this is the last time i abandon you and this is the last time i forget you.
THINGS THAT HAPPENED TUESDAY AFTERNOON:
-I had a huge talk with my mom.
-We talked about her marriage with my stepfather. She was talking to a friend, not her daughter, because she knows her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her husband. The word divorce never came up. I asked her what she got out of her relationship with him because i dont get it. I know what he gets out of it, but i really haven't the slightest clue what she gets out of it. I learned that mom doesn't think they have a "marriage". they have more of a "partnership."
-We discussed a lot of my problems... problems i dont like talking about with people... or letting them know i have.
-Like, how i dont talk to people when i'm hurting. I reserve it for when i'm by myself, and then i write it down for release. I normally throw it away because it's like looking at an open wound. it's not pretty. Mom really thinks i need to open up to the people around me.
-Like, how my absolute #1 worst fear of all time is people getting mad at me. I started hyperventilating just thinking about it, and had to calm myself down. We dont know where that originated, and it was hard for mom to see me so upset.
-Like, how i have self esteem issues. I have self worth issues. I dont think my problems or my accomplishments are worth a fuss to other people. I have this intense desire to have attention, and the rare times when i get it i hate it because i dont think i deserve it. I dont think i deserve attention for anything. Mom, i think, is going to try to reassure me constantly about these things.
-Like, how i have boundary issues. I dont touch people because i know lots of people dont like that. I dont cry on people's shoulders because i dont know if our relationship is stable enough for such things. Or i worry that the reason i'm so upset about something is completely childish to other people. (Between you and me, i also dont think anyone does what i need them to do... nurture me. They all try to help. I dont want help. If i wanted help i'd ask for it. I just want someone to sympathize with me, and no one does.)
-LOTS AND LOTS OF CRYING happened. On both ends.
-We talked about my brother and how it seems like nothing i do pleases him, and i cant ask him to do anything with me because he always rejects it. I relish moments when he asks me to do something... even when it's just to drive him to McDonalds. All i want from him, sometimes, is to do something for him. I would give almost anything just for those little moments when i can do something for him. Mom said i should just keep trying to ask him to do something. Even if he rejects all of them. Because maybe just asking makes him happy.
-We talked about how i've changed in the past few months. I'm more responsible, and i realized... omg... i have. I believe i've changed my view on things. It's great to feel like i'm refining... moving... not standing perfectly still in a constantly moving world.
-Mom believes i'm just like "Jo" from Little Women, and it's true. Jo likes things to be the same... she doesn't like radical change. Neither do i. She likes to play all the time, and write. I do to. When things start changing too fast for her she feels like she has to escape even though she loves her home so much. I do too. Its actually really eerie how similar Jo and I are. Mom thinks that whenever i can afford it, i should take one of those tours through Europe, and i soooo want to.
-We talked about how it really hurts me that i haven't had a boyfriend yet. I'm 22 and i've never had any thing close to a relationship with a guy and tons of my friends are getting engaged. I wouldn't be so upset about it if i'd at least had one before, you know? I feel like a prune... everyone would prefer grapes, raisins, or even plums before they'd want a prune. But i'm a prune. No one wants prunes. She told me i need to put myself out there more. But i told her that's just it. I'm trying. I go so many places by myself. I go to the zoo so much i dont want to go there without a friend anymore. When i get off of work, sometimes i think to myself that i should go to Borders... not because i have anything i want to buy there. I go to the movies by myself all the time, and still nothing. It's to the point where i feel like i've met everyone i'm going to meet in Omaha.
-It was hard to talk to mom about these things because mom really really really doesn't like to see me hurt. it's a mom thing, i know. It was hard to see that my pain was also hurting her.
-Mom started crying about her mom. My grandma died when i was seven to early stages of Alzheimers. Mom loved her so much, but she worried so much that grandma hated her. Mom was kind of the odd duck out of the family. My grandpa favored my Uncle Fred so obviously. Grandma then took pity on my Uncle Tom, and chose to favor him even though her favorite was really my Aunt Carol, who was the oldest and was already married by the time my mom was 6. But no one favored my mom. Mom felt the closest to Grandma but sometimes grandma would say things like she couldn't believe how different my mom and her were, and that to this day still hurts my mom really bad. Grandma was kind of a bigot too, so she didn't approve of her marriage to my stepdad. That hurt my mom. When grandma was at her worst with Alzheimers, she was always hostile with mom, and mom worries that grandma secretly had a lot of distain for her. I know in my heart that's so not true, but theres no way i can assure my mom of this.
-Our bond thickened greatly.
-I had a huge talk with my mom.
-We talked about her marriage with my stepfather. She was talking to a friend, not her daughter, because she knows her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her husband. The word divorce never came up. I asked her what she got out of her relationship with him because i dont get it. I know what he gets out of it, but i really haven't the slightest clue what she gets out of it. I learned that mom doesn't think they have a "marriage". they have more of a "partnership."
-We discussed a lot of my problems... problems i dont like talking about with people... or letting them know i have.
-Like, how i dont talk to people when i'm hurting. I reserve it for when i'm by myself, and then i write it down for release. I normally throw it away because it's like looking at an open wound. it's not pretty. Mom really thinks i need to open up to the people around me.
-Like, how my absolute #1 worst fear of all time is people getting mad at me. I started hyperventilating just thinking about it, and had to calm myself down. We dont know where that originated, and it was hard for mom to see me so upset.
-Like, how i have self esteem issues. I have self worth issues. I dont think my problems or my accomplishments are worth a fuss to other people. I have this intense desire to have attention, and the rare times when i get it i hate it because i dont think i deserve it. I dont think i deserve attention for anything. Mom, i think, is going to try to reassure me constantly about these things.
-Like, how i have boundary issues. I dont touch people because i know lots of people dont like that. I dont cry on people's shoulders because i dont know if our relationship is stable enough for such things. Or i worry that the reason i'm so upset about something is completely childish to other people. (Between you and me, i also dont think anyone does what i need them to do... nurture me. They all try to help. I dont want help. If i wanted help i'd ask for it. I just want someone to sympathize with me, and no one does.)
-LOTS AND LOTS OF CRYING happened. On both ends.
-We talked about my brother and how it seems like nothing i do pleases him, and i cant ask him to do anything with me because he always rejects it. I relish moments when he asks me to do something... even when it's just to drive him to McDonalds. All i want from him, sometimes, is to do something for him. I would give almost anything just for those little moments when i can do something for him. Mom said i should just keep trying to ask him to do something. Even if he rejects all of them. Because maybe just asking makes him happy.
-We talked about how i've changed in the past few months. I'm more responsible, and i realized... omg... i have. I believe i've changed my view on things. It's great to feel like i'm refining... moving... not standing perfectly still in a constantly moving world.
-Mom believes i'm just like "Jo" from Little Women, and it's true. Jo likes things to be the same... she doesn't like radical change. Neither do i. She likes to play all the time, and write. I do to. When things start changing too fast for her she feels like she has to escape even though she loves her home so much. I do too. Its actually really eerie how similar Jo and I are. Mom thinks that whenever i can afford it, i should take one of those tours through Europe, and i soooo want to.
-We talked about how it really hurts me that i haven't had a boyfriend yet. I'm 22 and i've never had any thing close to a relationship with a guy and tons of my friends are getting engaged. I wouldn't be so upset about it if i'd at least had one before, you know? I feel like a prune... everyone would prefer grapes, raisins, or even plums before they'd want a prune. But i'm a prune. No one wants prunes. She told me i need to put myself out there more. But i told her that's just it. I'm trying. I go so many places by myself. I go to the zoo so much i dont want to go there without a friend anymore. When i get off of work, sometimes i think to myself that i should go to Borders... not because i have anything i want to buy there. I go to the movies by myself all the time, and still nothing. It's to the point where i feel like i've met everyone i'm going to meet in Omaha.
-It was hard to talk to mom about these things because mom really really really doesn't like to see me hurt. it's a mom thing, i know. It was hard to see that my pain was also hurting her.
-Mom started crying about her mom. My grandma died when i was seven to early stages of Alzheimers. Mom loved her so much, but she worried so much that grandma hated her. Mom was kind of the odd duck out of the family. My grandpa favored my Uncle Fred so obviously. Grandma then took pity on my Uncle Tom, and chose to favor him even though her favorite was really my Aunt Carol, who was the oldest and was already married by the time my mom was 6. But no one favored my mom. Mom felt the closest to Grandma but sometimes grandma would say things like she couldn't believe how different my mom and her were, and that to this day still hurts my mom really bad. Grandma was kind of a bigot too, so she didn't approve of her marriage to my stepdad. That hurt my mom. When grandma was at her worst with Alzheimers, she was always hostile with mom, and mom worries that grandma secretly had a lot of distain for her. I know in my heart that's so not true, but theres no way i can assure my mom of this.
-Our bond thickened greatly.