed to be a part of. she told us she'd rather be semi-close to all 14 girls instead of really close to us. thus ended wednesday afternoon coffees at beans and dinners and always knowing who to call and my best friend since age two. my other best friend claimed "lots of people dont talk to their dates" as his excuse for using me. hmm. mexico brought release, and a home away from home. i hate change, and new places, and unfamiliarity. but this.. this was different. speaking to them in their own language is one of the most intense things ive ever experienced. maria. ill never forget. i was so humbled when she came up to me, and asked ME for a bible. i was too busy trying to do my photography project to notice her heart. that she was lost and wanted jesus so much. she became my new photography subject as she proudly clutched her new testament with her new birthday in it with her new ear-to-ear smile because of her new life. two days after returning, and eight months from the start of it all, i ended it for good. why did it take me six months too long? i tried to be there. i tried to keep us friends so i could "be a good influence". what was i thinking? God doesnt need me. but i do long for Him to use me. later the same week brought more tears as i truly moved on.
on to april....hmm...not too much. may brought graduation, which seems like an eternity ago. i did get to speak with none other than T.O. in the audience. so that was exciting?!?
june reconciled with march. i have never experienced love so strongly or felt the holy spirit heal my heart as much as that night sitting on the nasty sidewalk in pennsylvania, with the creepy bus driver eavesdropping. my stubbornness had again ripped apart a beautiful friendship and caused it to ruin. but the Lord is faithful.
july was just awkward.
august-november brought change, and newness, and vulnerability. it brought a crazy boy who taught me again how crucial it is to guard my heart. again, the Lord was faithful and trusting Him proved to be difficult but worthwhile. as always.
this fall also brought a beautiful new friendship with a beautiful girl. not just beautiful in the sense that the world uses it. but beautiful in "that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." one whom i respect very much. i always kind of thought we could be friends, since apparently we live the same life. but the Lord turned it into one of the biggest blessings. thanks for everything. i love you. you know that.
december was mixed signals, and confusion, but just enough to keep it interesting. we shall see. and of course, beloved time with those who know me best.
the first thing i saw in january left a lot to be expected. satan is attacking. but its good. because i am ready to fight. in fact, i prayed for a fight.
bring it.
ok, so a little late, but it took me some time to think over the year of 2005.
january brought just as many questions as 2004. how much time is too much? is this worth anything? is it all or nothing? is confusion from satan or God testing my patience? some still remain unanswered. most were answered with a slap in the face. but that comes a few months later...
february brought lies and distance from once-close friends. unfortunately most of the lies were mine. man, its crazy how much satan had a hold on me. well, has. still. wont he always? at least to a point. hmm.
march...oh march. in like a lamb and out like a lion. isnt that how the saying goes? congrats, you get the vote for most dramatic month of the year. march brought most of the deception, but also the end of it. and by deception-- thats mine. mid-march brought a long-needed but long-dreaded conversation, ending one of the greatest friendships ive ever been blessed to be a part of. she told us she'd rather be semi-close to all 14 girls instead of really close to us. thus ended wednesday afternoon coffees at beans and dinners and always knowing who to call and my best friend since age two. my other best friend claimed "lots of people dont talk to their dates" as his excuse for using me. hmm. mexico brought release, and a home away from home. i hate change, and new places, and unfamiliarity. but this.. this was different. speaking to them in their own language is one of the most intense things ive ever experienced. maria. ill never forget. i was so humbled when she came up to me, and asked ME for a bible. i was too busy trying to do my photography project to notice her heart. that she was lost and wanted jesus so much. she became my new photography subject as she proudly clutched her new testament with her new birthday in it with her new ear-to-ear smile because of her new life. two days after returning, and eight months from the start of it all, i ended it for good. why did it take me six months too long? i tried to be there. i tried to keep us friends so i could "be a good influence". what was i thinking? God doesnt need me. but i do long for Him to use me. later the same week brought more tears as i truly moved on.
on to april....hmm...not too much. may brought graduation, which seems like an eternity ago. i did get to speak with none other than T.O. in the audience. so that was exciting?!?
june reconciled with march. i have never experienced love so strongly or felt the holy spirit heal my heart as much as that night sitting on the nasty sidewalk in pennsylvania, with the creepy bus driver eavesdropping. my stubbornness had again ripped apart a beautiful friendship and caused it to ruin. but the Lord is faithful.
july was just awkward.
august-november brought change, and newness, and vulnerability. it brought a crazy boy who taught me again how crucial it is to guard my heart. again, the Lord was faithful and trusting Him proved to be difficult but worthwhile. as always.
this fall also brought a beautiful new friendship with a beautiful girl. not just beautiful in the sense that the world uses it. but beautiful in "that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." one whom i respect very much. i always kind of thought we could be friends, since apparently we live the same life. but the Lord turned it into one of the biggest blessings. thanks for everything. i love you. you know that.
december was mixed signals, and confusion, but just enough to keep it interesting. we shall see. and of course, beloved time with those who know me best.
the first thing i saw in january left a lot to be expected. satan is attacking. but its good. because i am ready to fight. in fact, i prayed for a fight.
bring it.