(no subject)
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: RED......Cherry; YELLOW.....Lemon; GREEN.....Lime; ORANGE..... Orange. Finally the professor gave them all HONEY Lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled..."Oh my God, they're ass holes!"
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said,"I can't live
with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the
witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor
said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll
say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you
marry me?"
"No!? she said.
He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So
he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!"
And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you . . .
NO! NO! NO!"
A man is at the supermarket when he notices that a rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my kids!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my bachelor party night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery, tied up my balls and stuck a cucumber up my a**!?" "No!!!" she replies coldly, "I'm your daughter's English teacher".
Detroit (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.......
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!"
After watching the Lions and Michigan lose this weekend, this was the best thing I could ever think of to post.
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said,"I can't live
with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the
witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor
said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll
say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you
marry me?"
"No!? she said.
He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So
he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!"
And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great!
But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you . . .
NO! NO! NO!"
A man is at the supermarket when he notices that a rather attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do I know you?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my kids!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on my bachelor party night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery, tied up my balls and stuck a cucumber up my a**!?" "No!!!" she replies coldly, "I'm your daughter's English teacher".
Detroit (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.......
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house!"
After watching the Lions and Michigan lose this weekend, this was the best thing I could ever think of to post.