Proof that I take things too literally....

[alisonvicks]

I think I wrote once in this thing about being frustrated by sayings like "live each moment to its fullest" and stuff like that, and looking back at my last post, I am beginning to realize just how much I think about time and its passing. I can't really explain my recent feelings--perhaps they are still too recent, perhaps I haven't gotten much perspective on them yet--but lately I've been really depressed by the simple passing of time. I wrote in the last post about wanting to grab on to time and stop it from passing so that I could figure out my life. I want to explain why I felt this way. For some reason, I had/have been living with the idea that each day in my life had to somehow encapsulate my whole life--this part I think was spurred by all those reminders around us that we could die at any moment, life is uncertain and there are no guarantees. But a bigger part of my recent feelings were stemming from some crazy idea that by not being able to grab onto time and hold it, time passing and the stuff I did with that time somehow had no meaning. I lost sight of the fact that life is a day-to-day exercise surely, but it is also about how those days string together. Somehow, and maybe this just stems from how much I feel I've changed in the past years, I felt like by going to sleep each night I was somehow negating the day I had just lived. That it was *gone* in the most profound sense of the world. And since I was inevitably always simply "passing through" time and "losing" it, then my life would never hold any meaning. Since my life and all the lives of people I know and eventually human life itself would cease to exist, nothing could ever hold any meaning, and it was useless to think it did/could. As I write this, I feel extremely foolish and wonder why I thought these things. I just couldn't/can't help noticing how fast time passes, and every day, through small changes, I am reminded of this and how nothing--nothing!--ever stays the same. Slowly, I am moving past this perspective, which is beginning to seem immature and petulant somehow, and I can't say I'll ever reconcile myself to time passing so quickly. But I will try to realize that life is a building process and that what I do today will have relevance tomorrow.

Okay, I really didn't mean this livejournal to be so depressing/existentialist. I vow to try and make it funnier, and to write more often. And to not take stupid sayings so literally!