I Will Not Say Goodbye
When Danny Gokey's CD first came out I knew I was going to buy it and I knew I was going to get made fun of for buying it, but I didn't care. After a single time listening through the album I had a favorite song, a song that is both beautifully sung and amazingly emotionally powerful. The song "I Will Not Say Goodbye" has always been my favorite song on the album, and has always meant a lot to me, but never more-so than the past month.
Back in middle school and high school there was a four year span where I lost someone close to me every year; my paternal grandmother, my maternal grandfather, a friend of the family and a childhood best friend. My grandparents' deaths were both expected; they were old and both very ill. Emily, a close friend of the family, died of breast cancer, and, though we'd hoped she would recover, we weren't entirely surprised by her death - the hardest part of losing her was the fact that she was 39. Junior year of high school my childhood best friend died in a car wreck, she was 18 and set to attend Yale. While tragic, I hadn't spoken to Laura in years so it was somewhat disconnected from my life and a lot easier to deal with than I'd like to admit.
Anyway, the point is that I knew what the song was talking about, that when you lose someone you don't want to not remember them, and you don't want to feel better because feeling better means you're moving on and, well, it's easy to feel guilty about moving on with your life when your loved one can't. As the line "I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place" describes, there are certain places that will always make me remember those I've lost.
About a month ago, however, the song took on a whole new meaning for me. As previously mentioned in this journal, my friend Matt Beiter was killed in a car wreck on May 16th. He was 19 years old and so full of life and joy that at first I wasn't even sure if he could die. Our friend Dan called me to let me know about Beiter's death and I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut - the room was spinning and I didn't understand how this could possibly have happened. A week later his funeral was held at the big catholic church down the street from my house. The entire church was filled with people who loved Beiter, with people who Beiter loved.
When I was leaving the church I put on my iPod for the short drive back to Beiter's house. As I pulled out of the parking lot Danny's "I Will Not Say Goodbye" came on the shuffle and I had to pull over because I started crying so hard. The song expressed everything that I was feeling and thinking, it was the perfect song for the moment. When the song ended I paused my iPod, took a deep breath and waited a moment to pull myself together before finishing the drive.
I listened to that song on repeat when I got home for 4 hours, and then repeatedly over the next few days.
Yesterday, June 20th, 2010, would've been Beiter's 20th birthday.
Matthew Raymond Beiter (June 20th, 1990 - May 16th, 2010 ) with Danny Gokey
Back in middle school and high school there was a four year span where I lost someone close to me every year; my paternal grandmother, my maternal grandfather, a friend of the family and a childhood best friend. My grandparents' deaths were both expected; they were old and both very ill. Emily, a close friend of the family, died of breast cancer, and, though we'd hoped she would recover, we weren't entirely surprised by her death - the hardest part of losing her was the fact that she was 39. Junior year of high school my childhood best friend died in a car wreck, she was 18 and set to attend Yale. While tragic, I hadn't spoken to Laura in years so it was somewhat disconnected from my life and a lot easier to deal with than I'd like to admit.
Anyway, the point is that I knew what the song was talking about, that when you lose someone you don't want to not remember them, and you don't want to feel better because feeling better means you're moving on and, well, it's easy to feel guilty about moving on with your life when your loved one can't. As the line "I will always see your face in the shadows of this haunted place" describes, there are certain places that will always make me remember those I've lost.
About a month ago, however, the song took on a whole new meaning for me. As previously mentioned in this journal, my friend Matt Beiter was killed in a car wreck on May 16th. He was 19 years old and so full of life and joy that at first I wasn't even sure if he could die. Our friend Dan called me to let me know about Beiter's death and I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut - the room was spinning and I didn't understand how this could possibly have happened. A week later his funeral was held at the big catholic church down the street from my house. The entire church was filled with people who loved Beiter, with people who Beiter loved.
When I was leaving the church I put on my iPod for the short drive back to Beiter's house. As I pulled out of the parking lot Danny's "I Will Not Say Goodbye" came on the shuffle and I had to pull over because I started crying so hard. The song expressed everything that I was feeling and thinking, it was the perfect song for the moment. When the song ended I paused my iPod, took a deep breath and waited a moment to pull myself together before finishing the drive.
I listened to that song on repeat when I got home for 4 hours, and then repeatedly over the next few days.
Yesterday, June 20th, 2010, would've been Beiter's 20th birthday.
Matthew Raymond Beiter (June 20th, 1990 - May 16th, 2010 ) with Danny Gokey