What I've Learned
I guess since my college career is nearing its end, it's natural to be thinking about endings and about what I've gained while I was here. I spend a lot more time thinking about the former than the latter, so I decided to put down in words what my almost four years here at USC has taught me. First off, I've really learned to *think,* long and hard, and about many things that I've never thought about before. I've learned how to research, formulate an argument, and put it all down on paper. And I've learned how to do a good job of that, although I have to admit I've never found it that hard. These are some of the more conventional things I've learned, mostly in school. But, not to sound too corny, the most valuable things I've learned about myself based on the decisions I've made about how to live. This month/semester has been particularly revealing. One of the most fundamental things I've learned is that I need to balance my life better. I made the decision, early on and without knowing it, that I would focus almost exclusively on school while I was here. This decision was helped along by many factors, foremost of which are: it's hard to be social here if you're not part of the Greek system becuase the opportunities just don't exist; LA is full of fun places to go, but only if you have a car and many friends to spread out the cost; and I had a bad/closed off attitude for much of my time here. As a result, I buried myself in my books, and I have the GPA to show for it. But recently it came to me that some of my very strong feelings of dissatisfaction stem from the fact that I will leave this place with almost no sadness, because I"ve made very few friends, participated little in whatever campus life there is, and am fairly disconnected from the campus as a whole. This is bugging me so much that it's one of the reasons I've decided to go to counseling, to join salsa dancing club, and to look for a sport team to join, although it's rather late in the game, so to speak. I know that when I had these feelings sophomore year and almost decided to transfer, I made a similar effort to get involved. But I didn't, and I see now it was mostly because I didn't know the types of things I wanted to get involved in. Plus, there was my relationship with Nick, which I allowed to overshadow the potential for many relationships here. I don't regret that relationship, I just wish I knew better how to balance things. So, I've learned how much I need PEOPLE. PEOPLE, in all their glory, with all their quirks--endearing or annoying--and with all the elements for spontaneity. I need more spontaneity, and the only way to get that is to be open to new situations and new people. I've learned that I tend to close myself off and retreat into my head when something scary--like a new social situation--comes up, and I'm working on fixing that (although shyness is a hard thing to overcome!). I've learned that I don't like living alone, although I do like having my own space. Again, a thing about balance. I need my own space and time, but having ONLY my own space and time makes it less precious. This is where the PEOPLE come in to make me appreciate my alone time. Just kidding. Kind of. I've also learned that problems won't go away just by thinking or talking about them, and I am finally going to seek help in dealing with my relationship with my mom (the aforementioned counseling). I need my mom. I need to be able to talk to her, and to let her know how I really feel. But I need someone to help me do this, because it's easier to just remain in a holding pattern, no matter how uncomfortable, than risk someone's anger and rejection when you tell them your feelings. But I need to do this. The not-telling is starting to rot the relationship, from the inside out, and it's been affecting me for far longer than I ever realized. It's one of the reasons I close myself off, so I don't get hurt by anyone. It's one of the reasons I distrust new people. It's one of the reasons...well, anyway, I didn't realize how many aspects of my life it affected because I didn't realize how deeply it affects me. Time to deal. Most of all, I've learned that life is only worth living when you have people to share it with, people whom you love and can talk to, and preferably who are nearby to do things with. Anyplace I go after this, the first and foremost thing on my mind will be forming new connections and builidng a local community for myself, so that I am a healthier and happier person than I have been in the years I've spent at USC. This was a long, hard, and sometimes bitter lesson to learn, but I will be, already am, a better, more appreciative person because of it. I only hope I don't forget it.