trapped in cages, stumbling on lies
Title: trapped in cages, stumbling on lies
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 2,319
Summary: "I want you to love me like you see me." "And how's that?" "Like I'm broken."
Warnings: Possible triggers that aren't really triggers, hurt/pain/sadness and hints at fake!ot5
Dedication: Giving this to lifeisafantasy2 because I have been writing this while on the phone with her and she wants it right now.
Disclaimer: I assure you if One Direction belonged to me I'd be far too busy hanging with them to write fic.
Author Notes: I really have no idea what this is and it was not what I wanted it to be at all so I am so sorry for your eyes and brains ahead of time. All errors are my fault since this is unedited and makes no sense.
Things between them start to shift and change to the point that Louis doesn’t know how to handle them. He says nothing and just watches as Harry starts to fade from the person that he used to be and turns into someone that he’s not even sure he recognizes anymore. And the worst part about it is that there’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing he can do to keep the Harry that he loves.
And yet all Louis wants to do is hold him, to press him to his chest and keep him together by any means possible.
~
Harry curls up against Louis’s side and he lets out a breath of air against Louis’s ear, startling Louis awake. “What?’ he mumbles sleepily as he looks at Harry.
Harry just smiles at him. “I want you to love me,” he tells Louis quietly and Louis opens his eyes quickly, staring at Harry. He’s never been asked this before and Louis thought it was obvious by now that there’s no one else in his life who isn’t Harry. There’s no one he’d rather love than him.
“I do love you,” he tells Harry before leaning in to kiss Harry’s cheek. Harry pulls back before Louis can and Louis hesitates. “Harry?”
“No,” Harry replies, his voice sharp but hiding fear that Louis can sense from a mile away. He edges closer to Harry but once again Harry pulls back. “No, Louis. I want you to love me the way that you see me.”
Louis sighs and he places a hand on Harry’s knee, somewhat surprised that Harry doesn’t pull away from him instantly. “What do you mean, Harry?” His voice is soft, gentle, because he knows that if he speaks in any way that’s not this it’ll scare Harry off. That’s not something he can risk right now when Harry’s already acting strangely.
Harry stares at Louis but he really isn’t looking at him at all. His gaze is unfocused and Louis just wants to squeeze his leg, grab him by the arm, shake him until he actually says something because Louis is so scared that Harry’s going to say something that’ll break them apart for good.
Louis can’t have that.
“I want…” Harry falters and Louis very gently presses the pads of his fingers into Harry’s knee, trying to remind him that he’s there, that he’s willing to listen to him and love him no matter what words are exchanged.
“I want you to love me like you see me,” he whispers and this time Louis keeps his mouth shut so that Harry can finish. “I know how you look at me and I know you don’t love me the way that you look at me. Love me that way.” He pauses. “Like I’m broken.”
Louis says nothing because there’s nothing to say, there’s no words that can possibly be expressed to rectify the situation that he’s dug himself into. He just grabs onto Harry and pulls him close, hugging him tight so that he doesn’t lose him completely this time because Louis doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that right now he can’t lose Harry. Harry’s all he has.
~
They’re supposed to go back on tour again but Louis’s really not up to it. He’s noticed the way that Harry’s withdrawn himself from the rest of the band and he doesn’t like it at all. None of the others say anything about it so Louis’s not even sure that they’ve noticed but he has. He definitely has. It makes him want to grab one of them, he doesn’t care which one really, by the shoulders and shake them until they see how much Harry’s breaking with every touch.
It’s gotten to the point that Louis’s having trouble keeping food down over his anxiety towards how Harry’s acting. He has no idea how he’s managed to become so dependent on how Harry’s feeling or on Harry in general. Every time he even thinks about the current situation he’s stuck in his stomach lurches and he feels as if he’s about to be sick.
So that explains why he’s so sick all of a sudden and why he ends up with his head buried in the toilet bowl. Liam’s worried, but Liam lives in a constant state of worry so Louis thinks nothing of it. It’s somewhat of a relief to know that Zayn and Niall haven’t clued in on his anxiety yet and Harry…well Harry’s not even paying attention to Louis at this point and that’s driving Louis insane.
He’s getting thinner but that doesn’t matter. Not when Harry’s stopped talking to him except for when he needs to, when they have interviews or at concerts. The fans start to notice his weight loss but Louis just mumbles something about a stomach flu when it’s brought up and Zayn and Niall exchange worried looks.
Zayn’s the first one to approach him about it. “You need to eat, Lou,” he says and Louis just kind of brushes it off. It’s only when he comes in and mentions it a second time that Louis cracks under the pressure and he takes it out on Zayn.
“I am eating, alright? Now would you just leave me alone about it!”
Zayn backs away and Louis just knows that he fucked up. “I’m sorry,” he whispers and he edges closer to Zayn until Zayn pulls him close and hugs him.
“I’m just worried about you, Louis. We are all. You’re scaring us.” Louis presses his face into Zayn’s shoulder and he hesitates for a moment before he responds.
“Harry’s scaring me,” he whispers. He’s not sure if Zayn didn’t hear him or if he just has nothing to say but there is no response and Louis deflates a little at the knowledge that he really has no idea how to talk about this with anyone.
~
He’s turning skeletal.
Louis knows that this isn’t healthy but there’s nothing that he can do about it. It’s just that Harry…Harry… Louis’s losing him completely now and he doesn’t know how to get him back. Harry thinks that all Louis sees him as is broken and that’s not how Louis sees him at all.
He just doesn’t want to lose him.
Management’s trying to get him to leave the last few days of tour early so that he can get some help but there’s nothing wrong with Louis. He just hasn’t been eating as much, but at least he’s able to hold it down. The anxiety has settled down but that doesn’t mean it’s even close to gone and Louis feels like he’s falling more and more apart with every passing moment.
He feels like he can’t reach Harry anymore, like Harry isn’t even a person that belongs to him because he’s just stepped that far away from the spectrum of their attachment. Most nights he ends up curled up against his pillow, shaking and praying that Harry will crawl down into his bunk and curl up with him like they used to.
It’s not like they’ve broken up because Harry’s never even considered saying that they have and Louis knows he never, ever would let that happen, but they’re not who they used to be. They haven’t been for a long time and Louis constantly feels like he can’t breathe from the pain and misery that he’s lost in.
Niall’s got him in his arms right now and Louis doesn’t want to be confined like this but he has no motivation to move. “Louis.” Niall’s voice startles Louis out of his nightmare of a daydream and he shifts, looking up at Niall while trying to ignore that he feels tired, achy, cold.
“Yeah?” The way that Niall traces a finger over Louis’s cheekbone shows just how much it’s become prominent over the past few weeks and Louis wants to shudder away from the touch. He just doesn’t though because if he does it’ll just make that worried expression on Niall’s face even worse and Louis doesn’t want to see pain on the precious boy’s face.
“I’m worried about you,” he whispers and Louis knows. It only makes sense that Niall’s worried because Louis’s transformed so dramatically over these past few months and he doesn’t even know how to fix it. Instead he just curls up closer to Niall and sighs quietly. “I want you to get better, Louis.”
Louis hesitates before he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I don’t think I can, Niall,” he whispers in response and this time when he’s met with silence he knows it’s because Niall can’t possibly respond.
~
They’re barely even back home in London before Liam’s pushing him to the hospital and Louis just has no energy to fight. It feels like all of the energy and life has been drained from him and all he can think about is Harry, about how Harry hasn’t talked to him in days, about how Harry’s given up, how he’s done.
All he can think about is the way that Harry looked at him when they stepped off the plane. Like he was the broken one, but there was no love behind that expression. There was no love there anymore.
Liam’s got an arm wrapped tightly around Louis as they wait to be called so that they can see the doctor. Louis’s in a haze. He doesn’t want to think anymore and he definitely doesn’t want to live anymore. The Harry that he’s used to know, the Harry that he’s loved more than anyone and everyone he’s ever met, he’s gone. And nothing will replace the empty black hole where his heart used to be.
They’re called in and Louis pays absolutely no attention as Liam answers all of the doctor’s questions. He can’t even focus as he’s being inspected like a broken-down automobile rather than the person that he barely is anymore. Louis catches some conversation, little snippets and the doctor eventually lists off a medley of things that’s wrong with Louis but he’s too out of it to even try to pay attention.
It’s only when the doctor leaves and Liam starts to cry that Louis actually tunes back in to reality. Liam never cries, not in front of them at least. He’s always strong for them so that whenever they’re failing or need someone to talk to he’s there, even if it’s painful for him too. He’s the strong one and Louis’s made him cry.
“L-Liam?” Louis’s barely able to get it out and even when he does it sounds weak, pathetic; nothing like the person that the world once was able to call Louis Tomlinson. Liam swallows back whatever was left of the sniffle or sob or some sort of emotive upset noise that he was in the process of making and he grabs Louis’s hand so hard that he actually feels the grip this time. “Did…did I make you cry?”
Liam stands and he pulls Louis close, holding onto him so tightly that if Louis hadn’t sunk into Liam already he would’ve been pushed into him. Louis wonders if he’s now thin enough that he can just dissolve into Liam because Liam would protect him. Liam would keep him safe and whole which is better than Louis’s been able to do for himself recently. “No, Louis. No. We’re going to get you better, okay?”
Louis swallows and for the first time in a while he actually can feel his stomach growling, his dry throat begging for water. It’s like all of this neglected pain is finally coming back to hit him and he doesn’t want it to at all. “He’s really leaving, isn’t he?” Louis whispers and the way that Liam’s chest stops moving as if he’s holding a breath is answer enough. “For good?”
“I…” Liam sounds hesitant to respond to Louis and there’s a moment where everything just kind of stops before he manages a response. “Yeah, Louis. He’s gone…Harry packed up and left yesterday.”
“Oh…” It’s not like it was much of a surprise to Louis and yet the pain of it all still hits him all over again and he feels like he needs to double over and scream. If Liam wasn’t holding onto him and if he wasn’t too weak to do so he’d probably have already done it by now. “Liam?”
“Yeah, Louis?” Liam whispers and Louis can’t ignore the fact that he felt a hot drop of water hit the side of his face. He just doesn’t know if it’s Liam or him this time.
“Will I ever feel like I’m not broken again?”
The silence is overwhelming this time and Louis’s insides are twisting and churning inside of him. He wants to start thrashing and screaming and sobbing all at once but he stays perfectly still against Liam. He can’t find it in himself to let all of this pain and anger out if he can’t even tell that he’s crying at this point.
“I don’t know, Louis,” Liam finally responds. “But…but if anything, I know that we’re going to do our best to make you be you again.”
Louis nods and he closes his eyes before resting his head against Liam’s chest. Everything feels so final now because he knows that he’s lost him. He’s lost everything and yet he still can’t accept the fact that he has three perfect people in his life who’ve lost the same person, who are holding back their tears and pain so that they can make Louis whole again.
All he can see is that he’s lost Harry, that Harry’s not coming back to this time. There’s no way to pick up these pieces.
And yet the only words that he manages to utter are two small pleas, two tiny words that he’s needed to say to Liam since the day that they’ve met. “Thank you.”
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 2,319
Summary: "I want you to love me like you see me." "And how's that?" "Like I'm broken."
Warnings: Possible triggers that aren't really triggers, hurt/pain/sadness and hints at fake!ot5
Dedication: Giving this to lifeisafantasy2 because I have been writing this while on the phone with her and she wants it right now.
Disclaimer: I assure you if One Direction belonged to me I'd be far too busy hanging with them to write fic.
Author Notes: I really have no idea what this is and it was not what I wanted it to be at all so I am so sorry for your eyes and brains ahead of time. All errors are my fault since this is unedited and makes no sense.
Things between them start to shift and change to the point that Louis doesn’t know how to handle them. He says nothing and just watches as Harry starts to fade from the person that he used to be and turns into someone that he’s not even sure he recognizes anymore. And the worst part about it is that there’s nothing he can do. There’s nothing he can do to keep the Harry that he loves.
And yet all Louis wants to do is hold him, to press him to his chest and keep him together by any means possible.
~
Harry curls up against Louis’s side and he lets out a breath of air against Louis’s ear, startling Louis awake. “What?’ he mumbles sleepily as he looks at Harry.
Harry just smiles at him. “I want you to love me,” he tells Louis quietly and Louis opens his eyes quickly, staring at Harry. He’s never been asked this before and Louis thought it was obvious by now that there’s no one else in his life who isn’t Harry. There’s no one he’d rather love than him.
“I do love you,” he tells Harry before leaning in to kiss Harry’s cheek. Harry pulls back before Louis can and Louis hesitates. “Harry?”
“No,” Harry replies, his voice sharp but hiding fear that Louis can sense from a mile away. He edges closer to Harry but once again Harry pulls back. “No, Louis. I want you to love me the way that you see me.”
Louis sighs and he places a hand on Harry’s knee, somewhat surprised that Harry doesn’t pull away from him instantly. “What do you mean, Harry?” His voice is soft, gentle, because he knows that if he speaks in any way that’s not this it’ll scare Harry off. That’s not something he can risk right now when Harry’s already acting strangely.
Harry stares at Louis but he really isn’t looking at him at all. His gaze is unfocused and Louis just wants to squeeze his leg, grab him by the arm, shake him until he actually says something because Louis is so scared that Harry’s going to say something that’ll break them apart for good.
Louis can’t have that.
“I want…” Harry falters and Louis very gently presses the pads of his fingers into Harry’s knee, trying to remind him that he’s there, that he’s willing to listen to him and love him no matter what words are exchanged.
“I want you to love me like you see me,” he whispers and this time Louis keeps his mouth shut so that Harry can finish. “I know how you look at me and I know you don’t love me the way that you look at me. Love me that way.” He pauses. “Like I’m broken.”
Louis says nothing because there’s nothing to say, there’s no words that can possibly be expressed to rectify the situation that he’s dug himself into. He just grabs onto Harry and pulls him close, hugging him tight so that he doesn’t lose him completely this time because Louis doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that right now he can’t lose Harry. Harry’s all he has.
~
They’re supposed to go back on tour again but Louis’s really not up to it. He’s noticed the way that Harry’s withdrawn himself from the rest of the band and he doesn’t like it at all. None of the others say anything about it so Louis’s not even sure that they’ve noticed but he has. He definitely has. It makes him want to grab one of them, he doesn’t care which one really, by the shoulders and shake them until they see how much Harry’s breaking with every touch.
It’s gotten to the point that Louis’s having trouble keeping food down over his anxiety towards how Harry’s acting. He has no idea how he’s managed to become so dependent on how Harry’s feeling or on Harry in general. Every time he even thinks about the current situation he’s stuck in his stomach lurches and he feels as if he’s about to be sick.
So that explains why he’s so sick all of a sudden and why he ends up with his head buried in the toilet bowl. Liam’s worried, but Liam lives in a constant state of worry so Louis thinks nothing of it. It’s somewhat of a relief to know that Zayn and Niall haven’t clued in on his anxiety yet and Harry…well Harry’s not even paying attention to Louis at this point and that’s driving Louis insane.
He’s getting thinner but that doesn’t matter. Not when Harry’s stopped talking to him except for when he needs to, when they have interviews or at concerts. The fans start to notice his weight loss but Louis just mumbles something about a stomach flu when it’s brought up and Zayn and Niall exchange worried looks.
Zayn’s the first one to approach him about it. “You need to eat, Lou,” he says and Louis just kind of brushes it off. It’s only when he comes in and mentions it a second time that Louis cracks under the pressure and he takes it out on Zayn.
“I am eating, alright? Now would you just leave me alone about it!”
Zayn backs away and Louis just knows that he fucked up. “I’m sorry,” he whispers and he edges closer to Zayn until Zayn pulls him close and hugs him.
“I’m just worried about you, Louis. We are all. You’re scaring us.” Louis presses his face into Zayn’s shoulder and he hesitates for a moment before he responds.
“Harry’s scaring me,” he whispers. He’s not sure if Zayn didn’t hear him or if he just has nothing to say but there is no response and Louis deflates a little at the knowledge that he really has no idea how to talk about this with anyone.
~
He’s turning skeletal.
Louis knows that this isn’t healthy but there’s nothing that he can do about it. It’s just that Harry…Harry… Louis’s losing him completely now and he doesn’t know how to get him back. Harry thinks that all Louis sees him as is broken and that’s not how Louis sees him at all.
He just doesn’t want to lose him.
Management’s trying to get him to leave the last few days of tour early so that he can get some help but there’s nothing wrong with Louis. He just hasn’t been eating as much, but at least he’s able to hold it down. The anxiety has settled down but that doesn’t mean it’s even close to gone and Louis feels like he’s falling more and more apart with every passing moment.
He feels like he can’t reach Harry anymore, like Harry isn’t even a person that belongs to him because he’s just stepped that far away from the spectrum of their attachment. Most nights he ends up curled up against his pillow, shaking and praying that Harry will crawl down into his bunk and curl up with him like they used to.
It’s not like they’ve broken up because Harry’s never even considered saying that they have and Louis knows he never, ever would let that happen, but they’re not who they used to be. They haven’t been for a long time and Louis constantly feels like he can’t breathe from the pain and misery that he’s lost in.
Niall’s got him in his arms right now and Louis doesn’t want to be confined like this but he has no motivation to move. “Louis.” Niall’s voice startles Louis out of his nightmare of a daydream and he shifts, looking up at Niall while trying to ignore that he feels tired, achy, cold.
“Yeah?” The way that Niall traces a finger over Louis’s cheekbone shows just how much it’s become prominent over the past few weeks and Louis wants to shudder away from the touch. He just doesn’t though because if he does it’ll just make that worried expression on Niall’s face even worse and Louis doesn’t want to see pain on the precious boy’s face.
“I’m worried about you,” he whispers and Louis knows. It only makes sense that Niall’s worried because Louis’s transformed so dramatically over these past few months and he doesn’t even know how to fix it. Instead he just curls up closer to Niall and sighs quietly. “I want you to get better, Louis.”
Louis hesitates before he closes his eyes and shakes his head. “I don’t think I can, Niall,” he whispers in response and this time when he’s met with silence he knows it’s because Niall can’t possibly respond.
~
They’re barely even back home in London before Liam’s pushing him to the hospital and Louis just has no energy to fight. It feels like all of the energy and life has been drained from him and all he can think about is Harry, about how Harry hasn’t talked to him in days, about how Harry’s given up, how he’s done.
All he can think about is the way that Harry looked at him when they stepped off the plane. Like he was the broken one, but there was no love behind that expression. There was no love there anymore.
Liam’s got an arm wrapped tightly around Louis as they wait to be called so that they can see the doctor. Louis’s in a haze. He doesn’t want to think anymore and he definitely doesn’t want to live anymore. The Harry that he’s used to know, the Harry that he’s loved more than anyone and everyone he’s ever met, he’s gone. And nothing will replace the empty black hole where his heart used to be.
They’re called in and Louis pays absolutely no attention as Liam answers all of the doctor’s questions. He can’t even focus as he’s being inspected like a broken-down automobile rather than the person that he barely is anymore. Louis catches some conversation, little snippets and the doctor eventually lists off a medley of things that’s wrong with Louis but he’s too out of it to even try to pay attention.
It’s only when the doctor leaves and Liam starts to cry that Louis actually tunes back in to reality. Liam never cries, not in front of them at least. He’s always strong for them so that whenever they’re failing or need someone to talk to he’s there, even if it’s painful for him too. He’s the strong one and Louis’s made him cry.
“L-Liam?” Louis’s barely able to get it out and even when he does it sounds weak, pathetic; nothing like the person that the world once was able to call Louis Tomlinson. Liam swallows back whatever was left of the sniffle or sob or some sort of emotive upset noise that he was in the process of making and he grabs Louis’s hand so hard that he actually feels the grip this time. “Did…did I make you cry?”
Liam stands and he pulls Louis close, holding onto him so tightly that if Louis hadn’t sunk into Liam already he would’ve been pushed into him. Louis wonders if he’s now thin enough that he can just dissolve into Liam because Liam would protect him. Liam would keep him safe and whole which is better than Louis’s been able to do for himself recently. “No, Louis. No. We’re going to get you better, okay?”
Louis swallows and for the first time in a while he actually can feel his stomach growling, his dry throat begging for water. It’s like all of this neglected pain is finally coming back to hit him and he doesn’t want it to at all. “He’s really leaving, isn’t he?” Louis whispers and the way that Liam’s chest stops moving as if he’s holding a breath is answer enough. “For good?”
“I…” Liam sounds hesitant to respond to Louis and there’s a moment where everything just kind of stops before he manages a response. “Yeah, Louis. He’s gone…Harry packed up and left yesterday.”
“Oh…” It’s not like it was much of a surprise to Louis and yet the pain of it all still hits him all over again and he feels like he needs to double over and scream. If Liam wasn’t holding onto him and if he wasn’t too weak to do so he’d probably have already done it by now. “Liam?”
“Yeah, Louis?” Liam whispers and Louis can’t ignore the fact that he felt a hot drop of water hit the side of his face. He just doesn’t know if it’s Liam or him this time.
“Will I ever feel like I’m not broken again?”
The silence is overwhelming this time and Louis’s insides are twisting and churning inside of him. He wants to start thrashing and screaming and sobbing all at once but he stays perfectly still against Liam. He can’t find it in himself to let all of this pain and anger out if he can’t even tell that he’s crying at this point.
“I don’t know, Louis,” Liam finally responds. “But…but if anything, I know that we’re going to do our best to make you be you again.”
Louis nods and he closes his eyes before resting his head against Liam’s chest. Everything feels so final now because he knows that he’s lost him. He’s lost everything and yet he still can’t accept the fact that he has three perfect people in his life who’ve lost the same person, who are holding back their tears and pain so that they can make Louis whole again.
All he can see is that he’s lost Harry, that Harry’s not coming back to this time. There’s no way to pick up these pieces.
And yet the only words that he manages to utter are two small pleas, two tiny words that he’s needed to say to Liam since the day that they’ve met. “Thank you.”