(no subject)
"i'll be lucky if i see you graduate"
that's the kind of attitude that beats cancer.
so much of me wants to leave. leaving would mean starting over, getting away, being able to get over things and there are so many reasons. but for every reason i have to go, i have a reason to stay. i don't know what to do. i have a lot of time to decide but i feel like i'm presssed for time.
as childish as this sounds i couldn't leave my mom. she's honestly all i have. i never had a mom and a dad a brother a dog and a white picket fence around my house. i had a mom a dad that wasn't there and a little brother who didn't understand anything. i couldn't leave her after everything. she has done and still does so much for me.
what if i leave and i hate it there? what if i leave and i love it.. would i miss the few friends i have? would i miss being here for spirit week, or homecoming, or variety show, or the senior prom.. or even just being here everyday. as much as i hate it..it's home.
what if i leave and i miss out on his last few months? this is probably the last chance i'll have to have any kind of relationship with my real dad. maybe we could have a real father daughter relationship.. he could talk to me instead of yell. hug me instead of hit me. be proud of me for once, and not complain that i wasn't a boy that could play football and baseball. something more than money on my birthday and "hey is your mother there?" on the telephone. it's so hard to see someone that was once so strong waste away. i don't want to be here in the end.
that's the kind of attitude that beats cancer.
so much of me wants to leave. leaving would mean starting over, getting away, being able to get over things and there are so many reasons. but for every reason i have to go, i have a reason to stay. i don't know what to do. i have a lot of time to decide but i feel like i'm presssed for time.
as childish as this sounds i couldn't leave my mom. she's honestly all i have. i never had a mom and a dad a brother a dog and a white picket fence around my house. i had a mom a dad that wasn't there and a little brother who didn't understand anything. i couldn't leave her after everything. she has done and still does so much for me.
what if i leave and i hate it there? what if i leave and i love it.. would i miss the few friends i have? would i miss being here for spirit week, or homecoming, or variety show, or the senior prom.. or even just being here everyday. as much as i hate it..it's home.
what if i leave and i miss out on his last few months? this is probably the last chance i'll have to have any kind of relationship with my real dad. maybe we could have a real father daughter relationship.. he could talk to me instead of yell. hug me instead of hit me. be proud of me for once, and not complain that i wasn't a boy that could play football and baseball. something more than money on my birthday and "hey is your mother there?" on the telephone. it's so hard to see someone that was once so strong waste away. i don't want to be here in the end.