The beginning of the holidays..

[alisonem]

So today was a rough day. A REALLY rough day... It was the first holiday get-together since the big D... And it was Dad's side. And it was awkward b/c not only was Mom not there, but neither was Aunt Brenda... So it was like super huge divorce-ville. Yuck.

And when we were leaving Dad goes, "Well that wasn't too bad..." And I go, "Why would it be?"

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[alisonem]

As I wrote this I thought, God, I hope Mon can help me with this one.. Dad has never ever shown weakness around me. Not once in my life that I can remember. Even when my grandma died. He only choked up for one part of the eulogy he gave. And when we had to say goodbye to her in the hospital and I was sobbing, he just held me and was fine. I mean, obviously not fine, but he was strong for me. I feel like I'm going to screw up being his strength. Like I'll not be there, and I don't know what will happen..

It's so hard, Mon... And I feel that this holiday season will only get harder. My Dad's side all misses my mom and kept asking about her. My mom's side I feel has only heard terrible, blown out of proportion stories about my dad and will be weird about it all. Even though I know he'll be missed deep down inside.. My dad is a fun guy, how could you not miss him...

I just want to get through it. But I'm feeling the pressure. Did you feel like you had to kind of take over the household being the girl in the family? I mean, I'm not the best cook.. I can make a few things, but I've been planning out elaborate dinners for when dad gets home from work next week. And writing lists of all the things the house needs... Nevermind the fact that I have three term-papers due when I get back from that week off... I just feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself, but I won't walk away from it.. Because I feel like I HAVE to do this for him.. And I want to too...

Ughh.. I just want things to be SEMI-normal again.. Damn... Does it ever get that way??