Storm Warriors or Aaron Kwok is hot again!
So I went and watched Storm Warriors, aka, Storm Riders II. Storm Riders for those who do not know was the original HK martial arts action film which was the first to combine high production CGI effects and wirework martial arts in a film (it looks pretty dated now), and it was about two boys Wind and Cloud who were destined to create a kingdom and also bring it down.
In that first movie they were blood brothers, and then rivals, fall in love with the same woman (who was then killed), hate each other, and then band together to save China.
So you would think the sequel would be pretty charged right? RIGHT?
I didn't understand a lot of the new film, simply because you go in, expecting these two to be all bromancy, training together without shirts after the ending of that first movie, and if they're not friends, at least they spend some heavy duty time together, either in UST or in a charged YOU ARE MY RIVAL WAY.
... And yet no, no you get nothing. NOTHINGGGGG.
The sequel somehow lacked any emotional core that the first had. Even the charged meaningful looks of the first movie were somehow lost in this one.
Cloud who is basically mute played by Aaron Kwok (whom you have to give it to, found his hot again after his Jewish Concentration camp stage) has a pretty hilarious perm and wig on. But at least HE delivers some gratuitious shirtless scene.
Wind, played by Ekin Cheung whom I have had a desperate crush on since his Young and Dangerous days is getting on in years but you can't say he still isn't dashing with his swishy hair.
I was just so lost in this movie. The effects were GOOD, but nothing compared to say 300 (since there just wasn't enough homoeroticism), or even FFAC. There was a LOT of slow motion, but otherwise the camera was so stable. For once I, who LOVE tripods, just wanted them to throw something on a stick and stop framing everything to be a midshot. It got tiresome quickly. There were slow motion scene which didn't need to be slowed down since you know where the dude jumping up is heading with that sword ---- down. And OH LOOK HE STEPPED DOWN EXCEPT REALLY SLOWLY. At least other films, when this happens the guy jumping up gets derailed somehow.
My main bitch though is the COMPLETE LACK OF SLASHY SATISFACTION which is all this movie had going for it. It's such a sexist film where the women do not get to talk, to anyone else but their love interests and even then its to call out their names in a high pitched damsel in distress cry for help. Otherwise they don't even talk to each other when they're in the same room, for no reason.
Wind and Cloud for all their BLOOD BROTHERHOOD, and long history don't actually share many scenes where they are not fighting for no damn reason. All I'm asking for is one scene where they sit around a fire and share a smile or something yeesh. Instead Cloud doesn't talk, Wind is pensieve and just as silent, and the looks between them are less meaningful as they are fraught with confusion.
The plot itself was incoherent. A conquering dude wants to gain the DRAGON BONE which is the backbone of China, kidnaps the Emperor for it. Does the Dragon bone... give him invincibility? Doesn't look like it, it's like a spine on a chair (I'm totally serious). He's also already pretty much invicible. Does the Dragon bone give him extra powers or anything? No? He doesn't really get more powerful, it's literally a spine.
I mean I know if I walked into a country and held up a SPINE and said I HAVE THE BACKBONE OF YOUR NATION, BOW DOWN. The nation would be... Uhh... you know that's just symbolic right, I mean no one actually cares. It's like owning the crown jewels. Just because you own something doesn't make you absolute monarch.
The funniest bit, which I think was completely unintentional was when Cloud learned a completely new sword technique and asked his respected teacher to name the style. And the teacher called Nameless carved a new kanji on the wall.
Cloud:... I can't read that. (Audience: LOL HE CANNOT READ BECAUSE HE'S POOR LOL)
Nameless: I made it up. (Audience: What. I mean we expected it, sort of but for you to come right out and say it...)
Cloud: What does it mean?
Nameless: I combined 'cloud' and 'sword' to make this word, and it will be the name of your new style.
Cloud: Oh. Please tell me what my new technique will be called.
Audience: *Expects something truly badass like, CARVING HEAVENS SWORD TECHNIQUE or something*
Nameless: Yes, it is called, "Ba."
Audience: Uh.
Cloud: *gives his teacher this look that I can only read as OMG WHY DID I GIVE YOU THE HONOUR OF NAMING MY INVINCIBLE TECHNIQUE WTF KIND OF NAME IS BA YOU OLD STOOGE?* Ba?
Nameless: BA.
Audience: *stunned silence at this astounding piece of dialogue*
And then they're attacked by the Immortals from 300. I kid you not.
Anyway, the most disappointing thing about this film is that they took it so seriously. No fanservice, they clearly were pandering to the select audience of those 200 people who actually read those comics, and the few who saw the first movie.
And to top it off, THERE IS NO SLASH FANFICTION FOR THIS FILM
WTF GUYS? IT'S BEEN OUT SINCE 1998!!!! TEN YEARS. SOMEONE MUST'VE WRITTEN SOMETHING. I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE HAS WRITTEN PORN FOR THIS IN TEN YEARS.
WTF IS THE INTERNET FOR ANYMORE.
I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED OF YOU ALL.
UGH.
I MEAN CAN YOU GET GAYER THAN TWO CHARACTERS CALLED WIND AND CLOUD?!
LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE ALMOST HOLDING HANDS
WHERE IS THE WIND/CLOUD FIC (in that order since Cloud would be hotter as a power!bottom)
WHEREEEEEEEEE GODDAMN.
Meanwhile, because of this film, I've lost my phone on the train DDDDDD:
In that first movie they were blood brothers, and then rivals, fall in love with the same woman (who was then killed), hate each other, and then band together to save China.
So you would think the sequel would be pretty charged right? RIGHT?
I didn't understand a lot of the new film, simply because you go in, expecting these two to be all bromancy, training together without shirts after the ending of that first movie, and if they're not friends, at least they spend some heavy duty time together, either in UST or in a charged YOU ARE MY RIVAL WAY.
... And yet no, no you get nothing. NOTHINGGGGG.
The sequel somehow lacked any emotional core that the first had. Even the charged meaningful looks of the first movie were somehow lost in this one.
Cloud who is basically mute played by Aaron Kwok (whom you have to give it to, found his hot again after his Jewish Concentration camp stage) has a pretty hilarious perm and wig on. But at least HE delivers some gratuitious shirtless scene.
Wind, played by Ekin Cheung whom I have had a desperate crush on since his Young and Dangerous days is getting on in years but you can't say he still isn't dashing with his swishy hair.
I was just so lost in this movie. The effects were GOOD, but nothing compared to say 300 (since there just wasn't enough homoeroticism), or even FFAC. There was a LOT of slow motion, but otherwise the camera was so stable. For once I, who LOVE tripods, just wanted them to throw something on a stick and stop framing everything to be a midshot. It got tiresome quickly. There were slow motion scene which didn't need to be slowed down since you know where the dude jumping up is heading with that sword ---- down. And OH LOOK HE STEPPED DOWN EXCEPT REALLY SLOWLY. At least other films, when this happens the guy jumping up gets derailed somehow.
My main bitch though is the COMPLETE LACK OF SLASHY SATISFACTION which is all this movie had going for it. It's such a sexist film where the women do not get to talk, to anyone else but their love interests and even then its to call out their names in a high pitched damsel in distress cry for help. Otherwise they don't even talk to each other when they're in the same room, for no reason.
Wind and Cloud for all their BLOOD BROTHERHOOD, and long history don't actually share many scenes where they are not fighting for no damn reason. All I'm asking for is one scene where they sit around a fire and share a smile or something yeesh. Instead Cloud doesn't talk, Wind is pensieve and just as silent, and the looks between them are less meaningful as they are fraught with confusion.
The plot itself was incoherent. A conquering dude wants to gain the DRAGON BONE which is the backbone of China, kidnaps the Emperor for it. Does the Dragon bone... give him invincibility? Doesn't look like it, it's like a spine on a chair (I'm totally serious). He's also already pretty much invicible. Does the Dragon bone give him extra powers or anything? No? He doesn't really get more powerful, it's literally a spine.
I mean I know if I walked into a country and held up a SPINE and said I HAVE THE BACKBONE OF YOUR NATION, BOW DOWN. The nation would be... Uhh... you know that's just symbolic right, I mean no one actually cares. It's like owning the crown jewels. Just because you own something doesn't make you absolute monarch.
The funniest bit, which I think was completely unintentional was when Cloud learned a completely new sword technique and asked his respected teacher to name the style. And the teacher called Nameless carved a new kanji on the wall.
Cloud:... I can't read that. (Audience: LOL HE CANNOT READ BECAUSE HE'S POOR LOL)
Nameless: I made it up. (Audience: What. I mean we expected it, sort of but for you to come right out and say it...)
Cloud: What does it mean?
Nameless: I combined 'cloud' and 'sword' to make this word, and it will be the name of your new style.
Cloud: Oh. Please tell me what my new technique will be called.
Audience: *Expects something truly badass like, CARVING HEAVENS SWORD TECHNIQUE or something*
Nameless: Yes, it is called, "Ba."
Audience: Uh.
Cloud: *gives his teacher this look that I can only read as OMG WHY DID I GIVE YOU THE HONOUR OF NAMING MY INVINCIBLE TECHNIQUE WTF KIND OF NAME IS BA YOU OLD STOOGE?* Ba?
Nameless: BA.
Audience: *stunned silence at this astounding piece of dialogue*
And then they're attacked by the Immortals from 300. I kid you not.
Anyway, the most disappointing thing about this film is that they took it so seriously. No fanservice, they clearly were pandering to the select audience of those 200 people who actually read those comics, and the few who saw the first movie.
And to top it off, THERE IS NO SLASH FANFICTION FOR THIS FILM
WTF GUYS? IT'S BEEN OUT SINCE 1998!!!! TEN YEARS. SOMEONE MUST'VE WRITTEN SOMETHING. I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE HAS WRITTEN PORN FOR THIS IN TEN YEARS.
WTF IS THE INTERNET FOR ANYMORE.
I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED OF YOU ALL.
UGH.
I MEAN CAN YOU GET GAYER THAN TWO CHARACTERS CALLED WIND AND CLOUD?!
LOOK AT THEM THEY ARE ALMOST HOLDING HANDS
WHERE IS THE WIND/CLOUD FIC (in that order since Cloud would be hotter as a power!bottom)
WHEREEEEEEEEE GODDAMN.
Meanwhile, because of this film, I've lost my phone on the train DDDDDD: