(no subject)
i went to Polly's today and talked to Meghan for about an hour. I know it might sound stupid sitting on a bench, laying on a bench, sitting on the ground, talking to a headstone. This sounds even crazier, but everytime i finished saying something the wind would blow out of nowhere, but not as i was speaking. Today was the first time i went alone, i didn't tell any one i was going, because everytime i tell some one i guess they worry about my reaction and go with me, today i got to go alone and talk to my best friend, just like old times, but it wasn't like old times, a whole hell of alot more tears, and no one to speak back. but now she knows that i miss her so much. I told her all about joe getting his licence and a truck. i told her that i'm staying away from the boys she didn't approve of. I told her how i don't know how but physically i'm still alive, maybe i'm not alive on the inside, but physically i am. i told her how much i miss her, i told her i wanted her back. I told her how people got mad at me when i said that i should have died, not her. I told her how our plan of growing old together didn't work. I told her that i still don't know why she's dead and i'm alive, we both know it should have been the other way around. I told her how much i miss seeing her in the mornings, in the afternoon, on the weekends. I told her how i miss walking down the hallway with her and her randomly grabbing me and kissing me on the cheek, how i miss people's reactions to that. How i miss BLASTING kono where ever we went. i told her how i'm becoming more and more of a bitch and not meaning to. i cleaned some dirt off her headstone for her, and off her cross. i ment to bring flowers for the deer to eat, but i forgot to stop by the store on my way out. but it was nice just talking to her.
then i was going to stop by and see frank before i went to see James, just to tell him thank you, but he was about to go teach.
Then i went and saw James, i didn't stay long, because of a couple of reasons, one the place he's burried at gives me the creeps, two the place he's burried at were assholes to his mother, telling her they burried him in the body bag they got him in. Three, i didn't have anything to tell him, so i blew a kiss at his headstone, and wipped some dirt off it, told him i missed him and left.