lost
so heres the story ...
once upon a time in a far off place i started going insane .. its like now days im not happy when i think im happy im just not.. i really honestly do not understand it .. i am in love and thats all that should matter .. but there are parts of me that would almost just like to have a stable well off life right now.. i know i really dont want that .. but i think i am just reaching this point in my life to where i cant sit around ne more.. i have to get out and do things and keep busy i feel like every day that passes is just wasted . no matter what im doing. i think it also might be this place that i live in it bugs the hell out of me . and i cant do anything to change it. nothing . i thought that if we hang in here it will get better but i just feel myself distancing myself from the others that live here ... and that makes me sad like at first BC was kool and now she just gets under my skin i think its mainly because i have a good 3 years and alot more life lived than her . but yet she knows everything... i mean everything. and she has to let you know it but whatever normally i can block that out. but now that everything is getting to me it gets harder and harder every day . the people here are nice to me but they treat chris like crap complete shit.. and i dont understand it .. i understand the attitude they have with him sometimes but all it does is put me in the middle ... hes mad at them they are mad at him and i am the peacemaker .. im so tired of it .. haha i think when we finally get our own place again .. the first night im there will be the best night ever. im so excited but its so far away .. and i cant find a job to save my life.. i know someone has to hire me ... they have to .. but ne ways..
my mom called and S talked to her alot they both agree that " i have alot of potential and i should be using it " so in other words they think i am wasting my time with chris i know it i know my mother and S almost said something like that to me one day ... it really upsets me. my mom should know that once i make a choice ive made it and all she can do is deal with it ... but she doesnt she likes to push me.. which i also dont understand.i want to cry right now and just let everything out. but tears wont come.. they are dried up and thats what really scares me... i have no ambition for life anymore. nothing. im happy half the day and then .. bam .. it goes away . when i sit and think of all the debt i have and all the mistakes i have to correct it makes me want to kill myself.. even though i could never bring myself to it.. but i just dont think ill ever be good at life and all i really ever wanted was a stable good life.. not fame and riches just to have a good job and be well off and not have to worry about bills and shit like that... but i dont think thats gonna happen i think imma struggle my whole life..
college
i want to go back so bad. for what i dont know. i cant make up my mind. im boggled. i also dont know where i want to go. its like everyday that goes by i lose more and more faith in myself i feel like a big fat loser ... i really do .. when i see people around they are all like "hay ! where have you been school " and im just like no .. nowhere .. ive been absolutely no where .. so i have also realized i have absolutley no hobbies or intrest ne more. i dont read i dont write i dont draw or sing or dance.. i feel uncomfortable dancing now.. something i used to live on .. haha .. dancing.. i dont spin. im not naturally happy and the more i think about it im honestly not to sure i was ever really happy in the first place. the thing that scares me the most is when i was reading about alot of mental dissorders i totally fit the profile and i have no emotions .. and if i feel one coming on .. i block it out.. that is not normal. it really bugs me. its helpful sometimes.. but i dont allow myself to feel. just to be numb. i want to fuckin cry so goddamn bad. i think i would feel a lil better if i could..
i feel dumb
and hated
and useless
and no good
overrated
i feel like i am a joke..
even though im not pregant or married ..
i have no real friends anymore. which means i never really had real friends.. cause i still to this day have not met someone who is here with me through everything.. they all just duck out... and it really sucks.. i have chris and tahts all i really need i guess.. but i miss having a best friend .. and when i talk to my old bestfriends its so akward.. i have no idea what to say .. oh hay whats up im a big fat loser now.. what are you doin .. oh look u got a new car ooo and u graduated.. college!@ wow.. oh and your gettin married to someone who has money.. ... i have nothing. i really honestly dont even know why i havent killed myself yet. i should just get it over with but im too much of a pussy to do anything self inflicted .. soo ... i cryed for a minute.. but i want it all out.. i just want to cry it away .. its healthy but i cant fuckin do it.. goddamnit.fuckin shit. hah a.. i want chris to hold me right now.. but he unfortunatly is fast asleep thanks to quietimes and good sex.. but for now i shall go .. i will be writing more and more.. maybe this will ease my soul just a tad. i wish there was someone to read this .. that wouldnt just tell me oh no your not.. blah blah blah .. but there isnt.. everyone i know would just lie to me.. and pretend to care. i feel like im in the matrix. i dont know reality from fiction. everything is way to crazy.
i need a job hopefully tommorow will be good
ill keep my head up
as well as my hopes
and a smile on my face
without smiles the world would be a dark place
and even if its fake
it might make someones day. but i doubt it
thats all for tonigh folks,,
ali
once upon a time in a far off place i started going insane .. its like now days im not happy when i think im happy im just not.. i really honestly do not understand it .. i am in love and thats all that should matter .. but there are parts of me that would almost just like to have a stable well off life right now.. i know i really dont want that .. but i think i am just reaching this point in my life to where i cant sit around ne more.. i have to get out and do things and keep busy i feel like every day that passes is just wasted . no matter what im doing. i think it also might be this place that i live in it bugs the hell out of me . and i cant do anything to change it. nothing . i thought that if we hang in here it will get better but i just feel myself distancing myself from the others that live here ... and that makes me sad like at first BC was kool and now she just gets under my skin i think its mainly because i have a good 3 years and alot more life lived than her . but yet she knows everything... i mean everything. and she has to let you know it but whatever normally i can block that out. but now that everything is getting to me it gets harder and harder every day . the people here are nice to me but they treat chris like crap complete shit.. and i dont understand it .. i understand the attitude they have with him sometimes but all it does is put me in the middle ... hes mad at them they are mad at him and i am the peacemaker .. im so tired of it .. haha i think when we finally get our own place again .. the first night im there will be the best night ever. im so excited but its so far away .. and i cant find a job to save my life.. i know someone has to hire me ... they have to .. but ne ways..
my mom called and S talked to her alot they both agree that " i have alot of potential and i should be using it " so in other words they think i am wasting my time with chris i know it i know my mother and S almost said something like that to me one day ... it really upsets me. my mom should know that once i make a choice ive made it and all she can do is deal with it ... but she doesnt she likes to push me.. which i also dont understand.i want to cry right now and just let everything out. but tears wont come.. they are dried up and thats what really scares me... i have no ambition for life anymore. nothing. im happy half the day and then .. bam .. it goes away . when i sit and think of all the debt i have and all the mistakes i have to correct it makes me want to kill myself.. even though i could never bring myself to it.. but i just dont think ill ever be good at life and all i really ever wanted was a stable good life.. not fame and riches just to have a good job and be well off and not have to worry about bills and shit like that... but i dont think thats gonna happen i think imma struggle my whole life..
college
i want to go back so bad. for what i dont know. i cant make up my mind. im boggled. i also dont know where i want to go. its like everyday that goes by i lose more and more faith in myself i feel like a big fat loser ... i really do .. when i see people around they are all like "hay ! where have you been school " and im just like no .. nowhere .. ive been absolutely no where .. so i have also realized i have absolutley no hobbies or intrest ne more. i dont read i dont write i dont draw or sing or dance.. i feel uncomfortable dancing now.. something i used to live on .. haha .. dancing.. i dont spin. im not naturally happy and the more i think about it im honestly not to sure i was ever really happy in the first place. the thing that scares me the most is when i was reading about alot of mental dissorders i totally fit the profile and i have no emotions .. and if i feel one coming on .. i block it out.. that is not normal. it really bugs me. its helpful sometimes.. but i dont allow myself to feel. just to be numb. i want to fuckin cry so goddamn bad. i think i would feel a lil better if i could..
i feel dumb
and hated
and useless
and no good
overrated
i feel like i am a joke..
even though im not pregant or married ..
i have no real friends anymore. which means i never really had real friends.. cause i still to this day have not met someone who is here with me through everything.. they all just duck out... and it really sucks.. i have chris and tahts all i really need i guess.. but i miss having a best friend .. and when i talk to my old bestfriends its so akward.. i have no idea what to say .. oh hay whats up im a big fat loser now.. what are you doin .. oh look u got a new car ooo and u graduated.. college!@ wow.. oh and your gettin married to someone who has money.. ... i have nothing. i really honestly dont even know why i havent killed myself yet. i should just get it over with but im too much of a pussy to do anything self inflicted .. soo ... i cryed for a minute.. but i want it all out.. i just want to cry it away .. its healthy but i cant fuckin do it.. goddamnit.fuckin shit. hah a.. i want chris to hold me right now.. but he unfortunatly is fast asleep thanks to quietimes and good sex.. but for now i shall go .. i will be writing more and more.. maybe this will ease my soul just a tad. i wish there was someone to read this .. that wouldnt just tell me oh no your not.. blah blah blah .. but there isnt.. everyone i know would just lie to me.. and pretend to care. i feel like im in the matrix. i dont know reality from fiction. everything is way to crazy.
i need a job hopefully tommorow will be good
ill keep my head up
as well as my hopes
and a smile on my face
without smiles the world would be a dark place
and even if its fake
it might make someones day. but i doubt it
thats all for tonigh folks,,
ali