Going...to....EXPLODE
I'm on the verge of tears right now and I don't even know why. I wish I had a switch so that I could turn my mind off. That would really be great. I have about 99 million things going on inside my head right now. I wish they all would stop and at least let me breath for a second. I want to write in here regularly because I know it helps me but I just don't have the time. It is, however, my only option since I have no one in person to talk to, vent on.
I don't want to suffer any more. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of my whole family being in hell. I want it to stop. I wish I could make everything better. I wish I could heal my grandparents and dad. I wish I could make Brian feel better. I wish I wouldn't cost mom any money. I wish a lot of things...yet none of them will come true.
My grandpa is dying. I feel so guilty. I want to be there with him. Yes, he's 86 and has lived a good life, but still. I don't want him to die. Chances are it'll be soon.
My brother found out that his girlfriend of 3 years was dating someone at work behind his back. Melinda was such a nice girl. I'm so shocked that she would do such a terrible thing. I wish I could help my brother. I know exactly how he's feeling.
I'm in my own apartment again. I just wish I could afford it. Why do I always make such stupid decisions? There was a welcoming drug bust on my street my first night here. That was great. "Welcome to the neighbourhood, Ali!" At least it wasn't another fire. See, bad things follow me everywhere I go.
This is how much of an idiot I am. I needed to go to the bank today because if any more checks cleared, I'd be in the hole about $70. But no, I HAD to go buy a fucking Ipod. Another extremely stupid mistake. Anyways, I left early and went to EECU to pull as much money as I could out of my savings account there. A whole $60. Woo. I then went to my other bank and made an ATM deposit since it didn't open until 9. Everything was going well until at the end of the transaction, it said, "Incorrect PIN number, Transaction Canceled." I thought I had just entered it wrong. So I did it again, and got the same thing. Apparently, my "replacement" ATM card was not assigned my original PIN, as the letter said it WOULD be. God damn it. And of course, I hadn't gotten the new one in the mail yet. So I went back to my car and sat and waited until 9 for it to open. I decided that getting money in my account was more important than my 9am class. That was another stupid mistake. I drove around the bank, looked at the door to make sure they opened at 9 and waited. I just wanted to go in, make the deposit, and also have them re-pin my card. Nine o'clock rolls around and I walk up to the door. "COLUMBUS DAY: CLOSED" OH MY GOD. I about had a heart attack. I had driven by the door, LOOKED AT IT, but failed to see the sign. The big fucking sign. So, no bank deposit and no class. Great. Just fucking great. I'm so stupid. (Note: I HATE being late to classes. I think it is sooooo RUDE. So, I didn't go.) *bangs head against wall*
Work and school are too much. I cannot tell you how much I want to quit and give up. I don't want to be a teacher anyways. I'm going to college for nothing. I'd make a horrible teacher. And quite frankly, I'm so fucking tired of people responding, "Oh, that's the major everyone picks when they don't know what the hell they want to do!" when I say I'm a liberal studies major. FUCK YOU. I'm so close to throwing it all away.
School is horrid. I am so behind in all of my classes. I've done badly on the tests I've taken so far. Midterms start this week. I'm so not ready. I feel like I completely missed the train in all of my classes. It's the worst feeling ever. The two C's in my walking classes last semester fucked up my 3 years of a 4.0 GPA. What's the point now??? There is none.
I should be studying for my Sped test tomorrow morning. But I'm not. I came home and went straight to crying. I just can't work. I don't have the right mind set. I don't have any motivation. I just don't want to do anything but crawl in a hole and die. The hole would have to be pre-dug since I'm too damn lazy to dig it myself.
I've let myself go...wayyyyyyy too far. I really think I'm at the point of no return. I'm the fattest I've ever been and I really don't see myself ever getting healthy again. I'm the most depressed I've ever been, mainly because I have no one to talk to about Jeff, Ellery and Riley, and all the other shit happening in my life. *shrug* I guess that's my own fault. I did this to myself. I'm the only one to blame.
Warren. I don't know why but he's on my mind constantly. I keep wanting to write him a letter, and have started on many occasions. I can never finish though. I can never tell him what I want and need to say. I just think a) he won't read it or b) he'll read it and get nothing from it. I don't know. There is so much that has happened between us and so much of it I'm not okay with. Honestly, I never thought I'd hear from him again after this last incident. He IM's me every day though and called me for the first time in a few weeks last night. Odd. I think he'd doing it to torture me. I'd rather him just never talk to me again. I'm not worthy of him.
I miss him soo soo soo much though. I miss him as my friend. He was the only one I had. Talking to him each day made me feel okay. You never know how much a person means to you until they are gone. Our friendship will never bet the same. He thinks horribly of me. Why does he still talk to me then? I have no idea. What pisses me off is that he's just acting like nothing has happened. He always does this. I HATE it. He won't ever open up. He can't feel vulnerable. He can't communicate. And some how, that is all MY fault. I don't know. I wish I didn't miss him so much. I tried to not get attached but I did and still am. I care about him a lot, more than he knows. But as usual, I screwed everything up. Great job, Ali. I'm such an idiot.
I just want to give up. And I'm getting closer and closer each day.
I don't want to suffer any more. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of my whole family being in hell. I want it to stop. I wish I could make everything better. I wish I could heal my grandparents and dad. I wish I could make Brian feel better. I wish I wouldn't cost mom any money. I wish a lot of things...yet none of them will come true.
My grandpa is dying. I feel so guilty. I want to be there with him. Yes, he's 86 and has lived a good life, but still. I don't want him to die. Chances are it'll be soon.
My brother found out that his girlfriend of 3 years was dating someone at work behind his back. Melinda was such a nice girl. I'm so shocked that she would do such a terrible thing. I wish I could help my brother. I know exactly how he's feeling.
I'm in my own apartment again. I just wish I could afford it. Why do I always make such stupid decisions? There was a welcoming drug bust on my street my first night here. That was great. "Welcome to the neighbourhood, Ali!" At least it wasn't another fire. See, bad things follow me everywhere I go.
This is how much of an idiot I am. I needed to go to the bank today because if any more checks cleared, I'd be in the hole about $70. But no, I HAD to go buy a fucking Ipod. Another extremely stupid mistake. Anyways, I left early and went to EECU to pull as much money as I could out of my savings account there. A whole $60. Woo. I then went to my other bank and made an ATM deposit since it didn't open until 9. Everything was going well until at the end of the transaction, it said, "Incorrect PIN number, Transaction Canceled." I thought I had just entered it wrong. So I did it again, and got the same thing. Apparently, my "replacement" ATM card was not assigned my original PIN, as the letter said it WOULD be. God damn it. And of course, I hadn't gotten the new one in the mail yet. So I went back to my car and sat and waited until 9 for it to open. I decided that getting money in my account was more important than my 9am class. That was another stupid mistake. I drove around the bank, looked at the door to make sure they opened at 9 and waited. I just wanted to go in, make the deposit, and also have them re-pin my card. Nine o'clock rolls around and I walk up to the door. "COLUMBUS DAY: CLOSED" OH MY GOD. I about had a heart attack. I had driven by the door, LOOKED AT IT, but failed to see the sign. The big fucking sign. So, no bank deposit and no class. Great. Just fucking great. I'm so stupid. (Note: I HATE being late to classes. I think it is sooooo RUDE. So, I didn't go.) *bangs head against wall*
Work and school are too much. I cannot tell you how much I want to quit and give up. I don't want to be a teacher anyways. I'm going to college for nothing. I'd make a horrible teacher. And quite frankly, I'm so fucking tired of people responding, "Oh, that's the major everyone picks when they don't know what the hell they want to do!" when I say I'm a liberal studies major. FUCK YOU. I'm so close to throwing it all away.
School is horrid. I am so behind in all of my classes. I've done badly on the tests I've taken so far. Midterms start this week. I'm so not ready. I feel like I completely missed the train in all of my classes. It's the worst feeling ever. The two C's in my walking classes last semester fucked up my 3 years of a 4.0 GPA. What's the point now??? There is none.
I should be studying for my Sped test tomorrow morning. But I'm not. I came home and went straight to crying. I just can't work. I don't have the right mind set. I don't have any motivation. I just don't want to do anything but crawl in a hole and die. The hole would have to be pre-dug since I'm too damn lazy to dig it myself.
I've let myself go...wayyyyyyy too far. I really think I'm at the point of no return. I'm the fattest I've ever been and I really don't see myself ever getting healthy again. I'm the most depressed I've ever been, mainly because I have no one to talk to about Jeff, Ellery and Riley, and all the other shit happening in my life. *shrug* I guess that's my own fault. I did this to myself. I'm the only one to blame.
Warren. I don't know why but he's on my mind constantly. I keep wanting to write him a letter, and have started on many occasions. I can never finish though. I can never tell him what I want and need to say. I just think a) he won't read it or b) he'll read it and get nothing from it. I don't know. There is so much that has happened between us and so much of it I'm not okay with. Honestly, I never thought I'd hear from him again after this last incident. He IM's me every day though and called me for the first time in a few weeks last night. Odd. I think he'd doing it to torture me. I'd rather him just never talk to me again. I'm not worthy of him.
I miss him soo soo soo much though. I miss him as my friend. He was the only one I had. Talking to him each day made me feel okay. You never know how much a person means to you until they are gone. Our friendship will never bet the same. He thinks horribly of me. Why does he still talk to me then? I have no idea. What pisses me off is that he's just acting like nothing has happened. He always does this. I HATE it. He won't ever open up. He can't feel vulnerable. He can't communicate. And some how, that is all MY fault. I don't know. I wish I didn't miss him so much. I tried to not get attached but I did and still am. I care about him a lot, more than he knows. But as usual, I screwed everything up. Great job, Ali. I'm such an idiot.
I just want to give up. And I'm getting closer and closer each day.