I will try to fix you.
this is probably not the blog for you right now if you have an issue with corpses and people crying. i went to Alaina's visitation and funeral within the past few days.
I went to the visitation with one idea in mind: If i saw her, then this would all become real.
I didn't want to go because of this: If i saw her, then this would all become real.
This whole event just seems surreal. All of it. I couldn't fathom it this entire time, which is why i was stuck in denial a lot. I just couldn't imagine this to be real, and i still very much sensed her presence which is another odd thing. I sensed her presence, even though i haven't seen her since her wedding day. I felt like she was still here with us this entire time, and because of this, i couldn't possibly believe she was gone. I needed a wake up call. I needed to see with my own eyes that she was gone.
I was freaking out up until about 5pm, when i finally met up with several other co-workers including Demon Boss and The Cake Decorator, and we all carpooled to the mortuary. I was fine once i was in their good company. Then i realized that the funeral home is three small blocks away from Oldest Friend and Poking Boyfriend's apartment. Creepy.
Walking in, i was anxious. Lots of people were there, and i knew in that building was Alaina's body. I wasn't sure i was ready to see her lifelessness yet. Everyone who was in attendance was nothing but sweet and affectionate. I got in line to sign the physical guestbook and right after i did was when i saw her. Her face poked out from the casket. It was the weirdest feeling... almost like seeing a doppelganger. Before i went in to see her with my own eyes, i saw Josh. He was hugging everyone who was within reach, thanking them for being here. It was my turn, and we hugged each other tight. My throat started to close, and my voice started to crack and strain high like it does when i'm crying. "I'm sorry" was all i was able to get out, even though i wanted to tell him that i was there for him despite not knowing him very well. I wanted him to know that i would stand by his side. He earnestly thanked me for being there, and we held each other tightly bonding over our mutual loss of Alaina. Then i let go because other people wanted to hug him too.
Like a car crash, i was unable to peel my eyes away from Alaina's direction. I knew, this was it. I had to go up there and now. So i separated from my party and bounded for the casket at the end of the room. Then there she was. She was wearing a pretty green top with a green flower-shaped necklace that matched, and her wedding ring sparkled in the lights. Her face was different. She looked more like a playdough version of Alaina. A wax figure. When you die, so does everything, including your muscles and all tissues within your body. Her facial muscles had fallen towards the ground, and doing so made her face really stretched out. It caused her eyelids to seem very pulled back and they were closed in a very strange way. I cried. a lot. My co-workers wondered if i was ok, and i was, relatively, give or take my incessant mind. Either way, there was one certainty. Everything is true.
I sat down with my co-workers in the pews in front of her casket. They talked, and i stared at her lifeless playdough body. I fought off every denial i placed up, and i reasoned every question. Roughly 45 minutes later, i was unable to cry anymore. Memories that my brain threw at me were not causing my heart to break. I was actually... dare i say it... smiling. I looked back at the picture where she wrote "i love my husband" on her dirty truck. Nothing but a meek smile. A few minutes later, i declared it. I was officially in the Acceptance stage of Grief. I literally didn't cry for her again until i got to the funeral today. I was perfectly fine until they played "The Lord Bless You and Keep You" which has memories tacked onto it outside of Alaina, but this just made me weep. We used to sing it in choir when i was in high school for our departing seniors at the end of the year. It already touched me a lot, but then hearing it there... my eyes welled up.
It was amazing just how many people showed up to her funeral. Amazing. Alaina has touched so many lives with her goodness and her kindness. Josh got up and said a few things about her too, and he's remarkable. I can tell he's hurting, but he's like Alaina, who, even on her worst days, was still really positive and upbeat. Josh has a unique ability to push his pain aside when he needs too. Once he was finished speaking though, he started to break down, and Alaina's father came over and gave him a hug. It was a very happy and yet sad funeral. People were asked to share their memories of Alaina, and a lot of them were actually really funny, but the one that made my heart swell the most, was... well, before i tell you, let me preface with a little story. Alaina used to draw hearts on everything in starbucks. The coffee bags, syrup bottles, everything. Her last day at our store, she went on a rampage, and drew hearts on every single syrup bottle that we had. She never went that far before, and it was so nice because we had a little piece of Alaina for about a month after she left. Now, this guy, he stood up and he said he worked with Alaina over in Target, and i was thinking "...i dont know this guy." I realized shortly afterward that he was from the Lincoln store. "One day i came into work, and all the syrup bottles had hearts drawn all over them, and no one knew who was doing it, and then we finally figured out that it was Alaina." I swear, all of our bakery and starbucks people who were present just burst into laughter, as we knew.
I was still doing good throughout the ceremony. Then it was over, but we were allowed to go up and pay our respects to Josh and the families. I wanted to again. I hugged Josh, let him know that i really truely supported him, and that i would absolutely love to help him out in any way i could. Naturally, because we dont know each other well, he merely said to pray. Then i went over to her mom again. I adore her mother. She's a wonderful lady. She gave me a big hug again, and i said, "I just wanted you both to know..." Alaina's father joined in, "... that Alaina has truely touched my heart, and has inspired me to be a better person. I'd see her everyday..." and then it came. The dreaded lump of doom. Tears flooded my eyes. "... and i'd just want... to be like her." I choked up and Alaina's mother gave me a huge hug. That was it. More tears fell. After a thank you, and her mom promising she'd come by the store often, i moved on, and down the aisle were a lot of the perishible members of my store. Most all of Bakery, Starbucks, A couple of Produce members, a Deli member, two HR reps, And even four old co-workers of ours. A lot of them were staring at me and my teary eyes. Produce Guy was. I couldn't look at him. I'm trying to get over him, and avoidance has been working. "It comes in waves, doesn't it?" asked one of my bakery co workers, and i agreed. "yeah. I was doing fine through out the entire thing, but then i started talking to her mom, and i just lost it." Lots of them were asking me if i was ok. It was weird as Quiet Cake Decorator and Actress Co-Worker both had intensely red faces. I gave them hugs. They've being having a hard time too. Then i slinked into a chair whilst they all stood, and just tried to get control of myself. These past few days have left me with a severe case of absent mindedness (which granted i am on a normal day, but not to this magnitude) and i really regret not personally saying hi to everyone and not hugging them.
Anyway, what i said to her mother was true. I want to be more like Alaina. Alaina is vivacious. friendly. warm. happy. good. deeply religious. She always put other people first. always had a bounce in her step. Always said hi to everyone she met. Always full of confidence and grace. Alaina could do no wrong. I decided, i need to be more like that, and so, i will. I will overcome my shyness which has being slowly building back up throughout the years, and i will go back to church and learn to fully love and worship Christ. I'm a terrible Christian, as there is A LOT of the Bible i do not know, and no matter what verse you say... i dont have a clue what it is. You could say Psalm 118, and i come up with a blank. Peter 6:2. I dont know. Genesis 13:3. Dont know. I know Exodus fairly well, but not really. I actually know Revelations pretty decently, but still. Say Exodus 12:5 and i'm clueless. I dont know any hymns. I dont know much about anything, and i have blindly put my faith in Christ without knowing why, and that shouldn't be. I need to surrender myself to Him, and i regret to say that i have not. I want to. For Alaina. For myself.
I want to lose weight and be healthier. I want to greet every person at work. I want to become a better conversationalist. I want to be happy. I want to be optimistic. I want to be on top of the world even at my worst. I want to be called vivacious. I want to be called a one of a kind, like Alaina. I know she will guide me through this.
I'm very happy to say that i can think about Alaina and smile. The only tears i have left in me are for Josh and Alaina's parents.
I went to the visitation with one idea in mind: If i saw her, then this would all become real.
I didn't want to go because of this: If i saw her, then this would all become real.
This whole event just seems surreal. All of it. I couldn't fathom it this entire time, which is why i was stuck in denial a lot. I just couldn't imagine this to be real, and i still very much sensed her presence which is another odd thing. I sensed her presence, even though i haven't seen her since her wedding day. I felt like she was still here with us this entire time, and because of this, i couldn't possibly believe she was gone. I needed a wake up call. I needed to see with my own eyes that she was gone.
I was freaking out up until about 5pm, when i finally met up with several other co-workers including Demon Boss and The Cake Decorator, and we all carpooled to the mortuary. I was fine once i was in their good company. Then i realized that the funeral home is three small blocks away from Oldest Friend and Poking Boyfriend's apartment. Creepy.
Walking in, i was anxious. Lots of people were there, and i knew in that building was Alaina's body. I wasn't sure i was ready to see her lifelessness yet. Everyone who was in attendance was nothing but sweet and affectionate. I got in line to sign the physical guestbook and right after i did was when i saw her. Her face poked out from the casket. It was the weirdest feeling... almost like seeing a doppelganger. Before i went in to see her with my own eyes, i saw Josh. He was hugging everyone who was within reach, thanking them for being here. It was my turn, and we hugged each other tight. My throat started to close, and my voice started to crack and strain high like it does when i'm crying. "I'm sorry" was all i was able to get out, even though i wanted to tell him that i was there for him despite not knowing him very well. I wanted him to know that i would stand by his side. He earnestly thanked me for being there, and we held each other tightly bonding over our mutual loss of Alaina. Then i let go because other people wanted to hug him too.
Like a car crash, i was unable to peel my eyes away from Alaina's direction. I knew, this was it. I had to go up there and now. So i separated from my party and bounded for the casket at the end of the room. Then there she was. She was wearing a pretty green top with a green flower-shaped necklace that matched, and her wedding ring sparkled in the lights. Her face was different. She looked more like a playdough version of Alaina. A wax figure. When you die, so does everything, including your muscles and all tissues within your body. Her facial muscles had fallen towards the ground, and doing so made her face really stretched out. It caused her eyelids to seem very pulled back and they were closed in a very strange way. I cried. a lot. My co-workers wondered if i was ok, and i was, relatively, give or take my incessant mind. Either way, there was one certainty. Everything is true.
I sat down with my co-workers in the pews in front of her casket. They talked, and i stared at her lifeless playdough body. I fought off every denial i placed up, and i reasoned every question. Roughly 45 minutes later, i was unable to cry anymore. Memories that my brain threw at me were not causing my heart to break. I was actually... dare i say it... smiling. I looked back at the picture where she wrote "i love my husband" on her dirty truck. Nothing but a meek smile. A few minutes later, i declared it. I was officially in the Acceptance stage of Grief. I literally didn't cry for her again until i got to the funeral today. I was perfectly fine until they played "The Lord Bless You and Keep You" which has memories tacked onto it outside of Alaina, but this just made me weep. We used to sing it in choir when i was in high school for our departing seniors at the end of the year. It already touched me a lot, but then hearing it there... my eyes welled up.
It was amazing just how many people showed up to her funeral. Amazing. Alaina has touched so many lives with her goodness and her kindness. Josh got up and said a few things about her too, and he's remarkable. I can tell he's hurting, but he's like Alaina, who, even on her worst days, was still really positive and upbeat. Josh has a unique ability to push his pain aside when he needs too. Once he was finished speaking though, he started to break down, and Alaina's father came over and gave him a hug. It was a very happy and yet sad funeral. People were asked to share their memories of Alaina, and a lot of them were actually really funny, but the one that made my heart swell the most, was... well, before i tell you, let me preface with a little story. Alaina used to draw hearts on everything in starbucks. The coffee bags, syrup bottles, everything. Her last day at our store, she went on a rampage, and drew hearts on every single syrup bottle that we had. She never went that far before, and it was so nice because we had a little piece of Alaina for about a month after she left. Now, this guy, he stood up and he said he worked with Alaina over in Target, and i was thinking "...i dont know this guy." I realized shortly afterward that he was from the Lincoln store. "One day i came into work, and all the syrup bottles had hearts drawn all over them, and no one knew who was doing it, and then we finally figured out that it was Alaina." I swear, all of our bakery and starbucks people who were present just burst into laughter, as we knew.
I was still doing good throughout the ceremony. Then it was over, but we were allowed to go up and pay our respects to Josh and the families. I wanted to again. I hugged Josh, let him know that i really truely supported him, and that i would absolutely love to help him out in any way i could. Naturally, because we dont know each other well, he merely said to pray. Then i went over to her mom again. I adore her mother. She's a wonderful lady. She gave me a big hug again, and i said, "I just wanted you both to know..." Alaina's father joined in, "... that Alaina has truely touched my heart, and has inspired me to be a better person. I'd see her everyday..." and then it came. The dreaded lump of doom. Tears flooded my eyes. "... and i'd just want... to be like her." I choked up and Alaina's mother gave me a huge hug. That was it. More tears fell. After a thank you, and her mom promising she'd come by the store often, i moved on, and down the aisle were a lot of the perishible members of my store. Most all of Bakery, Starbucks, A couple of Produce members, a Deli member, two HR reps, And even four old co-workers of ours. A lot of them were staring at me and my teary eyes. Produce Guy was. I couldn't look at him. I'm trying to get over him, and avoidance has been working. "It comes in waves, doesn't it?" asked one of my bakery co workers, and i agreed. "yeah. I was doing fine through out the entire thing, but then i started talking to her mom, and i just lost it." Lots of them were asking me if i was ok. It was weird as Quiet Cake Decorator and Actress Co-Worker both had intensely red faces. I gave them hugs. They've being having a hard time too. Then i slinked into a chair whilst they all stood, and just tried to get control of myself. These past few days have left me with a severe case of absent mindedness (which granted i am on a normal day, but not to this magnitude) and i really regret not personally saying hi to everyone and not hugging them.
Anyway, what i said to her mother was true. I want to be more like Alaina. Alaina is vivacious. friendly. warm. happy. good. deeply religious. She always put other people first. always had a bounce in her step. Always said hi to everyone she met. Always full of confidence and grace. Alaina could do no wrong. I decided, i need to be more like that, and so, i will. I will overcome my shyness which has being slowly building back up throughout the years, and i will go back to church and learn to fully love and worship Christ. I'm a terrible Christian, as there is A LOT of the Bible i do not know, and no matter what verse you say... i dont have a clue what it is. You could say Psalm 118, and i come up with a blank. Peter 6:2. I dont know. Genesis 13:3. Dont know. I know Exodus fairly well, but not really. I actually know Revelations pretty decently, but still. Say Exodus 12:5 and i'm clueless. I dont know any hymns. I dont know much about anything, and i have blindly put my faith in Christ without knowing why, and that shouldn't be. I need to surrender myself to Him, and i regret to say that i have not. I want to. For Alaina. For myself.
I want to lose weight and be healthier. I want to greet every person at work. I want to become a better conversationalist. I want to be happy. I want to be optimistic. I want to be on top of the world even at my worst. I want to be called vivacious. I want to be called a one of a kind, like Alaina. I know she will guide me through this.
I'm very happy to say that i can think about Alaina and smile. The only tears i have left in me are for Josh and Alaina's parents.