i feel like drowning
Title: i feel like drowning
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles (One Direction)
Rating: General
Summary: It’s been a long time since Harry Styles has actually been himself. So long that he can’t even remember who Harry Styles was.
Warnings: Overwhelmingness, Tears, Angst
Dedication: getnothingdone for giving me the damn Jay Brannan addiction. I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE BE PROUD!
Disclaimer: If I owned One Direction I wouldn't be writing fic. I'd be making everything not be like this.
Author Notes: This is more or less all Meg's fault because she introduced me to Jay Brannan and I fell in love with Drowning. If you're not sure by now, the fic was inspired by the song and did not go the way that I'd intended it to at all so that's a positive and a negative in my eyes. I hope you enjoy it.
It hurts.
That’s all Harry can feel as he kneels on the tile of the bathroom floor, staring down at his hands. Everything just hurts so fucking much and some days it feels like he can’t breathe. He’s gotten to that point where he doesn’t know what to do about it anymore because while he knows how to smile and fake it for the press, every second he’s faking it, it kills him inside.
- - -
He thought it started with the relationship between him and Louis, but it’s gotten so much worse than that. It was simple, the little ways they used to lie and say there was nothing between them. Well, it was true for Louis. No matter what Harry did, Louis never saw him as more than a friend, and that was fine at the time for Harry. He was fine pining over Louis, watching him and just loving him secretly. He was honestly fine with just being Louis’s best mate.
Until Eleanor came into the picture.
- - -
Harry clenches his hands into fists, digging his nails into the soft flesh of his palms and almost hoping that he can draw blood. He wants this pain to become physical, to manifest itself in the form of something, anything. He just needs it to be real and not trapped inside of him so that he can feel like himself again.
It’s been a long time since Harry Styles has actually been himself. So long that he can’t even remember who Harry Styles was.
He needs to remember again.
- - -
Louis had said from the start that the thing with Eleanor wasn’t serious. “Oh she’s just a fit bird,” he’d tell Harry whenever they first started with their…whatever it was. Louis hadn’t put a name to it and Harry hoped he never did.
Of course it didn’t take long for Louis to come to Harry, grinning as he gushed to Harry that Eleanor had said yes and was now his girlfriend. Harry had been expecting the news and yet when it came, he felt like someone had torn him into shreds. He faked a smile and told Louis how happy he was for him, glad that the boy was too excited about his news to notice how it had broken Harry’s heart.
- - -
The knock on the door startles Harry but he’s frozen to the spot, curled up on the floor. Even if he wasn’t, he doesn’t want to answer the door. Whoever’s on the other side of the door wouldn’t be useful to him right now, especially if it was Louis.
Harry shudders and he finds himself with the sudden urge to grab a knife, not that there’s one in the bathroom, and cut himself to shreds. How is he supposed to handle all of this pain that’s swallowing him up? How is he supposed to handle the way his broken heart keeps managing to shatter every time Louis even mentions Eleanor. When she’s with him…He doesn’t even want to think about it.
- - -
The day that Louis said that he was in love with Eleanor, that was the day Harry completely forgot how to be himself. Until then, he’d still maintained some sense of himself, but when Louis grabbed onto him and gleefully told him that he was in love with Eleanor and that she was the one for him, the Harry that he once had been was completely gone.
It had been hard, faking that he was completely fine with it when every touch from Louis magnified the hurt and betrayal inside of him. Every time that Louis would pick Harry whenever it came to choosing one of the mates to be stuck with on an island or be with for a night or something, Harry struggled to maintain his persona. One Direction had been everything to him since they’d been put together and now he hated to even think that he had thoughts where he planned to leave the band because he couldn’t handle Louis anymore. He couldn’t take the way he was so carefree with his actions, not even thinking about Harry in the slightest.
- - -
“Harry? Open the door.” Of course it’s Liam coming to check up on him. Liam’s the fatherly figure of the band. He’s always the one that makes sure they’re alright when something bad happens, only something bad didn’t happen this time. Harry sums it up to Liam’s knowledge of how they act.
He can feel his control breaking as he listens to Liam knock on the door again. He wants that knife so badly. Maybe if he cuts all of these feelings out of his body he’ll be normal again. Harry wonders when he started finding the concept of self-harm so soothing. He’s clearly at the breaking point.
“I know how to pick the lock, Harry. Please just let me in…” Harry doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even try to. The blood is pounding in his ears and he finds himself so overwhelmed by this urge that he snaps, lunging forward and ripping his fingers from his palms. Everything fades away as he finds himself clawing at his arms with his nails, leaving trails of red as he desperately tries to break skin.
If he can just let himself feel some physical pain…if he can just let himself remember how to breathe then maybe he can handle this…
- - -
“Harry, I have something really important I need to talk to you about.” Harry glanced up from where he’d been trying to bury himself in his music to find Louis standing there, beaming like an idiot.
“What is it, Lou?” he asked softly, tugging out an earbud. “What’s up?”
Louis dropped down onto the couch next to him and he looked at Harry before beaming. “I talked to Eleanor.” Harry’s stomach dropped as she was inserted into the conversation. “We’ve been talking for quite a bit about this, actually.”
“What about?” Harry asked slowly, not sure that he wanted to know.
“Well…” Louis grinned. “Eleanor and I’ve been dating for a while, as you know.” Harry nodded weakly, chewing on his lip. “We’ve been talking about moving to a more serious point in our relationship.”
“Like…moving in together?” Harry asked slowly, fear radiating in him at the thought of Louis leaving their flat or asking Harry to move out. That was the absolute last thing he could handle right in the middle of their tour.
Louis shook his head. “Well we’ve been talking about that but we’re saving that for somewhere down the line when we’re not so busy.” He paused. “I love Eleanor, Harry. I love her so much and I don’t know what I’d do without her.” Harry struggled to keep his smile on his face as he felt like Louis was punching him in the gut. “I just…I want to marry her. And she said yes.”
Marriage? Harry struggled to keep from physically wincing at the news. This wasn’t just painful. No, this was absolutely heartbreaking and Harry couldn’t handle it. “That’s…” Harry paused, struggling to keep his voice light and pleasant. “That’s great, Louis. I’m happy for you…”
Louis beamed, utterly pleased. “We’re gonna wait a few years of course, but she wants to marry me, Harry. I’m so excited. I can’t believe she said yes!”
Harry struggled to find it in him to respond. Everything was crashing down on top of him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I’m happy for you,” he repeated before he stood up. “I…excuse me…”
“Harry?” But Harry didn’t catch Louis’s questioning response. He had already bolted out of the room, desperate to find anywhere but there to disappear into.
- - -
Harry doesn’t even hear the sound of the lock being picked. He’s so lost in trying to tear his arms apart that when Liam grabs him and forcefully holds his arms together, he’s caught in a moment of shock.
And then the shock turns to shouting.
“Let go! Get off of me let go!” Harry struggles against Liam’s grip but Liam refuses to let go, glad for once that he’s stronger than Harry is. “Get off of me!”
“No,” Liam responds, his voice just as soft and soothing as it is stern and powerful. It’s exactly what Harry needs and everything he doesn’t want to ever hear in that one little word and makes him stop in his tracks. He falls forward, limp as his head comes in contact with Liam’s shoulder. “Harry…”
Liam pulls Harry into his arms, cradling the clearly broken band mate in his arms as Harry starts to sob. He hasn’t cried like since his nan’s funeral when he was twelve but here he is, bursting into tears as he clings to Liam like he’s the one left in his life. “We’re going to find a way to make this better, Harry,” Liam whispers as he rubs Harry’s back, trying to soothe him whatever way he can.
But Harry knows that there’s no way to make it better. He knows that this feeling’s never going to go away, that every time he sees Louis, every time he touches him, it’s going to be just like this. Every time Louis says anything nice about Harry or even anything about Harry at all it’s going to break him down inside more and more, but he’ll have to just keep on living through it.
“I feel like I’m drowning, Liam,” he manages to choke out between broken sobs, his tears burning trails down his face. It doesn’t feel any better, crying, but he can’t stop now that he’s started.
“I know,” Liam responds softly. “I know it does.” He pulls Harry closer and kisses the top of the boy’s head as if it’ll make everything better. Harry chokes on a sob and he clings to Liam with everything he’s got, desperately trying to seek comfort in what he’s been given despite the fact that it’s not helping at all.
“It hurts, Liam. It hurts.”
Author: alifeofourown
Pairing: Louis Tomlinson/Harry Styles (One Direction)
Rating: General
Summary: It’s been a long time since Harry Styles has actually been himself. So long that he can’t even remember who Harry Styles was.
Warnings: Overwhelmingness, Tears, Angst
Dedication: getnothingdone for giving me the damn Jay Brannan addiction. I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE BE PROUD!
Disclaimer: If I owned One Direction I wouldn't be writing fic. I'd be making everything not be like this.
Author Notes: This is more or less all Meg's fault because she introduced me to Jay Brannan and I fell in love with Drowning. If you're not sure by now, the fic was inspired by the song and did not go the way that I'd intended it to at all so that's a positive and a negative in my eyes. I hope you enjoy it.
It hurts.
That’s all Harry can feel as he kneels on the tile of the bathroom floor, staring down at his hands. Everything just hurts so fucking much and some days it feels like he can’t breathe. He’s gotten to that point where he doesn’t know what to do about it anymore because while he knows how to smile and fake it for the press, every second he’s faking it, it kills him inside.
- - -
He thought it started with the relationship between him and Louis, but it’s gotten so much worse than that. It was simple, the little ways they used to lie and say there was nothing between them. Well, it was true for Louis. No matter what Harry did, Louis never saw him as more than a friend, and that was fine at the time for Harry. He was fine pining over Louis, watching him and just loving him secretly. He was honestly fine with just being Louis’s best mate.
Until Eleanor came into the picture.
- - -
Harry clenches his hands into fists, digging his nails into the soft flesh of his palms and almost hoping that he can draw blood. He wants this pain to become physical, to manifest itself in the form of something, anything. He just needs it to be real and not trapped inside of him so that he can feel like himself again.
It’s been a long time since Harry Styles has actually been himself. So long that he can’t even remember who Harry Styles was.
He needs to remember again.
- - -
Louis had said from the start that the thing with Eleanor wasn’t serious. “Oh she’s just a fit bird,” he’d tell Harry whenever they first started with their…whatever it was. Louis hadn’t put a name to it and Harry hoped he never did.
Of course it didn’t take long for Louis to come to Harry, grinning as he gushed to Harry that Eleanor had said yes and was now his girlfriend. Harry had been expecting the news and yet when it came, he felt like someone had torn him into shreds. He faked a smile and told Louis how happy he was for him, glad that the boy was too excited about his news to notice how it had broken Harry’s heart.
- - -
The knock on the door startles Harry but he’s frozen to the spot, curled up on the floor. Even if he wasn’t, he doesn’t want to answer the door. Whoever’s on the other side of the door wouldn’t be useful to him right now, especially if it was Louis.
Harry shudders and he finds himself with the sudden urge to grab a knife, not that there’s one in the bathroom, and cut himself to shreds. How is he supposed to handle all of this pain that’s swallowing him up? How is he supposed to handle the way his broken heart keeps managing to shatter every time Louis even mentions Eleanor. When she’s with him…He doesn’t even want to think about it.
- - -
The day that Louis said that he was in love with Eleanor, that was the day Harry completely forgot how to be himself. Until then, he’d still maintained some sense of himself, but when Louis grabbed onto him and gleefully told him that he was in love with Eleanor and that she was the one for him, the Harry that he once had been was completely gone.
It had been hard, faking that he was completely fine with it when every touch from Louis magnified the hurt and betrayal inside of him. Every time that Louis would pick Harry whenever it came to choosing one of the mates to be stuck with on an island or be with for a night or something, Harry struggled to maintain his persona. One Direction had been everything to him since they’d been put together and now he hated to even think that he had thoughts where he planned to leave the band because he couldn’t handle Louis anymore. He couldn’t take the way he was so carefree with his actions, not even thinking about Harry in the slightest.
- - -
“Harry? Open the door.” Of course it’s Liam coming to check up on him. Liam’s the fatherly figure of the band. He’s always the one that makes sure they’re alright when something bad happens, only something bad didn’t happen this time. Harry sums it up to Liam’s knowledge of how they act.
He can feel his control breaking as he listens to Liam knock on the door again. He wants that knife so badly. Maybe if he cuts all of these feelings out of his body he’ll be normal again. Harry wonders when he started finding the concept of self-harm so soothing. He’s clearly at the breaking point.
“I know how to pick the lock, Harry. Please just let me in…” Harry doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even try to. The blood is pounding in his ears and he finds himself so overwhelmed by this urge that he snaps, lunging forward and ripping his fingers from his palms. Everything fades away as he finds himself clawing at his arms with his nails, leaving trails of red as he desperately tries to break skin.
If he can just let himself feel some physical pain…if he can just let himself remember how to breathe then maybe he can handle this…
- - -
“Harry, I have something really important I need to talk to you about.” Harry glanced up from where he’d been trying to bury himself in his music to find Louis standing there, beaming like an idiot.
“What is it, Lou?” he asked softly, tugging out an earbud. “What’s up?”
Louis dropped down onto the couch next to him and he looked at Harry before beaming. “I talked to Eleanor.” Harry’s stomach dropped as she was inserted into the conversation. “We’ve been talking for quite a bit about this, actually.”
“What about?” Harry asked slowly, not sure that he wanted to know.
“Well…” Louis grinned. “Eleanor and I’ve been dating for a while, as you know.” Harry nodded weakly, chewing on his lip. “We’ve been talking about moving to a more serious point in our relationship.”
“Like…moving in together?” Harry asked slowly, fear radiating in him at the thought of Louis leaving their flat or asking Harry to move out. That was the absolute last thing he could handle right in the middle of their tour.
Louis shook his head. “Well we’ve been talking about that but we’re saving that for somewhere down the line when we’re not so busy.” He paused. “I love Eleanor, Harry. I love her so much and I don’t know what I’d do without her.” Harry struggled to keep his smile on his face as he felt like Louis was punching him in the gut. “I just…I want to marry her. And she said yes.”
Marriage? Harry struggled to keep from physically wincing at the news. This wasn’t just painful. No, this was absolutely heartbreaking and Harry couldn’t handle it. “That’s…” Harry paused, struggling to keep his voice light and pleasant. “That’s great, Louis. I’m happy for you…”
Louis beamed, utterly pleased. “We’re gonna wait a few years of course, but she wants to marry me, Harry. I’m so excited. I can’t believe she said yes!”
Harry struggled to find it in him to respond. Everything was crashing down on top of him and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I’m happy for you,” he repeated before he stood up. “I…excuse me…”
“Harry?” But Harry didn’t catch Louis’s questioning response. He had already bolted out of the room, desperate to find anywhere but there to disappear into.
- - -
Harry doesn’t even hear the sound of the lock being picked. He’s so lost in trying to tear his arms apart that when Liam grabs him and forcefully holds his arms together, he’s caught in a moment of shock.
And then the shock turns to shouting.
“Let go! Get off of me let go!” Harry struggles against Liam’s grip but Liam refuses to let go, glad for once that he’s stronger than Harry is. “Get off of me!”
“No,” Liam responds, his voice just as soft and soothing as it is stern and powerful. It’s exactly what Harry needs and everything he doesn’t want to ever hear in that one little word and makes him stop in his tracks. He falls forward, limp as his head comes in contact with Liam’s shoulder. “Harry…”
Liam pulls Harry into his arms, cradling the clearly broken band mate in his arms as Harry starts to sob. He hasn’t cried like since his nan’s funeral when he was twelve but here he is, bursting into tears as he clings to Liam like he’s the one left in his life. “We’re going to find a way to make this better, Harry,” Liam whispers as he rubs Harry’s back, trying to soothe him whatever way he can.
But Harry knows that there’s no way to make it better. He knows that this feeling’s never going to go away, that every time he sees Louis, every time he touches him, it’s going to be just like this. Every time Louis says anything nice about Harry or even anything about Harry at all it’s going to break him down inside more and more, but he’ll have to just keep on living through it.
“I feel like I’m drowning, Liam,” he manages to choke out between broken sobs, his tears burning trails down his face. It doesn’t feel any better, crying, but he can’t stop now that he’s started.
“I know,” Liam responds softly. “I know it does.” He pulls Harry closer and kisses the top of the boy’s head as if it’ll make everything better. Harry chokes on a sob and he clings to Liam with everything he’s got, desperately trying to seek comfort in what he’s been given despite the fact that it’s not helping at all.
“It hurts, Liam. It hurts.”