In the lonely light of morning / In the wound that would not heal....
Jake broke up with me on April 29, 2010. A year and a day is the length of traditional formal mourning.
The year that's passed hasn't done anything to soften all the ways in which i feel like i failed, or to quiet all the voices in my head that say i'm not good enough, i fucked up, it's all my fault. It hasn't made the wanting stop, or pieced back together all the badly broken bits of my psyche.
It hasn't made me able to touch, or to be touched, without flinching.
It has, at least, given me enough perspective to see all the ways in which the relationship wasn't perfect -- because of course no relationship is perfect. It's let me remember and see the ways he WASN'T good for me, in among all the ways he WAS. It's been long enough that i can remind myself that both of us were responsible for various of the things that weren't right, that went badly.
But that doesn't really help very much.
I miss him. I miss his son. I miss the life i thought i had, the life where i was wanted and loved and at least usually happy. I miss the people i can't bear to face, because i feel like i deceived them into thinking i was a worthwhile human being. I miss having someone care where i am, what i'm doing. I miss being worth worrying about. I miss feeling like i'm worth ANYTHING at all.
Even when i talk to him -- which i do, not infrequently -- i miss him. And i feel hollow, and i can't stop wondering (for all that i know better) if he ever loved me.
By my own rules, i have to be done with mourning. I've been going through the motions of a life for a year and a day. So starting tomorrow, i'll try to pick up what's left of my actual life; i'll start making more of an effort to go places, do things, act like things matter. I'll see if i can bear to face the people i've been avoiding. I will try harder to remind myself that there are people who love me, and things i'm good at, and that i'm not so worthless as i am prone to believing. I'll try not to run away from the people who care about me.
But if i'm done with mourning, it'll still be a long time yet before i'm done with grieving.
Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know just right where they belong
Smears of face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd I'm all alone
No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a...
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
All the jagged edges disappear
Colors all look brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could...
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love?
-Nine Inch Nails, "All the Love in the World"
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The year that's passed hasn't done anything to soften all the ways in which i feel like i failed, or to quiet all the voices in my head that say i'm not good enough, i fucked up, it's all my fault. It hasn't made the wanting stop, or pieced back together all the badly broken bits of my psyche.
It hasn't made me able to touch, or to be touched, without flinching.
It has, at least, given me enough perspective to see all the ways in which the relationship wasn't perfect -- because of course no relationship is perfect. It's let me remember and see the ways he WASN'T good for me, in among all the ways he WAS. It's been long enough that i can remind myself that both of us were responsible for various of the things that weren't right, that went badly.
But that doesn't really help very much.
I miss him. I miss his son. I miss the life i thought i had, the life where i was wanted and loved and at least usually happy. I miss the people i can't bear to face, because i feel like i deceived them into thinking i was a worthwhile human being. I miss having someone care where i am, what i'm doing. I miss being worth worrying about. I miss feeling like i'm worth ANYTHING at all.
Even when i talk to him -- which i do, not infrequently -- i miss him. And i feel hollow, and i can't stop wondering (for all that i know better) if he ever loved me.
By my own rules, i have to be done with mourning. I've been going through the motions of a life for a year and a day. So starting tomorrow, i'll try to pick up what's left of my actual life; i'll start making more of an effort to go places, do things, act like things matter. I'll see if i can bear to face the people i've been avoiding. I will try harder to remind myself that there are people who love me, and things i'm good at, and that i'm not so worthless as i am prone to believing. I'll try not to run away from the people who care about me.
But if i'm done with mourning, it'll still be a long time yet before i'm done with grieving.
Watching all the insects march along
Seem to know just right where they belong
Smears of face reflecting in the chrome
Hiding in the crowd I'm all alone
No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as though the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a...
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
All the jagged edges disappear
Colors all look brighter when you're near
The stars are all afire in the sky
Sometimes I get so lonely I could...
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love in the world?
Why do you get all the love?
-Nine Inch Nails, "All the Love in the World"
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