its really hard work having a crush...
ok, let me get the newest updates out of the way so that i may get to the actual point of this entry.
BREAKING NEWS:
-->old best friend is back together with her ex boyfriend whom she broke up with because he was dared to take off his pants at a get-together she was not at. she thought that was inappropriate and not right of him to do, and so she broke up with him because he didn't see eye-to-eye with her. well, they're back together folks, and they are taking things slow, like having coffee together on sundays, and going to a movie once a week or so. nothing more. nothing less. i'm not sure what i think about it, but i'm always sketchy about two exes getting back together. i just feel like there's a reason they broke up... and that has to be taken into consideration. so, i'm playing the role of the concerned friend, though granted, i'll admit it, i'm not really that concerned. it's been 5 years since they broke up, and they are being very healthy about this relationship and not jumping off the deep end. i think everything will be fine for now. Should anymore updates with said ex-boyfriend come up, i'll call him... ... ...i dont know, everything i come up with makes me giggle because the only characteristic i know of that separates him from everyone else is his "pant down" incident, so i was thinking of calling him "pants down ex" but that just makes me giggle. and so does "Ex-Pants" and so does "Panty Ex" and just about anything with the word "pants" makes me giggle. why is "pants" such a funny word? thats a question for another time... for right now i'm calling him "Ex-Pants" (giggle)
-->ex-best friend has FINALLY gotten the hint that maybe i'm not a good friend, and she is now backing off, but i feel like shit for not telling her straight up that we're through. its just... it's been so nice without her lately... and the thought of her just brings stress to my mind... so since she's gotten the hint, i guess i just dont feel so bad anymore? i dont know. i just want it over, and just the thought of her gives me stress. i'll figure it out later. in the meantime, we've finally cut ties, and she thinks she's the one holding the scissors... even though it's not entirely true.
-->I'm debating whether or not to participate in Halloween this year, because, well, i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to, but i have absolutely no reason to. Our current neighborhood only gets 10 groups of kids coming to the door the entire night, so its kind of pointless to dress up when theres no one to entertain, and my mom thinks its silly, and i have no halloween parties to attend... ...but i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to dress up as Sydney Bristow with the flaming red hair! i mean, it's a simple costume to get on short notice, you just get a straight blonde wig that goes down to the shoulders, then you get the red dye from the store, and you dye the blonde wig, and then just wear a black long-sleeved, turtle-neck shirt, with black pants, black socks, black shoes, black gloves, black winter cap... BAM! Instant classic Sydney Bristow. easy squeezy lemon peasy. But i have no REASON to! i'm still debating.
--------------------
OK! on to the real point:
THE REAL POINT OF THIS ENTRY:
I hate having crushes. i hate the whole wishy nature of 'do-they-like-me?' 'do-i-like-them?' 'are-they-staring-at-me?' 'does-my-hair-look-ok?' 'am-i-becoming-obsessive?' 'is-that-his-girlfriend?' 'is-that-a-good-sign?' 'why-did-i-look-away?'... that whole nature. it sucks. it's exhausting. it makes me obsessive. and i dont want to be obsessive. i want to be cool. i want to be confident. i want him to come to me if he wants to. i dont want to put myself out there when there is no... "out there" because he has a girlfriend or something.
so, there's this guy who works at the produce section of Target (which is right infront of the bakery). he's kind of heavy, but hell, so am i. he has a nice face. it all started because i have an impeccable ability to know when someone is staring at me. i just know, and i know which direction its coming at, so i can pinpoint who it is in two seconds flat. Needless to say, about a month ago or so, i felt someone stare at me, and i pinpointed Mr. Produce guy. I dont come to conclusions about people staring at me right away, because... hell, i'm kind of a people watcher myself, so i dont think of anything except for... "what am i doing thats causing him to stare at me?" and i figured it was the ridiculous hat that the bakery requires us to wear. i dont do hats. at all. and i reallllly dont do the bakery hat. so, i figured thats what he was looking at. but i felt his stare several different times the whole day. so i started to get curious, but not coming to conclusions.
Then the next time we were working, he was staring at me again. so, then i started staring back... because... well, i was coming to conclusions. "coming to conclusions." So, then i started staring at him so that i could make sure he was really staring at me, or if i'm just insanely paranoid. because, well, i am. And there were several times when he would look at me, so i... concluded. I concluded that he must like me. So i continued to stare at him, because, i was starting to like him too. (its kind of scary how i can grow on a person because i think they might like me... does that make my standards low? or does that just make me desperate? eek!)
I was afraid the whole time that this other produce guy whose one of those guys who isn't afraid to say whats on his mind, will come up to me and say "you can stop staring at him."
"i dont know what your talking about," i'll say.
"you keep staring at him... he doesn't like you like that."
and i'll go all wide-eyed and say "whoa... he's the one whose staring at me!"
he'll smirk and say "sure he is." and walk away.
i have an active imagination. even at the age of 20.
Anyway, these days he stares at me less and less. then the other day i saw him talking with... who i thought at first was a guest... but because now i find myself staring at him, i concluded that they might know each other, and they might be friends... and it was a girl... so... i got worried. and i thought i heard something about him having a girlfriend... but i dont know, it could've been another person they were talking about...
but there was this one time when he came back into the bakery after we closed, and he was going to help us with the trash, and he kept looking at me as he was talking even though he was mostly talking with the Starbucks girl. He and the Starbucks girl are friends. I'm going to call her Flirty Starbucks Girl. I like Flirty Starbucks Girl. She's a sweetheart, and is truely kind and generous... but she's one of those people who you could easily mistake her friendliness with flirting... if your a guy, that is. She has a lot of guys who hit on her because of this friendly flirting. So, i'm also afraid that he likes her, even though she has a boyfriend.
i'm crazy paranoid sometimes.
another time we were talking about one of our co-workers who is about to get engaged, and he came up beside me and joined into our conversation, but i wasn't sure if he just wanted to talk to Flirty Starbucks Girl or if... he... wanted... to be... near... me... i come up with so may conclusions.
My favorite moment though... i was helping a customer, i think i was getting a kid a free cookie, so i looked down so i could find the cookies, and as i was looking up i could see someone was infront of me on the other side of the counter, and i knew it was a produce guy, but it wasnt until i looked at his face did i know it was him... so i said "oh!! hello" and i smiled afterward too. He looked guffawed. Like he was just as nervous and confused on what to do as i was, but he couldn't get any words out, so he nodded his head, and walked away. Thats a good sign isn't it?
I feel stupid though, because last week he came up to he bakery department because one of the other Starbucks girls was over here sneaking a kids cookie, and he wanted one, so she went to get him one, and i saw him look at me. My knee-jerk reaction to that unexpected glance is to look away. So i looked away and continued working. Then i beated myself up over that, because... well, what the hell is wrong with letting someone know your looking at them?! and plus, i've told myself i'm not going to become obsessive over this, so am i really going to be upset if he rejects me?
...yes. yes. thats what this entry is about. he hasn't looked at me... or at least i haven't caught him looking at me or felt him looking at me since that day. which was a week ago. and it makes me sad. and thats when i caught him with his female friend, or girlfriend, or guest-he-doesn't-know-and-she-was-asking-a-very-long-question.
GOD I HATE THIS FEELING! Why cant he just come over, and ask me out, or tell me he doesnt like me staring at me? it would just answer my "does-he-or-doesn't-he" question.
i hate crushes.
i'm not being obsessive.
i blame old best friend, because when i went to dinner with her the other day, i told her about Said Produce Guy, and she said "ooh! i'm so excited for you! if anyone deserves... happiness... it's you." and it make me really happy, and then instantly sad all in the same millisecond.
If things happened the way they happen in my overactive imagination... i'd be back by the trash compactor about to go to the bathroom in that restroom, and he'd be doing his normal produce routine back there, and he'd see me, and walk over and grab me and kiss me, smile and leave. it would kill like a million birds with one stone.
how do you get yourselves un-obsessed with someone? not that i'm obsessed with anyone... because i'm not. i'm not obsessed.
---------------
PEOPLE WE MET THIS ENTRY:
Ex-Pants: oh my, i'll never type that without that urge to giggle. Anyway, his history is short sweet and simple. he dated Old Best Friend. She broke up with him five years ago because he voluntarily de-panted himself at a sleepover party she was not present at. She was upset at his inappropriateness. He broke her heart. Recently, they've been talking on AIM a lot and they've been having a regular coffee date every sunday at noon. They've decided to take this slow, and gradulatly progress. According to Old Best Friend, he *really* likes her. this made her smile. I'm worried because he's going to New York for school in a year.
Mr. Produce Guy AKA Produce Guy AKA My Crush: He's cute, and he has been staring at me for the past month, and i think he may like me, but this whole entry was about how i'm not sure anymore because i'm getting paranoid, and obsessive.
Flirty Starbucks Girl: i like her a lot. She's really nice, and gives me free starbucks samples whenever she can, and sometimes... just sometimes... she'll even give me a free frappaccino. If i have a problem, she can tell and she'll want to know all about it, and will help me to the best of her ability. She lets me get away with stuff like eating one of donuts i'm about to throw away. She's really a sweetheart. She has this demeanor with guys where she doesn't realize that her behavior may be percieved as flirting. She is so friendly to the point that guys may think she's flirting with them. She has a boyfriend though. She's crazy about him too. She's the closest thing to a friend i have at Target.
BREAKING NEWS:
-->old best friend is back together with her ex boyfriend whom she broke up with because he was dared to take off his pants at a get-together she was not at. she thought that was inappropriate and not right of him to do, and so she broke up with him because he didn't see eye-to-eye with her. well, they're back together folks, and they are taking things slow, like having coffee together on sundays, and going to a movie once a week or so. nothing more. nothing less. i'm not sure what i think about it, but i'm always sketchy about two exes getting back together. i just feel like there's a reason they broke up... and that has to be taken into consideration. so, i'm playing the role of the concerned friend, though granted, i'll admit it, i'm not really that concerned. it's been 5 years since they broke up, and they are being very healthy about this relationship and not jumping off the deep end. i think everything will be fine for now. Should anymore updates with said ex-boyfriend come up, i'll call him... ... ...i dont know, everything i come up with makes me giggle because the only characteristic i know of that separates him from everyone else is his "pant down" incident, so i was thinking of calling him "pants down ex" but that just makes me giggle. and so does "Ex-Pants" and so does "Panty Ex" and just about anything with the word "pants" makes me giggle. why is "pants" such a funny word? thats a question for another time... for right now i'm calling him "Ex-Pants" (giggle)
-->ex-best friend has FINALLY gotten the hint that maybe i'm not a good friend, and she is now backing off, but i feel like shit for not telling her straight up that we're through. its just... it's been so nice without her lately... and the thought of her just brings stress to my mind... so since she's gotten the hint, i guess i just dont feel so bad anymore? i dont know. i just want it over, and just the thought of her gives me stress. i'll figure it out later. in the meantime, we've finally cut ties, and she thinks she's the one holding the scissors... even though it's not entirely true.
-->I'm debating whether or not to participate in Halloween this year, because, well, i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to, but i have absolutely no reason to. Our current neighborhood only gets 10 groups of kids coming to the door the entire night, so its kind of pointless to dress up when theres no one to entertain, and my mom thinks its silly, and i have no halloween parties to attend... ...but i REALLY REALLY REALLY want to dress up as Sydney Bristow with the flaming red hair! i mean, it's a simple costume to get on short notice, you just get a straight blonde wig that goes down to the shoulders, then you get the red dye from the store, and you dye the blonde wig, and then just wear a black long-sleeved, turtle-neck shirt, with black pants, black socks, black shoes, black gloves, black winter cap... BAM! Instant classic Sydney Bristow. easy squeezy lemon peasy. But i have no REASON to! i'm still debating.
--------------------
OK! on to the real point:
THE REAL POINT OF THIS ENTRY:
I hate having crushes. i hate the whole wishy nature of 'do-they-like-me?' 'do-i-like-them?' 'are-they-staring-at-me?' 'does-my-hair-look-ok?' 'am-i-becoming-obsessive?' 'is-that-his-girlfriend?' 'is-that-a-good-sign?' 'why-did-i-look-away?'... that whole nature. it sucks. it's exhausting. it makes me obsessive. and i dont want to be obsessive. i want to be cool. i want to be confident. i want him to come to me if he wants to. i dont want to put myself out there when there is no... "out there" because he has a girlfriend or something.
so, there's this guy who works at the produce section of Target (which is right infront of the bakery). he's kind of heavy, but hell, so am i. he has a nice face. it all started because i have an impeccable ability to know when someone is staring at me. i just know, and i know which direction its coming at, so i can pinpoint who it is in two seconds flat. Needless to say, about a month ago or so, i felt someone stare at me, and i pinpointed Mr. Produce guy. I dont come to conclusions about people staring at me right away, because... hell, i'm kind of a people watcher myself, so i dont think of anything except for... "what am i doing thats causing him to stare at me?" and i figured it was the ridiculous hat that the bakery requires us to wear. i dont do hats. at all. and i reallllly dont do the bakery hat. so, i figured thats what he was looking at. but i felt his stare several different times the whole day. so i started to get curious, but not coming to conclusions.
Then the next time we were working, he was staring at me again. so, then i started staring back... because... well, i was coming to conclusions. "coming to conclusions." So, then i started staring at him so that i could make sure he was really staring at me, or if i'm just insanely paranoid. because, well, i am. And there were several times when he would look at me, so i... concluded. I concluded that he must like me. So i continued to stare at him, because, i was starting to like him too. (its kind of scary how i can grow on a person because i think they might like me... does that make my standards low? or does that just make me desperate? eek!)
I was afraid the whole time that this other produce guy whose one of those guys who isn't afraid to say whats on his mind, will come up to me and say "you can stop staring at him."
"i dont know what your talking about," i'll say.
"you keep staring at him... he doesn't like you like that."
and i'll go all wide-eyed and say "whoa... he's the one whose staring at me!"
he'll smirk and say "sure he is." and walk away.
i have an active imagination. even at the age of 20.
Anyway, these days he stares at me less and less. then the other day i saw him talking with... who i thought at first was a guest... but because now i find myself staring at him, i concluded that they might know each other, and they might be friends... and it was a girl... so... i got worried. and i thought i heard something about him having a girlfriend... but i dont know, it could've been another person they were talking about...
but there was this one time when he came back into the bakery after we closed, and he was going to help us with the trash, and he kept looking at me as he was talking even though he was mostly talking with the Starbucks girl. He and the Starbucks girl are friends. I'm going to call her Flirty Starbucks Girl. I like Flirty Starbucks Girl. She's a sweetheart, and is truely kind and generous... but she's one of those people who you could easily mistake her friendliness with flirting... if your a guy, that is. She has a lot of guys who hit on her because of this friendly flirting. So, i'm also afraid that he likes her, even though she has a boyfriend.
i'm crazy paranoid sometimes.
another time we were talking about one of our co-workers who is about to get engaged, and he came up beside me and joined into our conversation, but i wasn't sure if he just wanted to talk to Flirty Starbucks Girl or if... he... wanted... to be... near... me... i come up with so may conclusions.
My favorite moment though... i was helping a customer, i think i was getting a kid a free cookie, so i looked down so i could find the cookies, and as i was looking up i could see someone was infront of me on the other side of the counter, and i knew it was a produce guy, but it wasnt until i looked at his face did i know it was him... so i said "oh!! hello" and i smiled afterward too. He looked guffawed. Like he was just as nervous and confused on what to do as i was, but he couldn't get any words out, so he nodded his head, and walked away. Thats a good sign isn't it?
I feel stupid though, because last week he came up to he bakery department because one of the other Starbucks girls was over here sneaking a kids cookie, and he wanted one, so she went to get him one, and i saw him look at me. My knee-jerk reaction to that unexpected glance is to look away. So i looked away and continued working. Then i beated myself up over that, because... well, what the hell is wrong with letting someone know your looking at them?! and plus, i've told myself i'm not going to become obsessive over this, so am i really going to be upset if he rejects me?
...yes. yes. thats what this entry is about. he hasn't looked at me... or at least i haven't caught him looking at me or felt him looking at me since that day. which was a week ago. and it makes me sad. and thats when i caught him with his female friend, or girlfriend, or guest-he-doesn't-know-and-she-was-asking-a-very-long-question.
GOD I HATE THIS FEELING! Why cant he just come over, and ask me out, or tell me he doesnt like me staring at me? it would just answer my "does-he-or-doesn't-he" question.
i hate crushes.
i'm not being obsessive.
i blame old best friend, because when i went to dinner with her the other day, i told her about Said Produce Guy, and she said "ooh! i'm so excited for you! if anyone deserves... happiness... it's you." and it make me really happy, and then instantly sad all in the same millisecond.
If things happened the way they happen in my overactive imagination... i'd be back by the trash compactor about to go to the bathroom in that restroom, and he'd be doing his normal produce routine back there, and he'd see me, and walk over and grab me and kiss me, smile and leave. it would kill like a million birds with one stone.
how do you get yourselves un-obsessed with someone? not that i'm obsessed with anyone... because i'm not. i'm not obsessed.
---------------
PEOPLE WE MET THIS ENTRY:
Ex-Pants: oh my, i'll never type that without that urge to giggle. Anyway, his history is short sweet and simple. he dated Old Best Friend. She broke up with him five years ago because he voluntarily de-panted himself at a sleepover party she was not present at. She was upset at his inappropriateness. He broke her heart. Recently, they've been talking on AIM a lot and they've been having a regular coffee date every sunday at noon. They've decided to take this slow, and gradulatly progress. According to Old Best Friend, he *really* likes her. this made her smile. I'm worried because he's going to New York for school in a year.
Mr. Produce Guy AKA Produce Guy AKA My Crush: He's cute, and he has been staring at me for the past month, and i think he may like me, but this whole entry was about how i'm not sure anymore because i'm getting paranoid, and obsessive.
Flirty Starbucks Girl: i like her a lot. She's really nice, and gives me free starbucks samples whenever she can, and sometimes... just sometimes... she'll even give me a free frappaccino. If i have a problem, she can tell and she'll want to know all about it, and will help me to the best of her ability. She lets me get away with stuff like eating one of donuts i'm about to throw away. She's really a sweetheart. She has this demeanor with guys where she doesn't realize that her behavior may be percieved as flirting. She is so friendly to the point that guys may think she's flirting with them. She has a boyfriend though. She's crazy about him too. She's the closest thing to a friend i have at Target.