Platonic-Love
I find that I miss journalling. I tell myself that I don't think I have time for it .. but the truth is that I stopped making time for it. Started filling my days with endless nothings that compiled into blankness. Fell in with the rest of common society and subsisted on posting thoughts and moments in a few words on a fleeting page that is very difficult to track over any extended period of time.
Somehow, writing it down makes it more real even than well documentation with pictures. Keeps the memories stronger. I lost the trust in a more extended and open written word. Stopped believing I could do it and convinced myself that I didn't need to... I wrote little bits and it would be good enough.
Kageshien ended and I was just starting college. I joined a sorority that taught me a lot about life, and took a lot of my life as well. Lead the group, learned many skills, held it together with quite literally everything I had ... and it fell to shreds the minute I left. In the middle of all of this I think I see the moment when my social life, my meaningful relationships outside of Katie ... died. Completely.
I was preparing to go to India. It was a great adventure, a great challenge, and in fact was everything I hoped and feared it would be. I spent as much time as I could with Dayl ... she's been my favorite friend for such a long time. Weeks after I left for India Dayl left for grad school. I had been in only fleeting contact with Mandi and whatever we had left seemed to all but die... Kate surprise-moved while I was away. I cried so hard the day she posted that picture of her car attached to a uhaul. The shallow destructive people I lived with in Hyderabad didn't care to try and understand. These people were just about the last I had of strong emotional friendships. Katie became literally everything to me. I had nothing else to go back to. Dayl and I have always had an understanding, we get it, it's still there, its just ... maybe on hold? In intermission? I lost Mandi. I tried to keep Kate, but neither of us could hold on. Laura, we have an understanding too. Just never quite met up ... never quite found that same level of platonic love again.
There is a picture just days before I left for India of Dayl, Mandi, and me on my couch. The last time we were all together. It feels like it was the last time I really had friends. We knew there was an ending in that afternoon. We were calm and easy together.
I came home from India and dove severely into work, Phi Sigma Sigma, PCMA, work, school. I almost lost Katie, almost pushed her away. Tried too hard to make new connections. Had a breakdown ... in over my head and I knew it, tried my best not to show it. Whatever it took to become who I was meant to be, that was the aim. Fell apart. Took it easy. Stepped back, way back. Stopped trying for connections that would not come through. Stopped it all.
Left a terrible job for a great one at Southwest. Love my job. Love the people I work with. Might have found a friend or two. The job is so easy though. It's the easy and the cheap way out to stay put, but no need to look to hard to move. Good company. Great benefits. Structured raises, flexible schedule, and the freedom to travel and live almost anywhere in the country. Maybe someday I will find something with a little challenge.. something to make me feel that passion again in day to day living.
I am at a crossroads again, ready to wipe the slate clean and see what the new horizon brings. Transferring to Florida, Katie working for Disney. Leaving Denver just as Dayl might be returning, it tears me apart to think on it too hard. A new life. Moving changes so much. I can leave behind the people crowding up my view, minor acquaintances and those that I keep on my facebook list online just in case I actually see them in person ... I never do. Dig through. Find the people who really mean something. Wow, digging that deep, it was easy to keep the wedding guest list small. Ridding myself of almost everyone else. Starting over.
Maybe ... just maybe this time I will find that strong connection again. Maybe I can have easy, comfortable, reciprocated platonic-love. Maybe a real circle of friends. Maybe.
Huh. It just occurred to me that I am talking about finding true friendship the way so many talk about finding true love. Can't be fulfilled with just one or the other. I suppose a person needs both.
I'm not sure I know how to connect anymore. I've resigned myself to being shy. To never assuming easily that my presence is actually desired, might even be sought out in favor. So in that I am obviously not opening myself up for what I'm looking for.
Maybe around the next corner. Dive in there. Maybe I will find my people.
I miss you all so much.
Somehow, writing it down makes it more real even than well documentation with pictures. Keeps the memories stronger. I lost the trust in a more extended and open written word. Stopped believing I could do it and convinced myself that I didn't need to... I wrote little bits and it would be good enough.
Kageshien ended and I was just starting college. I joined a sorority that taught me a lot about life, and took a lot of my life as well. Lead the group, learned many skills, held it together with quite literally everything I had ... and it fell to shreds the minute I left. In the middle of all of this I think I see the moment when my social life, my meaningful relationships outside of Katie ... died. Completely.
I was preparing to go to India. It was a great adventure, a great challenge, and in fact was everything I hoped and feared it would be. I spent as much time as I could with Dayl ... she's been my favorite friend for such a long time. Weeks after I left for India Dayl left for grad school. I had been in only fleeting contact with Mandi and whatever we had left seemed to all but die... Kate surprise-moved while I was away. I cried so hard the day she posted that picture of her car attached to a uhaul. The shallow destructive people I lived with in Hyderabad didn't care to try and understand. These people were just about the last I had of strong emotional friendships. Katie became literally everything to me. I had nothing else to go back to. Dayl and I have always had an understanding, we get it, it's still there, its just ... maybe on hold? In intermission? I lost Mandi. I tried to keep Kate, but neither of us could hold on. Laura, we have an understanding too. Just never quite met up ... never quite found that same level of platonic love again.
There is a picture just days before I left for India of Dayl, Mandi, and me on my couch. The last time we were all together. It feels like it was the last time I really had friends. We knew there was an ending in that afternoon. We were calm and easy together.
I came home from India and dove severely into work, Phi Sigma Sigma, PCMA, work, school. I almost lost Katie, almost pushed her away. Tried too hard to make new connections. Had a breakdown ... in over my head and I knew it, tried my best not to show it. Whatever it took to become who I was meant to be, that was the aim. Fell apart. Took it easy. Stepped back, way back. Stopped trying for connections that would not come through. Stopped it all.
Left a terrible job for a great one at Southwest. Love my job. Love the people I work with. Might have found a friend or two. The job is so easy though. It's the easy and the cheap way out to stay put, but no need to look to hard to move. Good company. Great benefits. Structured raises, flexible schedule, and the freedom to travel and live almost anywhere in the country. Maybe someday I will find something with a little challenge.. something to make me feel that passion again in day to day living.
I am at a crossroads again, ready to wipe the slate clean and see what the new horizon brings. Transferring to Florida, Katie working for Disney. Leaving Denver just as Dayl might be returning, it tears me apart to think on it too hard. A new life. Moving changes so much. I can leave behind the people crowding up my view, minor acquaintances and those that I keep on my facebook list online just in case I actually see them in person ... I never do. Dig through. Find the people who really mean something. Wow, digging that deep, it was easy to keep the wedding guest list small. Ridding myself of almost everyone else. Starting over.
Maybe ... just maybe this time I will find that strong connection again. Maybe I can have easy, comfortable, reciprocated platonic-love. Maybe a real circle of friends. Maybe.
Huh. It just occurred to me that I am talking about finding true friendship the way so many talk about finding true love. Can't be fulfilled with just one or the other. I suppose a person needs both.
I'm not sure I know how to connect anymore. I've resigned myself to being shy. To never assuming easily that my presence is actually desired, might even be sought out in favor. So in that I am obviously not opening myself up for what I'm looking for.
Maybe around the next corner. Dive in there. Maybe I will find my people.
I miss you all so much.