(no subject)
i feel far far away.
maybe because its my first day back in the office from a solid 7 day bout of the flu. maybe its because i still feel mono tired and cant really focus on anything. maybe its because i only left my house twice and only talked to a few people once besides brittany in the past week.
i dont know what it is but im feeling very seperated.
actually, after staring at my screen for 10 minutes just now and thinking about i think i do know why i feel this way. its not that im unhappy here, quite the contrary. other than this sick thing ive been doing really well. im very busy with a decent balance between work and social life. i have come to look forward to working at the lyric wednesday nights even though it automatically means an 18 hour day. ben and parker make me laugh so much and the people in my office are lovely too. i have collected random acquaintances and have a few people i could call up to fill a night if needed. i guess what im saying is that i have options, and i feel like i have a life now.
so why the disconnect?
maybe because i am developing this life or maybe because they are developing theirs, but i now have less contact than i have ever had with 'old' friends back home. ((in all of this, beebs is always an exception. she is one of the most loyal people i have ever known and we still talk almost every day. i cant believe we are still as close as we are; she means a ton to me)) when youve been gone from somewhere as long as i have been from iowa, the random friendships fade away and the solid ones will stay forever. thats part of it though- they will stay forever, no matter what happens in between now and then. i am so close with matt and scott that i know 20 years down the road i will be able to call them up for coffee and it would be a great conversation. (even though that coffee might require a 3 hour flight first) however, right now- they are busy with their lives and i am busy with mine. we don't communicate. they have no idea that i went to the hospital a couple of days ago- they have no idea what is going on with my job or the fact that im going on a third date with a guy im not crazy about. they know nothing about my life- and i know little about theirs. the difference is, i would love this information from them, in any way shape or form. i would love to know how they are doing and i would love it if they could do the phone thing like beebs can. but they are not those type of people. im a firm believer in making things a priority and following through on those priorities. i tend to put people first and this can be good or bad for me. for instance, if i felt like it was ok and that i wasnt bothering them i would call scott and matt all the time when i want to tell them something or know how theyre doing. does this mean i am never going to fully let go? do i need to let go? i feel like i can still move on here and be strongly connected but im not sure if its possible yet.
the bottom line should probably be that if it doesnt matter to them then it shouldnt matter to me. why do i always seem to care more about the relationships i am in than the other people? you'd think i would have learned that lesson by now....
anyway. im rambling. i guess because i am still in transition from having my new friends here become old ones and having little contact with the old friends i do love dearly i am feeling misunderstood and a bit forgotten. i think its human nature to need people to understand you, to get who you are, or at least to listen to you. i still find myself apologizing to people a lot for little things about who i am; it takes me so long to believe that they are not judging me for every little thing. i miss being myself completely.
i always become pensive when im sick; all activity needs to go to the brain when your body cant do anything.
sooo this all should pass soon. it will be back to busy and back to routine. except thats not the case at all. in 9 days my parents are coming out to visit/ski for a weekend. 4 days after they leave i go on the longest trip to sioux center iowa, des moines iowa, and then jamaica with the family. traveling always brings these thoughts to surface so i suppose i better just try to deal with them now; they're not going to be going away anytime soon.
maybe because its my first day back in the office from a solid 7 day bout of the flu. maybe its because i still feel mono tired and cant really focus on anything. maybe its because i only left my house twice and only talked to a few people once besides brittany in the past week.
i dont know what it is but im feeling very seperated.
actually, after staring at my screen for 10 minutes just now and thinking about i think i do know why i feel this way. its not that im unhappy here, quite the contrary. other than this sick thing ive been doing really well. im very busy with a decent balance between work and social life. i have come to look forward to working at the lyric wednesday nights even though it automatically means an 18 hour day. ben and parker make me laugh so much and the people in my office are lovely too. i have collected random acquaintances and have a few people i could call up to fill a night if needed. i guess what im saying is that i have options, and i feel like i have a life now.
so why the disconnect?
maybe because i am developing this life or maybe because they are developing theirs, but i now have less contact than i have ever had with 'old' friends back home. ((in all of this, beebs is always an exception. she is one of the most loyal people i have ever known and we still talk almost every day. i cant believe we are still as close as we are; she means a ton to me)) when youve been gone from somewhere as long as i have been from iowa, the random friendships fade away and the solid ones will stay forever. thats part of it though- they will stay forever, no matter what happens in between now and then. i am so close with matt and scott that i know 20 years down the road i will be able to call them up for coffee and it would be a great conversation. (even though that coffee might require a 3 hour flight first) however, right now- they are busy with their lives and i am busy with mine. we don't communicate. they have no idea that i went to the hospital a couple of days ago- they have no idea what is going on with my job or the fact that im going on a third date with a guy im not crazy about. they know nothing about my life- and i know little about theirs. the difference is, i would love this information from them, in any way shape or form. i would love to know how they are doing and i would love it if they could do the phone thing like beebs can. but they are not those type of people. im a firm believer in making things a priority and following through on those priorities. i tend to put people first and this can be good or bad for me. for instance, if i felt like it was ok and that i wasnt bothering them i would call scott and matt all the time when i want to tell them something or know how theyre doing. does this mean i am never going to fully let go? do i need to let go? i feel like i can still move on here and be strongly connected but im not sure if its possible yet.
the bottom line should probably be that if it doesnt matter to them then it shouldnt matter to me. why do i always seem to care more about the relationships i am in than the other people? you'd think i would have learned that lesson by now....
anyway. im rambling. i guess because i am still in transition from having my new friends here become old ones and having little contact with the old friends i do love dearly i am feeling misunderstood and a bit forgotten. i think its human nature to need people to understand you, to get who you are, or at least to listen to you. i still find myself apologizing to people a lot for little things about who i am; it takes me so long to believe that they are not judging me for every little thing. i miss being myself completely.
i always become pensive when im sick; all activity needs to go to the brain when your body cant do anything.
sooo this all should pass soon. it will be back to busy and back to routine. except thats not the case at all. in 9 days my parents are coming out to visit/ski for a weekend. 4 days after they leave i go on the longest trip to sioux center iowa, des moines iowa, and then jamaica with the family. traveling always brings these thoughts to surface so i suppose i better just try to deal with them now; they're not going to be going away anytime soon.