Unsent Letters To Celebrities: Motherload
These have are some opinions i've had for a long time. I needed to get them out, so this is kind of like "spring cleaning of the mind" or whatever. And i apologize for the first few, because i've been watching a tape of the 2002 MTV Movie Awards (WHICH RULES BTW). So... yeah.
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Dear Jack Black,
I dont know why i keep trying to deny it, but im pretty sure i'm ready to admit that i love you. I figured out when i started loving you. It was from the 2002 MTV Movie Awards when you "kicked serious, kicked major league, kicked total and complete ass", to quote you in your intro song.
It's good to see that you haven't stopped kicking serious, major league, total and complete ass. So, this letter is for me to finally admit that you rock my socks off. So much. Please dont stop being a complete ass... i mean kicking complete ass.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear MTV,
You haven't had a good awards show since the 2002 MTV Movie Awards. Make Jack Black host again.
Sincerely
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Uncle Tom,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOANING ME YOUR COPY OF THE 2002 MTV MOVIE AWARDS. Your my favorite uncle ever. And not just because you loaned it to me, but because you actually recorded it.
Love,
Your favorite niece.
(i know this isn't a celebrity, but right now, he might as well be for being totally awesome)
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Dear Ewan McGregor,
PLEASE WEAR EYE LINER EVERYDAY.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner,
Its weird to watch an awards show you both attended, Jennifer with your ex-husband Scott Foley, and Ben... well, you were alone, but still you were seated next to your co-star in Sum Of All Fears Bridget Moynahan, and realize that you two were in totally different stages in your life, and neither of you were involved with each other remotely.
It causes me to sit here and go "BEN, YOUR FUTURE WIFE IS SITTING WITH HER HUSBAND!!!" or "JEN, YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND IS ON STAGE PRESENTING WITH BRIDGET MOYNAHAN!!!" its weird. i just thought you should know that.
Its also weird to know that you two were both in Pearl Harbor and STILL neither of you were involved with each other remotely. Life's crazy ain't it?
I'm glad you two are happy with each other and if you ever break up, i'm going to cry.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
P.S. Say hi to Violet for me! She's such a cutie!!
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Dear Orlando Bloom,
Please marry me now.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Scarlett Johannson,
I'm sorry that i can never spell your last name correctly. I wish you had a last name that was easier to spell.
Anyway, I wish you would stop dating all the hot hollywood guys. mostly because they're mine. Not that i'm jealous or anything, because you kick so much ass, but i swear, if i have a crush on a hollywood guy, you're rumored to be dating him. Case in point: Josh Hartnett and Justin Timberlake. Now, i'll let you have them, but i'm crossing the line at Orlando Bloom. Ok? Thank you. Its just getting a little creepy is all.
Thanks for understanding,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Jessica Simpson,
John Mayer is more intelligent than you. This is why i'm not allowing you to date him.
Sorry for the inconvenience,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Ewan McGregor,
I was not joking before. You MUST wear eyeliner everyday. You are very very very very very very very very very very sexy when you wear eyeliner. I'm not even remotely kidding.
Thanks,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Angelina Jolie,
if you fire your stylist, be prepared for my wrath. because your stylist is a genius. infact, give her a raise, or feel my wrath.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Isaiah Washington,
Stop speaking in public. Infact, just stop speaking unless you have a line on Greys Anatomy. I'd hate for anything to happen to Burke just because you're an ignorant slut. (sorry i was going for just ignorant, but sometimes i catch the SNL bug, and i have to say "you ignorant slut!" at those opportune moments.)
Thanks for understanding,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Chandra Wilson,
I'm sorry for always spouting off about how Izzie is my favorite character, and how Katherine Heigl is amazing. You are without a doubt my second favorite, and working very hard for a tie. Thank you for making Miranda Bailey an amazing character on Grey's Anatomy. You rule. Do not let anyone change Miranda Bailey.
Thanks again,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Katie Holmes,
Remember the days when you were cute and innocent? I miss those days.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
P.S. I wasn't lying when i said i was working on trying to forgive you for breaking my homeboy Chris Klein's heart. I mean, you did throw away six years of bliss into the toilet for... well, i wont go there. But, maybe it'll take me six years to forgive you. I'm working on it. This stuff takes time. I mean, Chris Klein is my homeboy... and trust me its really hard for me to say "homeboy" but it's true... he's from Omaha, NE. He's truely my "home" "boy". Anyway... it's going to take awhile longer than expected to forgive you for that. I'm working on it.
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Dear Jessica Darling from the book "Charmed Thirds",
Let me start off by apologizing for neglecting you for about a year before starting to read the book again. You were kind of nauseating... i mean, all you talked about was sex this, and public oral sex simulation that, and i mean, i can only take so many graphic innuendos for so long you know? So... i'm sorry.
I'm also going to apologize because the rest of this letter is about the revelation of you cheating on Marcus, and I'll admit, i didn't get very far in this revelation because my half an hour of break was up, and i really couldn't read more... so, i left off at a very vital time when more explanations could be popping up in the next paragraph or so, but i was already a few minutes late clocking back in for work, so... yeah.
I'm also going to apologize because i left you in my car, so i couldn't read more.
Ok, onto the point: JESSICA DARLING!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?! You were an amazing girl in "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings" and do you know what you just did in "Charmed Thirds"? You threw that awesomeness that i loved about you, and you ripped it into shreds, stomped on it a few times, then you proceeded to put it into the blender until it became liquid, and then you let it mold for a few days, and then you let it harden again, and then you lit it on fire, and then you froze it in the freezer again, and then you took it out threw it on the ground again until it broke apart into several pieces, and then proceeded to flush it down a toilet.
THAT is what you did.
Did you know that i made a list of 10 fictional guys who i would do in a heartbeat? well, i did. and do you know who was number 1 on that list? Marcus Flutie. Yeah. Your boyfriend. YOUR BOYFRIEND. And do you know what you did while you had him as your boyfriend? you cheated on him for reasons i dont know as of yet.
Are you completely retarded or do you just not have a brain?
Jessica, because you cheated on him for some random reason i'm not even aware of yet, you're now labeled as a cheater. In my mind, once a cheater always a cheater. I may forgive, but i'll NEVER forget, and Marcus will never trust you again. I'll never trust you again, and YOU DONT EVEN EXIST!
So, Jessica, i'm angry. And let me have your boyfriend if your just going to jerk him around.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
PS: ok, now that that's out, i plan on reading your stupid insignificant reason why this happened later.
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Dear Marcus Flutie,
Jessica doesn't deserve your amazingness. Marry me now.
With much love, and never an inkling to cheat,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Megan McCafferty,
Why is Marcus Flutie a fictional character? i want to marry him.
And why did you allow Jessica to cheat on him? i just dont understand how such a thing is possible, but like i explained to Jessica, i didn't really have much time to read the stupid insignificant explanation.
By the way, "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings" are AMAZING books.
Thanks,
Alisa Valley.
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Dear Orlando Bloom,
Dont be jealous of Marcus Flutie because i put him down as #1. Will Turner was a close second. And your alive. so that gives you bonus points.
so... marry me.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
------------------------
Dear Will Ferrell,
You dont need a sports comedy to be funny. Seriously man, Blades of Glory is going to be your third sports comedy. I know you wanted to be a sportscaster, but honestly. Give us a breather.
You dont also have to make riches-to-rags-to-riches movies to be funny either. Blades of Glory is going to be your third riches-to-rags-to-riches comedy. give it a breather.
Just looking out for ya,
Alisa Valley.
-----------------------
Dear Leo DiCaprio,
Your an amazing actor. Martin Scorcese (however you spell his last name) is an amazing director. I know he's your homeboy, and i know your his puppy, but seriously, there are other directors in the sea. Like... Steven Spielberg. Or Peter Jackson. Or Darren Aronofsky. Or Nick Cassavettes. Or Richard Kelly. Or Tony Scott. Or JJ Abrams (!!), or Clint Eastwood, or yeah others. Give Martin Scorcese a breather ok... he can use other actors besides you. It's ok. Trust me.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
-----------------------
Dear Everyone Who Had Any Part Of 24 Season 5,
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!
And dont even think about asking me which why, because you know which one it is. actually it's the first three "why!!!!!?!?!?!?!" 's of the season.
The one in particular occurs within the first fourteen minutes of the first episode. That was... amazingly rude. and just evil. and cruel. and gah, i've already gone through a crying fit for that person back in season 3 when i assumed that person was going to catch the disease.
I'm sad. i really really am. and i'm almost even more sad about the "WHYYYYYYYYYYYY1?!?!?!?!?!" that occurs midway through the season. i mean, theres so much history with that person!!!! i'm, just.... remorseful.
i'm also really really really upset about what happened with the first three minutes of season 5. i mean... what an opener, but that was just evil.
Ok, thats all for now. Except maybe, i'm loving season 6 so far!!!
Your loyal fan,
Alisa Valley.
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-------------------
Dear Jack Black,
I dont know why i keep trying to deny it, but im pretty sure i'm ready to admit that i love you. I figured out when i started loving you. It was from the 2002 MTV Movie Awards when you "kicked serious, kicked major league, kicked total and complete ass", to quote you in your intro song.
It's good to see that you haven't stopped kicking serious, major league, total and complete ass. So, this letter is for me to finally admit that you rock my socks off. So much. Please dont stop being a complete ass... i mean kicking complete ass.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear MTV,
You haven't had a good awards show since the 2002 MTV Movie Awards. Make Jack Black host again.
Sincerely
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Uncle Tom,
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOANING ME YOUR COPY OF THE 2002 MTV MOVIE AWARDS. Your my favorite uncle ever. And not just because you loaned it to me, but because you actually recorded it.
Love,
Your favorite niece.
(i know this isn't a celebrity, but right now, he might as well be for being totally awesome)
--------------------
Dear Ewan McGregor,
PLEASE WEAR EYE LINER EVERYDAY.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner,
Its weird to watch an awards show you both attended, Jennifer with your ex-husband Scott Foley, and Ben... well, you were alone, but still you were seated next to your co-star in Sum Of All Fears Bridget Moynahan, and realize that you two were in totally different stages in your life, and neither of you were involved with each other remotely.
It causes me to sit here and go "BEN, YOUR FUTURE WIFE IS SITTING WITH HER HUSBAND!!!" or "JEN, YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND IS ON STAGE PRESENTING WITH BRIDGET MOYNAHAN!!!" its weird. i just thought you should know that.
Its also weird to know that you two were both in Pearl Harbor and STILL neither of you were involved with each other remotely. Life's crazy ain't it?
I'm glad you two are happy with each other and if you ever break up, i'm going to cry.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
P.S. Say hi to Violet for me! She's such a cutie!!
--------------------
Dear Orlando Bloom,
Please marry me now.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Scarlett Johannson,
I'm sorry that i can never spell your last name correctly. I wish you had a last name that was easier to spell.
Anyway, I wish you would stop dating all the hot hollywood guys. mostly because they're mine. Not that i'm jealous or anything, because you kick so much ass, but i swear, if i have a crush on a hollywood guy, you're rumored to be dating him. Case in point: Josh Hartnett and Justin Timberlake. Now, i'll let you have them, but i'm crossing the line at Orlando Bloom. Ok? Thank you. Its just getting a little creepy is all.
Thanks for understanding,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Jessica Simpson,
John Mayer is more intelligent than you. This is why i'm not allowing you to date him.
Sorry for the inconvenience,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Ewan McGregor,
I was not joking before. You MUST wear eyeliner everyday. You are very very very very very very very very very very sexy when you wear eyeliner. I'm not even remotely kidding.
Thanks,
Alisa Valley.
--------------------
Dear Angelina Jolie,
if you fire your stylist, be prepared for my wrath. because your stylist is a genius. infact, give her a raise, or feel my wrath.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
-------------------
Dear Isaiah Washington,
Stop speaking in public. Infact, just stop speaking unless you have a line on Greys Anatomy. I'd hate for anything to happen to Burke just because you're an ignorant slut. (sorry i was going for just ignorant, but sometimes i catch the SNL bug, and i have to say "you ignorant slut!" at those opportune moments.)
Thanks for understanding,
Alisa Valley.
-------------------
Dear Chandra Wilson,
I'm sorry for always spouting off about how Izzie is my favorite character, and how Katherine Heigl is amazing. You are without a doubt my second favorite, and working very hard for a tie. Thank you for making Miranda Bailey an amazing character on Grey's Anatomy. You rule. Do not let anyone change Miranda Bailey.
Thanks again,
Alisa Valley.
---------------------
Dear Katie Holmes,
Remember the days when you were cute and innocent? I miss those days.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
P.S. I wasn't lying when i said i was working on trying to forgive you for breaking my homeboy Chris Klein's heart. I mean, you did throw away six years of bliss into the toilet for... well, i wont go there. But, maybe it'll take me six years to forgive you. I'm working on it. This stuff takes time. I mean, Chris Klein is my homeboy... and trust me its really hard for me to say "homeboy" but it's true... he's from Omaha, NE. He's truely my "home" "boy". Anyway... it's going to take awhile longer than expected to forgive you for that. I'm working on it.
---------------------
Dear Jessica Darling from the book "Charmed Thirds",
Let me start off by apologizing for neglecting you for about a year before starting to read the book again. You were kind of nauseating... i mean, all you talked about was sex this, and public oral sex simulation that, and i mean, i can only take so many graphic innuendos for so long you know? So... i'm sorry.
I'm also going to apologize because the rest of this letter is about the revelation of you cheating on Marcus, and I'll admit, i didn't get very far in this revelation because my half an hour of break was up, and i really couldn't read more... so, i left off at a very vital time when more explanations could be popping up in the next paragraph or so, but i was already a few minutes late clocking back in for work, so... yeah.
I'm also going to apologize because i left you in my car, so i couldn't read more.
Ok, onto the point: JESSICA DARLING!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!?! You were an amazing girl in "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings" and do you know what you just did in "Charmed Thirds"? You threw that awesomeness that i loved about you, and you ripped it into shreds, stomped on it a few times, then you proceeded to put it into the blender until it became liquid, and then you let it mold for a few days, and then you let it harden again, and then you lit it on fire, and then you froze it in the freezer again, and then you took it out threw it on the ground again until it broke apart into several pieces, and then proceeded to flush it down a toilet.
THAT is what you did.
Did you know that i made a list of 10 fictional guys who i would do in a heartbeat? well, i did. and do you know who was number 1 on that list? Marcus Flutie. Yeah. Your boyfriend. YOUR BOYFRIEND. And do you know what you did while you had him as your boyfriend? you cheated on him for reasons i dont know as of yet.
Are you completely retarded or do you just not have a brain?
Jessica, because you cheated on him for some random reason i'm not even aware of yet, you're now labeled as a cheater. In my mind, once a cheater always a cheater. I may forgive, but i'll NEVER forget, and Marcus will never trust you again. I'll never trust you again, and YOU DONT EVEN EXIST!
So, Jessica, i'm angry. And let me have your boyfriend if your just going to jerk him around.
Sincerely,
Alisa Valley.
PS: ok, now that that's out, i plan on reading your stupid insignificant reason why this happened later.
------------------------
Dear Marcus Flutie,
Jessica doesn't deserve your amazingness. Marry me now.
With much love, and never an inkling to cheat,
Alisa Valley.
------------------------
Dear Megan McCafferty,
Why is Marcus Flutie a fictional character? i want to marry him.
And why did you allow Jessica to cheat on him? i just dont understand how such a thing is possible, but like i explained to Jessica, i didn't really have much time to read the stupid insignificant explanation.
By the way, "Sloppy Firsts" and "Second Helpings" are AMAZING books.
Thanks,
Alisa Valley.
------------------------
Dear Orlando Bloom,
Dont be jealous of Marcus Flutie because i put him down as #1. Will Turner was a close second. And your alive. so that gives you bonus points.
so... marry me.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
------------------------
Dear Will Ferrell,
You dont need a sports comedy to be funny. Seriously man, Blades of Glory is going to be your third sports comedy. I know you wanted to be a sportscaster, but honestly. Give us a breather.
You dont also have to make riches-to-rags-to-riches movies to be funny either. Blades of Glory is going to be your third riches-to-rags-to-riches comedy. give it a breather.
Just looking out for ya,
Alisa Valley.
-----------------------
Dear Leo DiCaprio,
Your an amazing actor. Martin Scorcese (however you spell his last name) is an amazing director. I know he's your homeboy, and i know your his puppy, but seriously, there are other directors in the sea. Like... Steven Spielberg. Or Peter Jackson. Or Darren Aronofsky. Or Nick Cassavettes. Or Richard Kelly. Or Tony Scott. Or JJ Abrams (!!), or Clint Eastwood, or yeah others. Give Martin Scorcese a breather ok... he can use other actors besides you. It's ok. Trust me.
Love,
Alisa Valley.
-----------------------
Dear Everyone Who Had Any Part Of 24 Season 5,
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!
And dont even think about asking me which why, because you know which one it is. actually it's the first three "why!!!!!?!?!?!?!" 's of the season.
The one in particular occurs within the first fourteen minutes of the first episode. That was... amazingly rude. and just evil. and cruel. and gah, i've already gone through a crying fit for that person back in season 3 when i assumed that person was going to catch the disease.
I'm sad. i really really am. and i'm almost even more sad about the "WHYYYYYYYYYYYY1?!?!?!?!?!" that occurs midway through the season. i mean, theres so much history with that person!!!! i'm, just.... remorseful.
i'm also really really really upset about what happened with the first three minutes of season 5. i mean... what an opener, but that was just evil.
Ok, thats all for now. Except maybe, i'm loving season 6 so far!!!
Your loyal fan,
Alisa Valley.
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