now i find myself in question (point point the finger at me again), guilty by association.
i really dont want to write this entry. everything im about to write is so elementary, and so tired, i just cant even believe this is how it's going down.
so, sigh. History Friend wrote me a wall post on facebook saying that she wasn't avoiding me this week, but was trying to avoid talking about what happened this weekend, which, believe her, it's better if she didn't rehash, because it's better left in the past. So she says. I wouldn't know, would i? Then she goes on to shower me with compliments about how much of a good friend i am, and that shes so glad to have me in her life since 2nd grade.
Wanna know what i think about that message? I'm glad she wrote me, because she's right, i thought she was avoiding me. However, i still believe she was avoiding me. Could she not have called me and said, "i dont want to talk about what happened on Sunday. How are things with you?" Would that have killed her? It didn't even cross her mind that i may be going through my own crap and i might need my best friend. Which, granted, i really wasn't, but i was kind of freaking out about my dog Ivy this week. She scratched a spot on her neck bloody and it got infected. Mom and I were freaking out and didn't know what to do about it. It might've been nice if my best friend had called me and asked how my day was. I mean, i ALWAYS ask how she is. I cant remember the last time she freely asked me how i was. I can remember a few times recently when she called, didn't ask, and i answered "How are you doing?" anyway, much to her chagrin.
So i'm a little miffed. This is just the latest in a string of incidents occuring lately where it's all about History Friend. When i came back from Kansas (for Alias Best Friend's wedding), she didn't even ask me how my trip was, or how the wedding was, or if i had fun. I was going to wait to see how long it took her to remember and ask. I couldn't last three days. The third day back, i finally said, "aren't you going to ask me how my trip to Kansas was?" and she looked at me, taken aback, and then said, "oh thats right, how was your trip?" Thats when i first noticed this. Then i kept note each time i hung out with her, how many times she'd ask me how i was, or ask me about my day, before going into her rant or speel. Very rarely did she. Thats eye-opening. And this latest incident, it's not the first time she avoided me for a week because she didn't want to discuss a topic.
So i responded back to her wall post, and i said, "i'm really glad you posted this, because i was thinking you were avoiding me." and then i realized that sounded to happy for how i was feeling towards her, so an hour later i added, "but dont get me wrong, i'm kinda mad at you, but we'll talk about it later." That didn't sound harsh, or mean, or angry did it?
Yesterday, i spend the afternoon with Old Best Friend. It's Wild About Omaha this friday and saturday, so there was all kinds of free shit going down downtown, so we decided to go to the wine-sampling at Lauritzen Gardens. History Friend was invited, (and it would've been fine if she came, because i'm not angry with her, or anything, i just need to talk to her about this, because it is not ok,) but she said no. She knew i was going to be out with Old Best Friend that afternoon.
However, around 8pm, she sees my comments on facebook, and calls me. I, logically, let it go to voicemail, because i know what she'd want to talk about, and i didnt think it was appropriate to have this conversation in front of Old Best Friend. I'm busy right now, and she knows i'm good for my word on getting back to her. I always call back if i dont answer her right away. She texts me. "I didn't know you were mad at me. why are you mad at me?" Well, she wouldn't know i was mad at her, would she? Maybe had she called me this week, she might've known. She calls again directly afterwards, and i, again, let it go to voicemail. She leaves me a message. "So, according to your facebook message, i'm assuming the reason you're not answering is because your ignoring me. i'll try to call you later."
Gr-reat. That's EXACTLY how i wanted that to go down. Not, that i'm busy right now, and i'm out with a friend and am obviously unavailable to take your call... no, i'm ignoring you. blatantly ignoring you. Fan freaking tastic. This is, obviously, not a great sign of good things to come.
About an hour and a half later, i'm in spaghetti works with Old Best Friend, and we're a bit tipsy off the wine, having a fabulous time, when i get this text from History Friend, and i quote: "I cant please everybody. I'm so close to giving up on everything so never mind Alisa just be pissed at me. I cant deal with everything and everybody. Scre" (Im thinking thats the beginning of 'screw you'). I hit my head against the table, and i update Old Best Friend about the text. I talked to her about the whole thing in the car on the way to spaghetti works, so she was pretty filled in and (i think) understood where i was coming from. She knew i didn't want to blow this up into a big deal, i just wanted a civilized adult conversation about how i felt, and how we can change it. I was NOT looking for drama. This text is certified, 100% drama. My brain threatened to explode because this was exactly what i was trying to avoid. Its so petty and elementary.
Im also even more mad now, because she has no reason to be mad at me. How petty is it to be mad at someone for being mad at you? She doesn't even know why i'm upset for crying out loud! Why is she making me feel like i'm bullying her when she's got nothing on me? I'm even more mad because she's stealing my thunder! She's setting herself up to be the victim of this, not me. I'm the one who's mad at her, therefore i'm the bully in this equation, not the victim. Aaaand once again, this is all about History Friend. How i'm bullying History Friend. It's not at all about the fact that i'm the one who's truly upset.
So where i once was just upset... now i'm really honest-to-goodness mad.
A line had been crossed, and i felt i needed to put History Friend back in her place, so i sent her a text back. "You dont even know why im upset and i'm with Old Best Friend right now and ill talk to you about it later so dont get so worked up over it." I figured, not only did that say, 'this is not as big of a deal as your making it to be,' but it also said 'im the one who's mad, dont forget that,' and 'i'm busy right now.' All the while, sounding calm, rational, and not that angry. At least i think so.
She texts me a few minutes later when we're out of Spaghetti Works and strolling around the Old Market. "Well the vague message you doesn't help any so i will be upset because too much has gone on in my life this week on multiple fronts and ive had it. i cant dea" (i assume she was saying "i cant deal with it all.")
this riles me up even more. 1. I'M THE ONE WHO'S UPSET HERE, NOT HER. i'm really mad that she's stealing my mad-thunder. 2. she cant deal with anymore problems right now? then why the flying fuck is she causing all this drama!?! She's the one who's making it worse! Not me! I wanted a civilized adult conversation... she, obviously, is looking for a fight and lots and lots of drama. It's nauseating really. 3. How should am i to know how difficult a week she's had because she never talked to me about it!!!!! 4. i'm vague? I'M vague? She's the queen of vague. "josh and i just need to work somethings out." that text she left me on tuesday is all kinds of vague! are they together? are they split up? i dont know!
it really bummed me out big time. I apologized to Old Best Friend several times because i was really just flaring in anger and it was really making me less fun, and more complainy and ranty, and i didn't want that. We were having a great time, and this was just ruining it for me because i couldn't stop thinking about how petty History Friends making this!
and now i just dont want to deal with it at all. i graduated from high school. i'm done with unnecessary drama and this petty bullshit. i just want to have a civilized face-to-face conversation where i voice my opinions and we work it out. The end. Now i have to deal with her in defense mode.
i avoid arguments and fights for a reason. I'm a piss poor arguer. My brain zips into warp speed and i pull up... nothing. i lose every argument because i cant come up with my own comebacks and am temporarily unable to support my argument. I look back at the situation later, and i recall all of the things i meant to say, but it never popped up in my pathetic excuse for a brain. I'm not very good under this kind of pressure and cognitive thought flees for dear life. I feel like a dumb hick after this kinds of confrontations.
So, you can imagine JUST how much im looking forward to this confrontation.
Uggggggggh. i just feel like i'm her best friend when it's convenient for her. this week, it wasn't very convenient because, apparently, i would've said something that she didn't want to hear. Old Best Friend apparently, would take it more like she wanted. I'm just feeling used.
On a brighter note... i really did have a blast with Old Best Friend. It was hot and we were sweating and we were drinking classy red wine, which i like by the way, and we were snapping photos and admiring the Gardens, and catching each others accidental innuendos and cracking cheesy jokes. it was lotsa fun. Then i explained my situation to her during the walk back to our car and while we drove to Spaghetti works, and sadly it brought the mood down a bit, but i think Old Best Friend appreciates it when i talk to her about these things... even if it possibly makes her slightly uncomfortable. This one made her very slightly uncomfortable because it was between two of her closest friends. And i think she knows more about what's going on with History Friend than i do... which just adds fuel to an already blazing fire. But, anyway, despite that, we had a good time. We got a bit tipsy... well, i certainly did, i think she was ok. I could tell i was tipsy because i was becoming quite a chatterbox, and i found myself trying to keep it in. I ought to bave been tipsy, because not only did i consume my original sample, but (because Old Best Friend was driving) Old Best Friend would pour a little more than half of her portion into my glass. I learned i like Rosé, Riesling, Zinfandel, and Chianti. My favorite was Riesling. yum.
Ugh. yeah. thats all. will update when more goes down.
so, sigh. History Friend wrote me a wall post on facebook saying that she wasn't avoiding me this week, but was trying to avoid talking about what happened this weekend, which, believe her, it's better if she didn't rehash, because it's better left in the past. So she says. I wouldn't know, would i? Then she goes on to shower me with compliments about how much of a good friend i am, and that shes so glad to have me in her life since 2nd grade.
Wanna know what i think about that message? I'm glad she wrote me, because she's right, i thought she was avoiding me. However, i still believe she was avoiding me. Could she not have called me and said, "i dont want to talk about what happened on Sunday. How are things with you?" Would that have killed her? It didn't even cross her mind that i may be going through my own crap and i might need my best friend. Which, granted, i really wasn't, but i was kind of freaking out about my dog Ivy this week. She scratched a spot on her neck bloody and it got infected. Mom and I were freaking out and didn't know what to do about it. It might've been nice if my best friend had called me and asked how my day was. I mean, i ALWAYS ask how she is. I cant remember the last time she freely asked me how i was. I can remember a few times recently when she called, didn't ask, and i answered "How are you doing?" anyway, much to her chagrin.
So i'm a little miffed. This is just the latest in a string of incidents occuring lately where it's all about History Friend. When i came back from Kansas (for Alias Best Friend's wedding), she didn't even ask me how my trip was, or how the wedding was, or if i had fun. I was going to wait to see how long it took her to remember and ask. I couldn't last three days. The third day back, i finally said, "aren't you going to ask me how my trip to Kansas was?" and she looked at me, taken aback, and then said, "oh thats right, how was your trip?" Thats when i first noticed this. Then i kept note each time i hung out with her, how many times she'd ask me how i was, or ask me about my day, before going into her rant or speel. Very rarely did she. Thats eye-opening. And this latest incident, it's not the first time she avoided me for a week because she didn't want to discuss a topic.
So i responded back to her wall post, and i said, "i'm really glad you posted this, because i was thinking you were avoiding me." and then i realized that sounded to happy for how i was feeling towards her, so an hour later i added, "but dont get me wrong, i'm kinda mad at you, but we'll talk about it later." That didn't sound harsh, or mean, or angry did it?
Yesterday, i spend the afternoon with Old Best Friend. It's Wild About Omaha this friday and saturday, so there was all kinds of free shit going down downtown, so we decided to go to the wine-sampling at Lauritzen Gardens. History Friend was invited, (and it would've been fine if she came, because i'm not angry with her, or anything, i just need to talk to her about this, because it is not ok,) but she said no. She knew i was going to be out with Old Best Friend that afternoon.
However, around 8pm, she sees my comments on facebook, and calls me. I, logically, let it go to voicemail, because i know what she'd want to talk about, and i didnt think it was appropriate to have this conversation in front of Old Best Friend. I'm busy right now, and she knows i'm good for my word on getting back to her. I always call back if i dont answer her right away. She texts me. "I didn't know you were mad at me. why are you mad at me?" Well, she wouldn't know i was mad at her, would she? Maybe had she called me this week, she might've known. She calls again directly afterwards, and i, again, let it go to voicemail. She leaves me a message. "So, according to your facebook message, i'm assuming the reason you're not answering is because your ignoring me. i'll try to call you later."
Gr-reat. That's EXACTLY how i wanted that to go down. Not, that i'm busy right now, and i'm out with a friend and am obviously unavailable to take your call... no, i'm ignoring you. blatantly ignoring you. Fan freaking tastic. This is, obviously, not a great sign of good things to come.
About an hour and a half later, i'm in spaghetti works with Old Best Friend, and we're a bit tipsy off the wine, having a fabulous time, when i get this text from History Friend, and i quote: "I cant please everybody. I'm so close to giving up on everything so never mind Alisa just be pissed at me. I cant deal with everything and everybody. Scre" (Im thinking thats the beginning of 'screw you'). I hit my head against the table, and i update Old Best Friend about the text. I talked to her about the whole thing in the car on the way to spaghetti works, so she was pretty filled in and (i think) understood where i was coming from. She knew i didn't want to blow this up into a big deal, i just wanted a civilized adult conversation about how i felt, and how we can change it. I was NOT looking for drama. This text is certified, 100% drama. My brain threatened to explode because this was exactly what i was trying to avoid. Its so petty and elementary.
Im also even more mad now, because she has no reason to be mad at me. How petty is it to be mad at someone for being mad at you? She doesn't even know why i'm upset for crying out loud! Why is she making me feel like i'm bullying her when she's got nothing on me? I'm even more mad because she's stealing my thunder! She's setting herself up to be the victim of this, not me. I'm the one who's mad at her, therefore i'm the bully in this equation, not the victim. Aaaand once again, this is all about History Friend. How i'm bullying History Friend. It's not at all about the fact that i'm the one who's truly upset.
So where i once was just upset... now i'm really honest-to-goodness mad.
A line had been crossed, and i felt i needed to put History Friend back in her place, so i sent her a text back. "You dont even know why im upset and i'm with Old Best Friend right now and ill talk to you about it later so dont get so worked up over it." I figured, not only did that say, 'this is not as big of a deal as your making it to be,' but it also said 'im the one who's mad, dont forget that,' and 'i'm busy right now.' All the while, sounding calm, rational, and not that angry. At least i think so.
She texts me a few minutes later when we're out of Spaghetti Works and strolling around the Old Market. "Well the vague message you doesn't help any so i will be upset because too much has gone on in my life this week on multiple fronts and ive had it. i cant dea" (i assume she was saying "i cant deal with it all.")
this riles me up even more. 1. I'M THE ONE WHO'S UPSET HERE, NOT HER. i'm really mad that she's stealing my mad-thunder. 2. she cant deal with anymore problems right now? then why the flying fuck is she causing all this drama!?! She's the one who's making it worse! Not me! I wanted a civilized adult conversation... she, obviously, is looking for a fight and lots and lots of drama. It's nauseating really. 3. How should am i to know how difficult a week she's had because she never talked to me about it!!!!! 4. i'm vague? I'M vague? She's the queen of vague. "josh and i just need to work somethings out." that text she left me on tuesday is all kinds of vague! are they together? are they split up? i dont know!
it really bummed me out big time. I apologized to Old Best Friend several times because i was really just flaring in anger and it was really making me less fun, and more complainy and ranty, and i didn't want that. We were having a great time, and this was just ruining it for me because i couldn't stop thinking about how petty History Friends making this!
and now i just dont want to deal with it at all. i graduated from high school. i'm done with unnecessary drama and this petty bullshit. i just want to have a civilized face-to-face conversation where i voice my opinions and we work it out. The end. Now i have to deal with her in defense mode.
i avoid arguments and fights for a reason. I'm a piss poor arguer. My brain zips into warp speed and i pull up... nothing. i lose every argument because i cant come up with my own comebacks and am temporarily unable to support my argument. I look back at the situation later, and i recall all of the things i meant to say, but it never popped up in my pathetic excuse for a brain. I'm not very good under this kind of pressure and cognitive thought flees for dear life. I feel like a dumb hick after this kinds of confrontations.
So, you can imagine JUST how much im looking forward to this confrontation.
Uggggggggh. i just feel like i'm her best friend when it's convenient for her. this week, it wasn't very convenient because, apparently, i would've said something that she didn't want to hear. Old Best Friend apparently, would take it more like she wanted. I'm just feeling used.
On a brighter note... i really did have a blast with Old Best Friend. It was hot and we were sweating and we were drinking classy red wine, which i like by the way, and we were snapping photos and admiring the Gardens, and catching each others accidental innuendos and cracking cheesy jokes. it was lotsa fun. Then i explained my situation to her during the walk back to our car and while we drove to Spaghetti works, and sadly it brought the mood down a bit, but i think Old Best Friend appreciates it when i talk to her about these things... even if it possibly makes her slightly uncomfortable. This one made her very slightly uncomfortable because it was between two of her closest friends. And i think she knows more about what's going on with History Friend than i do... which just adds fuel to an already blazing fire. But, anyway, despite that, we had a good time. We got a bit tipsy... well, i certainly did, i think she was ok. I could tell i was tipsy because i was becoming quite a chatterbox, and i found myself trying to keep it in. I ought to bave been tipsy, because not only did i consume my original sample, but (because Old Best Friend was driving) Old Best Friend would pour a little more than half of her portion into my glass. I learned i like Rosé, Riesling, Zinfandel, and Chianti. My favorite was Riesling. yum.
Ugh. yeah. thats all. will update when more goes down.