creationism
so here i am again.....black text on white space...has much really changed for me? it always seems to come back to this. i am filled with words and space. on the bottom of the world this time, where noone can find me-maybe i can find myself.
i feel myself beginning to change. something inside me is working again, some part of me that was broken is starting to mend. i don't know if time has had its effect on me after all. could be that i'm just getting old, or maybe things really are start to fall into place. i don't know if life is meant to be destiny, if i am meant to be here in this place doing what i am doing. or maybe, we are all floating around bumping into each other accidentally and life is just a series of coincidences. i'm not sure how that works, but i think maybe it's a bit of both (and quite funnily enough that bit of life philosophy comes from Forrest Gump, my most favorite movie in the world). whichever is the case, i feel better about things now. i have rid myself of all falseness- from within and without.
i've always been afraid to show my true self. i've always been afraid really. fear of rejection is what it all boils down to. i think i have accepted second best because i have never felt that i deserved something better. i made excuses for the way people treated me, and i let people hurt me. i also hurt myself by making bad choices, in life- in relationships. by not valuing myself, i allowed myself to be second best, i allowed people to make me second best in their lives. well, i am not afraid anymore. maybe i have grown up. or maybe, after all of these lessons, i have finally learned something. all i know is i feel different. here in this place. strange really, it comes from inside this time. i know what i am capable of, i know what i want, and i know what i deserve. i won't settle for less anymore, and i wont let weakness in my heart, or my personality, prevent me from getting what i want.
that being said, things havent got any easier. knowing what you want doesnt necessarily mean that it automatically just falls into your lap. and here is where i think i've been a bit naive. i worked so hard to get here, and once i got here things fell rapidly apart and i found myself putting the pieces back together again and thinking how crap it was that once again i let someone break me. but what i realized in putting the pieces back together this time, is that they made something different. i am still made of the same stuff, i am fragile and the cracks still shine through occasionally. i am not made of harder stuff, i am still essentially the same- and i am defintely not perfect. but the end product is different. before i used those pieces of myself to create a mask, something to hide behind so people couldnt hurt me, this time i have created an entirely different image- my authentic self.
so what have i been hiding from? ultimately myself really. and its so strange that i had to come to the bottom of the world to discover this. i have always known that in some ways coming here was running away from things that i hadnt dealt with. parts of myself that i didnt want to look at, or wasnt ready to look at. the extreme circumstances of what i have been through here have forced me to look at how i have contributed to situations in my life, and while it doesnt change what has been done to me, i am responsible for how i choose to respond. so rather than run again, and hide from myself and hope that these issues will just go away, i have chosen to stay and face them head on. to look myself full in the face and see all the way inside, and to allow others to see in as well. which i now must admit that i have never done fully. even with my little ghost.....i didnt show myself, just a shadow.
my strength, my ability to soldier on through anything, has always been my greatest weakness. i am tough, but i am not hard. so, surprisinging, here in the most unlikely of places, i have lost my edge. i have become soft. and i have allowed myself a bit of breathing room. and what i discovered, is that for so long i have been keeping people out- and wondering why i've been so unlucky and unhappy. when all i needed was to open up and let people in, to let myself out really. i feel different. and i know that i am diffferent with people, i feel it in my relationships with others. this is good, i like this.
so where does this leave me? well, i am here. i made it after all, despite being spun in all directions i have found a place to land. i chose this, it didnt choose me. and i will choose what to make out of it. i will choose who gets to be a part of this, a part of me. i will make a space for myself. i will make a space for truth. good things never come easy. and life isnt ever fair. but its my life, to make of it what i will. mama told me there'd be days like these......
i feel myself beginning to change. something inside me is working again, some part of me that was broken is starting to mend. i don't know if time has had its effect on me after all. could be that i'm just getting old, or maybe things really are start to fall into place. i don't know if life is meant to be destiny, if i am meant to be here in this place doing what i am doing. or maybe, we are all floating around bumping into each other accidentally and life is just a series of coincidences. i'm not sure how that works, but i think maybe it's a bit of both (and quite funnily enough that bit of life philosophy comes from Forrest Gump, my most favorite movie in the world). whichever is the case, i feel better about things now. i have rid myself of all falseness- from within and without.
i've always been afraid to show my true self. i've always been afraid really. fear of rejection is what it all boils down to. i think i have accepted second best because i have never felt that i deserved something better. i made excuses for the way people treated me, and i let people hurt me. i also hurt myself by making bad choices, in life- in relationships. by not valuing myself, i allowed myself to be second best, i allowed people to make me second best in their lives. well, i am not afraid anymore. maybe i have grown up. or maybe, after all of these lessons, i have finally learned something. all i know is i feel different. here in this place. strange really, it comes from inside this time. i know what i am capable of, i know what i want, and i know what i deserve. i won't settle for less anymore, and i wont let weakness in my heart, or my personality, prevent me from getting what i want.
that being said, things havent got any easier. knowing what you want doesnt necessarily mean that it automatically just falls into your lap. and here is where i think i've been a bit naive. i worked so hard to get here, and once i got here things fell rapidly apart and i found myself putting the pieces back together again and thinking how crap it was that once again i let someone break me. but what i realized in putting the pieces back together this time, is that they made something different. i am still made of the same stuff, i am fragile and the cracks still shine through occasionally. i am not made of harder stuff, i am still essentially the same- and i am defintely not perfect. but the end product is different. before i used those pieces of myself to create a mask, something to hide behind so people couldnt hurt me, this time i have created an entirely different image- my authentic self.
so what have i been hiding from? ultimately myself really. and its so strange that i had to come to the bottom of the world to discover this. i have always known that in some ways coming here was running away from things that i hadnt dealt with. parts of myself that i didnt want to look at, or wasnt ready to look at. the extreme circumstances of what i have been through here have forced me to look at how i have contributed to situations in my life, and while it doesnt change what has been done to me, i am responsible for how i choose to respond. so rather than run again, and hide from myself and hope that these issues will just go away, i have chosen to stay and face them head on. to look myself full in the face and see all the way inside, and to allow others to see in as well. which i now must admit that i have never done fully. even with my little ghost.....i didnt show myself, just a shadow.
my strength, my ability to soldier on through anything, has always been my greatest weakness. i am tough, but i am not hard. so, surprisinging, here in the most unlikely of places, i have lost my edge. i have become soft. and i have allowed myself a bit of breathing room. and what i discovered, is that for so long i have been keeping people out- and wondering why i've been so unlucky and unhappy. when all i needed was to open up and let people in, to let myself out really. i feel different. and i know that i am diffferent with people, i feel it in my relationships with others. this is good, i like this.
so where does this leave me? well, i am here. i made it after all, despite being spun in all directions i have found a place to land. i chose this, it didnt choose me. and i will choose what to make out of it. i will choose who gets to be a part of this, a part of me. i will make a space for myself. i will make a space for truth. good things never come easy. and life isnt ever fair. but its my life, to make of it what i will. mama told me there'd be days like these......