In search of love... or at least lots of sex
Today at work, we were reading through the newspapers, and Bob (my boss) started reading out those ads that people put in to find companionship. You know, those Help Wanted Ads, "looking for someone who loves long walks along the beach" kinda thing. Some of them were just outrageous, like one woman was 56 I think, and was looking for a "ganster man." Yes. Reread that. A "ganster man." She's 56 freaking years old people. Is she talking oldschool Italian mob shit, or a hardcore gansta rapper deal? I really don't think it matters, this lady obviously had issues.
There were also several women who labeled themselves as "full figured." In other words, they were overweight, bordering on morbidly obese.
In the midst of reviewing these desperate pleas sent out by people looking for the love of their life, or some possible way of getting laid, I wondered what I would write in one of these ads. I decided that it would have to be ridiculously precise. You always encounter the ones that run along the lines of "looking for a female with light eyes or is Native American" (yes, that was another example from the paper) but what if it was even more exact in what sort of companion you are hunting for? Also, in my description of myself, I be completely honest, and maybe lie while I'm at it. You know what I mean. So my ad would go something like this:
Single white male. About 5'7", weighing 195 lbs. Not very good looking. Has the inability to grow normal facial hair, and obviously has not successfully completed puberty. This can also be observed in his lack of genitalia size. Undoubtedly will become bald as life progresses. Has a gut. Ok, is kinda fat. Decent strength, has potential for good body, but ultimately fails to care. Looking for a white female with green eyes, and brownish hair. Needs to be 5'5". Exactly 5'5". If you are shorter, maybe you will grow. If you are taller, stop reading, because you are a freak. Must have a basic understand of sports, and needs to enjoy watching football. Cannot be a New York Jets, a Miami Dolphins, or a New York Yankees fan. Cannot like Antoine Walker. Must realize that Bledsoe is a bum. Needs to understand that A Rod slaps balls. Needs to be able to read and write. In high school and college, must have at least a 3.4 GPA. Must be attractive enough to make people think "how the hell did that guy get in with her?" Must enjoy sexual activity. Must not have any STDs. Must be able to walk, in order to go on long walks on the beach, which are stupid, but hopefully will get you in the sack quicker. Must enjoy comedy, especially Will Ferrel and Anchorman, because it is amazing. Must be able to quote at least three lines from Boondock Saints. Must have a birthday on June 4. Cannot be a vegitarian or vegan, because that's retarded. Cannot be a hippie, because hippie's suck. But most importantly, must be open to the ménage à trois, because that is hot.
There were also several women who labeled themselves as "full figured." In other words, they were overweight, bordering on morbidly obese.
In the midst of reviewing these desperate pleas sent out by people looking for the love of their life, or some possible way of getting laid, I wondered what I would write in one of these ads. I decided that it would have to be ridiculously precise. You always encounter the ones that run along the lines of "looking for a female with light eyes or is Native American" (yes, that was another example from the paper) but what if it was even more exact in what sort of companion you are hunting for? Also, in my description of myself, I be completely honest, and maybe lie while I'm at it. You know what I mean. So my ad would go something like this:
Single white male. About 5'7", weighing 195 lbs. Not very good looking. Has the inability to grow normal facial hair, and obviously has not successfully completed puberty. This can also be observed in his lack of genitalia size. Undoubtedly will become bald as life progresses. Has a gut. Ok, is kinda fat. Decent strength, has potential for good body, but ultimately fails to care. Looking for a white female with green eyes, and brownish hair. Needs to be 5'5". Exactly 5'5". If you are shorter, maybe you will grow. If you are taller, stop reading, because you are a freak. Must have a basic understand of sports, and needs to enjoy watching football. Cannot be a New York Jets, a Miami Dolphins, or a New York Yankees fan. Cannot like Antoine Walker. Must realize that Bledsoe is a bum. Needs to understand that A Rod slaps balls. Needs to be able to read and write. In high school and college, must have at least a 3.4 GPA. Must be attractive enough to make people think "how the hell did that guy get in with her?" Must enjoy sexual activity. Must not have any STDs. Must be able to walk, in order to go on long walks on the beach, which are stupid, but hopefully will get you in the sack quicker. Must enjoy comedy, especially Will Ferrel and Anchorman, because it is amazing. Must be able to quote at least three lines from Boondock Saints. Must have a birthday on June 4. Cannot be a vegitarian or vegan, because that's retarded. Cannot be a hippie, because hippie's suck. But most importantly, must be open to the ménage à trois, because that is hot.