Gliding in
And now for something sombre.
My chemotherapy treatment is at an end.
The side effects are horrrible. While it gives me improved longevity, it's not giving me good quality of life. All kinds of small things are horrible on it, and added together? Yuck.
So. Do the doctors have any other treatments for me? No. Well yes.. but they have a less than 10% of affecting the tumours in any way, and all have their own set of side effects. With bone marrow involvement, it's not so great.
On Monday, I realised that the thought of doing chemo on Wednesday (today) was too much.
I spoke to both my doctors yesterday, Dr D and Dr G, and told them this. They agreed that yes, there wasn't anything left to try and yes, the side effects are outweighing the benefits and they support my decision.
What this means is that I will gradually decline. I have between three weeks and 10 weeks left. It's hard to know how well I'll be during these. On Tuesday next week, I meet with the palliative care team and set up some options for pain relief, a bed downstairs, and possibly a bed in the hospice as well. I would rather die at home, but it may not be physically possible since the nursing care required is quite intensive.
Either way.. I'm now in the End Game.
But this is what is. This is what I have, and I will make the most of what time there is left, hanging out with my besties. I have tickets for the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra next week, playing Mahler's 1st symphony, and if you haven't heard that before make sure you do.. so full of happiness and joy! They are one of the best orchestras in the world, if not THE best, and I've never heard them.
But I won't be doing the Antarctica trip I'd hoped to do (a flyover on New Year's Eve). I couldn't actually manage it now, and it's 7 weeks away, past any hope of having travel ability left. I'm disappointed of course, but you know? You could just keep setting new things a month or two ahead, and eventually one of them will be the last thing. In my case it will be the concert.
And then I can just settle down for the glide, however fast or slow that turns out to be.
I may or may not be up for visitors or phone calls. Mostly not, really. I tend to run out of energy for chatting very quickly and, not surprisingly really, have lost interest in most of the doings of the wider world. So if I don't call you back, or Julian takes my calls for me, that's why. Don't take it personally.
Do send me emails though, if you feel you'd like to.
Don't argue with me please. Don't tell me to "hope" or think positive or be strong - it's the end and I am accepting this. Oh, not easy. NOT EASY. Many tears, many struggles to understand, many sad thoughts of what might have been, and so forth, are here.
But if you plan to talk to me about fighting on and being strong and so forth, please, respect my wishes and don't. The time for that has long since passed.