I've been waiting for a miracle, and i'm not leaving.
things are hard in my household.
i dont want to go into a whole lot of details, mostly because i just dont have the energy, but one thing i want to make clear: my stepfather considers me a burden. He would never say such a thing (because he's such a saint!), but this is how he treats me when he's with my mother. He was chiding my mother the other day for "coddling me."
somehow this turned into mom screaming at my stepfather about how alone i am.
when mom was growing up, she had brothers who helped support her.
my stepfather had like a bajillion siblings who he could count on and learn from.
my cousins all have each other, and they have rich parents who dote on them.
i only have my mother.
My brother is younger and autistic. I've turned away from my real father, who is in Tarzana, CA. My uncles care about my well being, but they aren't exactly people i can turn to when something bad happens. I dont have that kind of relationship where i can ask to borrow money, or go ask for favors. I dont really have them for support. My cousins are all much older than me, and the majority of them have families and children. My brother and I are the youngest of all the cousins and the one who is the next closest to me is about four years older than me and married with a newborn baby. i dont have a serious relationship with a boyfriend... i dont have a friend who i rely on when i'm upset or sad. Old Best Friend tries, but i dont really trust her with my emotions. She can easily stomp on them and has before.
the only support i really have in this world is my mother.
this knowledge isn't exactly new to me, but i've allowed myself to suppress it and pretend like it's not really a true statement of fact, but today, it's all i can think about, and everytime i think it, my eyes well up with tears. I really dont have anyone other than my mom.
how did i let this happen to me, and how can i change it?
i dont want to go into a whole lot of details, mostly because i just dont have the energy, but one thing i want to make clear: my stepfather considers me a burden. He would never say such a thing (because he's such a saint!), but this is how he treats me when he's with my mother. He was chiding my mother the other day for "coddling me."
somehow this turned into mom screaming at my stepfather about how alone i am.
when mom was growing up, she had brothers who helped support her.
my stepfather had like a bajillion siblings who he could count on and learn from.
my cousins all have each other, and they have rich parents who dote on them.
i only have my mother.
My brother is younger and autistic. I've turned away from my real father, who is in Tarzana, CA. My uncles care about my well being, but they aren't exactly people i can turn to when something bad happens. I dont have that kind of relationship where i can ask to borrow money, or go ask for favors. I dont really have them for support. My cousins are all much older than me, and the majority of them have families and children. My brother and I are the youngest of all the cousins and the one who is the next closest to me is about four years older than me and married with a newborn baby. i dont have a serious relationship with a boyfriend... i dont have a friend who i rely on when i'm upset or sad. Old Best Friend tries, but i dont really trust her with my emotions. She can easily stomp on them and has before.
the only support i really have in this world is my mother.
this knowledge isn't exactly new to me, but i've allowed myself to suppress it and pretend like it's not really a true statement of fact, but today, it's all i can think about, and everytime i think it, my eyes well up with tears. I really dont have anyone other than my mom.
how did i let this happen to me, and how can i change it?