(no subject)

[aliisme]

I'm actually up before noon for the first time in a long time. I haven't posted or written in such a long time cause I felt I'd always write the same thing: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." I've been really depressed lately. I think some of the reoccurring depression is because we don't have the lake house anymore there's no place for me to go and feel at ease and forget my troubles anymore. I just feel like I'm going to explode. As much as I'd like to just go somewhere to relax, they're no place I can think of and I can't be well enough to get there! I hate talking to mom about it because it just makes her feel worse and there's nothing she can do all she can offer me is "things will be better when it's spring and we can get out." I never remind her that that's what she's been saying every winter for almost a decade. I have trouble talking to any of my friend about it, 'cause even though they'd be more than willing to listen there's only so many times I can say "I hurt and I'm tired all the time and I can't get out of the house therefore I seem to have no future." Crying just seems futile and I'm always afraid I'll start and not be able to stop. Plus after word I don't feel any better there isn't a 'release' anymore. I can't seem to do any activities that I used to enjoy. and I'm so sick of wasting my life away in front of the TV. I have a lot of good things in my life, but I'd like to be able and go out and live it.

I hate the fact that I'm so depressed and can't stop myself. I even manage to still see joy in the little things in my daily life (like the cat doing something cute) but it doesn't really help.
I'd like to just go somewhere, do something. I often have expectation when I wake up, "I know! I'll call ___ and we'll go to ___" but then I get up and start to hurt or I realize that my goal is unrealistic. I just am so frustrated I don't know what to do.