(no subject)

[alilnightmusic]

I like him. I really, really like him. And I don’t know what to do about it because I don’t think I’m ready for a boyfriend, and I know that he isn’t ready for a girlfriend. What we have is good and I don’t want to fuck it up by getting too attached. But what if by some crazy twist of fate this ends up being more than just a fling? Then what happens? Where do you draw the line between hookup and boyfriend? And it would make it a hell of a lot easier for me to not get attached if he didn’t act like he was my boyfriend rather than just a friend with benefits. It was easy with the other guys, but with him it’s different. It’s so easy to just be myself with him. There’s never any pressure or expectation. It’s just us and I really like that. I really hope that I don’t fuck things up with him. Although, I do have a tendency to mess things up when it comes to guys, so to do so would only be fitting for me. I want to be with him, but I don’t want to get too attached. I’m so terrified of screwing things up when we talk online, but when I’m with him in person I don’t worry at all. It’s so weird. Maybe I’m just screwed up, I don’t know. What I do know is that I like him, and I want to be with him. I like how it feels when he puts his arms around me, and when I sleep next to him at night. I feel safe with him. I haven’t felt like that since I was with Chris, in the early months of our relationship. I remember when he and I used to talk about getting engaged, and now I can’t even think about marriage in my near future. My relationship with him got absolutely destroyed because of problems on both sides. We jumped in way too fast and got in too deep. I don’t want to make the same mistake with Adam. I miss him a lot during the week. More and more, I find myself wanting him and wanting to be with him. Oh God, please tell me that I’m not falling for him. I can’t. I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. All I’m going to do is screw it up royally and I can’t accept that. I need to keep him a safe distance; otherwise I’m going to get hurt. Or worse, I’m going to hurt him. And I don’t think I could handle it if I was the one to hurt him. I couldn’t do that to him, and I don’t want to risk it.

Jesus… I just don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.