The Wedding of Doom
Here you go folks, as promised the true story of the worlds most awful wedding.
Friday:
Packed the car and headed out to go to the wedding. I had plenty of time so in case the directions that the bride gave me ended up being bad I had time to get to the rehearsal without any problems. I think I was too optimistic on my way there. The directions seemed fine, it was only once I got to Tecumseh were things started to go wrong. I couldn't find the turn to get to the country club, so I figured it must be farther than it looked on the map- no problem, I still had an hour. Got to the opposite side of town-no road. Damn! Turned around and went into a gas station-they usually know where things are, right? I think I ended up with the only person who had no clue. At least he let me see a map- it turned out that MapQuest was right for once. So, I had to go back through town and through the traffic for the "Appleumpkin Fest" (no joke that was its name- yes, I was in the middle of hickville at this point).Ended up at the country club with a half hour to spare-not bad considering I was 3 hours late to the shower! I went in the country club (what ended up being the room where we were going to have the reception) and oh my god my first thought was "How tacky!" The tables were covered with plastic rose-looking petals-dear god what were they thinking? I know that I sound so classiest, but it looked so bad. After I meet up with the bride I pretended to go back to my car for something and called Lia.I had to call Lia and tell her! OMG- I had to tell someone, otherwise I would've died on the spot of laughter. I was strong and went back in and then I got to meet the groom. He's 33, she's 21. It could be worse, but from what I remember they started dating when she was 17-icky! And they meet online, which I'm not totally comfortable with either. Anyway, meet the groom and his family- they're really strange. They make my dad's family look completely normal, which is saying something. Then, it was time to go through the ceremony. We did a practice run inside so we won't be outside so long, but the minister had no idea of what she was doing so that took about 25 minutes just to figure out how we were suppose to go down the aisle. Then the mother shows up. So far my interactions with her have been lead me to be disinclined to tolerate her. Now she shows up completely sloshed. Her face is bright red and she's practically falling over and reeking of alcohol. Oy! After that we went through the rehearsal with no big upsets, except the bride sinking into the ground because she's wearing shoes that have a heel the size of golf tees and she's MUCH heavier than what should be sustained by those heels. After the rehearsal we went to the bride's grandparent's house for the rehearsal dinner(which the groom's family is suppose to do by the way).On the way to the bride's grandparent's house I was following the groom and the thought that popped into my head was "This is what it must have been like for Mom following Dad to Aunt Anne's Wedding"(this was the last straw for her and decided to divorce him then), they were just driving so crazily and so fast that my poor little car could hardly keep up. This is when everyone else started to drink uncontrollably, except me because I still needed to drive to A2 (and so did half the people there too). Now her parents were so drunk that they started taking about what they did with the bride's placenta-icky! I really didn't want to know about that, but they obviously thought that was an appropriate conversation topic. *shudders* After the meal and everything it was finally time to go- I was so tired and worn out from pretending that I just wanted to get to bed the bride's mother decided that instead of having me drive to A2 in my car I could just put my things in another car that was going there. For me this was a terrible suggestion, but I wanted to be as nice as possible so I didn't argue. This ended up being more difficult overall than it would have been for me just to drive myself. I could only bring a couple things of homework because space was tight so I opted for German since we were going to have a quiz and a test this week. I should have known better! All I wanted was some alone time to talk to people and complain about this stupid wedding but no; I had to continue to play nice. Grr. Got to A2 and was exhaused but because the bride was screaming at the top of her lungs i.e. talking I didn't get to sleep until about 1 am. Was not a happy person.
Saturday:
The bride was so loud when she woke up at 6 am (which according to my clock was 5 am-central time) I was wide-awake too. Usually I'm a morning person, but defiantly was not one then. I was up for a little bit and then decided to go back to bed for as long as I could sleep which ended up being only 1 hour longer. Had a coldish shower, which didn't help my mood any and then went in search of food. If I had had my car I would've gone to get a cranberry bagel(my favorite kind), but no such luck. There was really no reason for me to be up that early anyway, especially since the bride didn't want me to get my hair or make-up done. Fine by me I wouldn't trust anyone she picked anyway, but wasn't that nice of her? Plus, if I did want my hair and make-up done it would have cost me $40 for hair and $50 for make-up (the bride needs to pay for what she wants the attendants to look like not the attendants pay. It’s her responsibility not the attendants. Honestly!)So I didn't have either done- good thing too- the stylist was horrible! While I was waiting I got to "study" German, meaning I locked myself in the spare room to cry. Called Mum and was cheered up a little, but I desperately wanted to leave. The rest of the day continued to be miserable and then we left for the wedding around 3 and the wedding was at 5. First though we had to drive back to the bride's grandparents to pick up the things that bride left and more importantly my car so I could have some peace and get the hell out of there. It took about an hour to get to the country club from A2 and then another half-hour to drive and pick up of the stuff and go back to the country club so we got there with about a half-hour to the wedding. I have never been so flustered! None of us are dressed at this point and people are already sitting! So I jump into my dress so I can at least help other people get ready. And to add to that we got changed in, get this, a locker room! What were they thinking? I really have no idea who would think getting changed in a locker room is a good idea or even a smart one. Yes, let's get changed in a disgusting locker room-ICK! The bride so far has had 3 glasses of champagne and downs another before we go down the aisle. According to her she gets tipsy on 1 glass, so she's pretty wobblely as she walks down the aisle leaning on her parents (who had also had a few drinks). It was so cold out and then the wind started to pick up. The material of my dress is really light so needless to say wind is a very bad thing. There were a few times when my dress was seconds away from blowing up- great. Our flowers looked like they were going to pretty, but mine ended up looking really dead- they were brown as I walked down the aisle- hardly fresh at all. It would have looked better if we had fake ones instead! Speaking of fake flowers, for the flower girl they made a pomander out of fake flowers, it would have been fine had they not used the really ugly plastic ones! And to top it off they were married facing a golf hole so on one side there was a bunker and on the other a green. Who thought this would be a good place to get married? Obviously someone who golfs. What made the ceremony perfect was the fact that there were golfers and a cart! No shit, there was! I almost choked trying to not laugh. I had tears rolling down my face- good thing people cry during weddings. The ceremony finished and I was "walking" down the aisle with my escort (the world's skinniest guy), who is practically sprinting with me following teetering on my heels as I walk across soft grass and climb the steps (not easy to do in 3 inch heels and sprinting). As soon as my skin turned back to its normal pale color we had to go outside for pictures. Once again, my dress decided it wanted to fly up. So pictures took what felt like hours. Once again I was as red as my dress- not a good look for me. We finally got to go inside-hurray heat, well sort of. Then into the dinner. I had ordered steak and it came out so red, practically raw,that I had to send it back. When I came back I only picked at it anyway, but out of everyone I ate last. I had requested non-alcoholic champagne (sparkling white grape juice) and there was the regular kind there so I ended up toasting with my water because I didn't even want to risk getting tired because of it. After the meal I pretty much booked out as fast as I could. I should also mention the attendants’ gifts that we got- they were from Claire's so plasticy and still had the price tag on them-V. Classy. They've been sent to the free box so whoever wants them can have 'em.
So there it is. I have one more thing to add- I swear that if I'm ever in a wedding outdoors again, it better be someone I actually know and still talk to and like. Oy. I do have some pictures, but I'm not completely sure how to put them up and I haven't put them on my computer yet.
Friday:
Packed the car and headed out to go to the wedding. I had plenty of time so in case the directions that the bride gave me ended up being bad I had time to get to the rehearsal without any problems. I think I was too optimistic on my way there. The directions seemed fine, it was only once I got to Tecumseh were things started to go wrong. I couldn't find the turn to get to the country club, so I figured it must be farther than it looked on the map- no problem, I still had an hour. Got to the opposite side of town-no road. Damn! Turned around and went into a gas station-they usually know where things are, right? I think I ended up with the only person who had no clue. At least he let me see a map- it turned out that MapQuest was right for once. So, I had to go back through town and through the traffic for the "Appleumpkin Fest" (no joke that was its name- yes, I was in the middle of hickville at this point).Ended up at the country club with a half hour to spare-not bad considering I was 3 hours late to the shower! I went in the country club (what ended up being the room where we were going to have the reception) and oh my god my first thought was "How tacky!" The tables were covered with plastic rose-looking petals-dear god what were they thinking? I know that I sound so classiest, but it looked so bad. After I meet up with the bride I pretended to go back to my car for something and called Lia.I had to call Lia and tell her! OMG- I had to tell someone, otherwise I would've died on the spot of laughter. I was strong and went back in and then I got to meet the groom. He's 33, she's 21. It could be worse, but from what I remember they started dating when she was 17-icky! And they meet online, which I'm not totally comfortable with either. Anyway, meet the groom and his family- they're really strange. They make my dad's family look completely normal, which is saying something. Then, it was time to go through the ceremony. We did a practice run inside so we won't be outside so long, but the minister had no idea of what she was doing so that took about 25 minutes just to figure out how we were suppose to go down the aisle. Then the mother shows up. So far my interactions with her have been lead me to be disinclined to tolerate her. Now she shows up completely sloshed. Her face is bright red and she's practically falling over and reeking of alcohol. Oy! After that we went through the rehearsal with no big upsets, except the bride sinking into the ground because she's wearing shoes that have a heel the size of golf tees and she's MUCH heavier than what should be sustained by those heels. After the rehearsal we went to the bride's grandparent's house for the rehearsal dinner(which the groom's family is suppose to do by the way).On the way to the bride's grandparent's house I was following the groom and the thought that popped into my head was "This is what it must have been like for Mom following Dad to Aunt Anne's Wedding"(this was the last straw for her and decided to divorce him then), they were just driving so crazily and so fast that my poor little car could hardly keep up. This is when everyone else started to drink uncontrollably, except me because I still needed to drive to A2 (and so did half the people there too). Now her parents were so drunk that they started taking about what they did with the bride's placenta-icky! I really didn't want to know about that, but they obviously thought that was an appropriate conversation topic. *shudders* After the meal and everything it was finally time to go- I was so tired and worn out from pretending that I just wanted to get to bed the bride's mother decided that instead of having me drive to A2 in my car I could just put my things in another car that was going there. For me this was a terrible suggestion, but I wanted to be as nice as possible so I didn't argue. This ended up being more difficult overall than it would have been for me just to drive myself. I could only bring a couple things of homework because space was tight so I opted for German since we were going to have a quiz and a test this week. I should have known better! All I wanted was some alone time to talk to people and complain about this stupid wedding but no; I had to continue to play nice. Grr. Got to A2 and was exhaused but because the bride was screaming at the top of her lungs i.e. talking I didn't get to sleep until about 1 am. Was not a happy person.
Saturday:
The bride was so loud when she woke up at 6 am (which according to my clock was 5 am-central time) I was wide-awake too. Usually I'm a morning person, but defiantly was not one then. I was up for a little bit and then decided to go back to bed for as long as I could sleep which ended up being only 1 hour longer. Had a coldish shower, which didn't help my mood any and then went in search of food. If I had had my car I would've gone to get a cranberry bagel(my favorite kind), but no such luck. There was really no reason for me to be up that early anyway, especially since the bride didn't want me to get my hair or make-up done. Fine by me I wouldn't trust anyone she picked anyway, but wasn't that nice of her? Plus, if I did want my hair and make-up done it would have cost me $40 for hair and $50 for make-up (the bride needs to pay for what she wants the attendants to look like not the attendants pay. It’s her responsibility not the attendants. Honestly!)So I didn't have either done- good thing too- the stylist was horrible! While I was waiting I got to "study" German, meaning I locked myself in the spare room to cry. Called Mum and was cheered up a little, but I desperately wanted to leave. The rest of the day continued to be miserable and then we left for the wedding around 3 and the wedding was at 5. First though we had to drive back to the bride's grandparents to pick up the things that bride left and more importantly my car so I could have some peace and get the hell out of there. It took about an hour to get to the country club from A2 and then another half-hour to drive and pick up of the stuff and go back to the country club so we got there with about a half-hour to the wedding. I have never been so flustered! None of us are dressed at this point and people are already sitting! So I jump into my dress so I can at least help other people get ready. And to add to that we got changed in, get this, a locker room! What were they thinking? I really have no idea who would think getting changed in a locker room is a good idea or even a smart one. Yes, let's get changed in a disgusting locker room-ICK! The bride so far has had 3 glasses of champagne and downs another before we go down the aisle. According to her she gets tipsy on 1 glass, so she's pretty wobblely as she walks down the aisle leaning on her parents (who had also had a few drinks). It was so cold out and then the wind started to pick up. The material of my dress is really light so needless to say wind is a very bad thing. There were a few times when my dress was seconds away from blowing up- great. Our flowers looked like they were going to pretty, but mine ended up looking really dead- they were brown as I walked down the aisle- hardly fresh at all. It would have looked better if we had fake ones instead! Speaking of fake flowers, for the flower girl they made a pomander out of fake flowers, it would have been fine had they not used the really ugly plastic ones! And to top it off they were married facing a golf hole so on one side there was a bunker and on the other a green. Who thought this would be a good place to get married? Obviously someone who golfs. What made the ceremony perfect was the fact that there were golfers and a cart! No shit, there was! I almost choked trying to not laugh. I had tears rolling down my face- good thing people cry during weddings. The ceremony finished and I was "walking" down the aisle with my escort (the world's skinniest guy), who is practically sprinting with me following teetering on my heels as I walk across soft grass and climb the steps (not easy to do in 3 inch heels and sprinting). As soon as my skin turned back to its normal pale color we had to go outside for pictures. Once again, my dress decided it wanted to fly up. So pictures took what felt like hours. Once again I was as red as my dress- not a good look for me. We finally got to go inside-hurray heat, well sort of. Then into the dinner. I had ordered steak and it came out so red, practically raw,that I had to send it back. When I came back I only picked at it anyway, but out of everyone I ate last. I had requested non-alcoholic champagne (sparkling white grape juice) and there was the regular kind there so I ended up toasting with my water because I didn't even want to risk getting tired because of it. After the meal I pretty much booked out as fast as I could. I should also mention the attendants’ gifts that we got- they were from Claire's so plasticy and still had the price tag on them-V. Classy. They've been sent to the free box so whoever wants them can have 'em.
So there it is. I have one more thing to add- I swear that if I'm ever in a wedding outdoors again, it better be someone I actually know and still talk to and like. Oy. I do have some pictures, but I'm not completely sure how to put them up and I haven't put them on my computer yet.