(no subject)
I hate how I am in a constant battle with myself. Do I walk away after so long or do I try to deal with the fact that he does want to be friends. I've forgiven him for what has happened, because thats how I am. As much as I wish I could hate him and walk away.. I just can't. That doesn't mean that I think what he did was okay, because it wasn't. I have forgiven him the best I can, I have not forgot. He is so keen on being my friend that it's fucking me up. I have told him constantly that we can't be friends because it's impossible to be friends with someone you are in love with. He tells me that he doesn't care if I want to be his friend but he's going to do everything in his power to keep me in his life. Why is he holding on? He's holding on now that I need to let go. I wish that he never wanted to speak to me again because then I would have that reassurance of it being over forever. I am lost inside myself. Everyone can tell me that he's an asshole and to never talk to him again but that seems impossible. I don't understand what he is doing to me, or to himself. He has a "girlfriend", says its nothing serious. How can you be with someone after ending 2 years of something with someone else 2 days before? Why now does he want to be my friend, now that I am done. I tried for 5 fucking months to make things okay and he treated me like shit. Now that I am finally strong enough to walk away, he realizes it. He wants to hang out and he wants things to be okay. THINGS ARE NOT OKAY. I see him and when I leave, I cry. I cry because I can't have him, I cry because I love him and I cry because I want him to need me. I ache for him more then I have before. It's a sick power struggle to prove to one another that we are okay. I was strong, I wanted to hate him, I was ready to walk away. I am now crumbling... I am weak. I never knew it was possible to love someone so much, to need to see someone, too need the comfort of someone's touch. I feel like an idiot.. I failed at a relationship. I failed. After everything that I did for him, he ended up leaving me. I never ever thought he would leave, I never thought that this person that was so crazy about me could just walk away. I need him to let go of me, I need him to let me let go of him. BAAH!