The Doc said I should do this project....now is as good a time as any
The doctor said I should write a letter to my mom--not to send--but just to verbalize what my childhood was like from my point of view. I understand that this is a tool to help me see where I "picked up" certain behaviors and attitudes. I have procrastinated on this project all week, because I didn't want to 1) get upset, 2) sound like I was blaming anyone for my current problems, and 3) sound like an ungrateful brat. I talked to the therapist on Friday about this and told her I didn't want to do the project. She explained how important it was in healing from the pain I experience now as a result of my childhood and that I would feel better and be better able to rationalize aspects of myself. So...without further stalling, here goes.
Dear Mom,
I am writing this letter to let you know how some of the things that happened in my childhood and in our interactions have affected me in adulthood. I am not sending you this letter because I know the things I need to say would only hurt you and that is not my intention.
First of all, let me say that the times you did "have it together", you were a wonderful parent. We have shared many good times together, and at points in my life I have shared a closeness with you that many kids could only wish to have with their parents. There are many things about you that I admire, first and foremost being your strength. I know that there were times in your life when you didn't feel strong enough to carry on, but you found something within yourself to keep doing just that. Regardless of how poor we were, you managed to keep us off welfare, and to keep that stigma off of me as a child. There were many times that you worked 2 or 3 jobs just to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. You showed a lot of courage in trying to raise me the right way. We didn't have much materially, but you taught me so much more about values, morality, hard work, and responsibility and I will be forever grateful for that.
I remember when I was sick, before the doctors diagnosed the kidney disease, and being in the hospital. No one knew what was wrong with me. I remember one doctor saying I had severe allergies and I can remember laying there listening to you scream at that doctor because the idea that I was so sick due to allergies was just ludicrous. I remember being, not embarassed, but really cared for...because you were screaming at someone who I, at age 5, looked up to as an authority figure, and you were doing it to protect me. I was so sick for so long before they figured out what was wrong with me...I think I was in the hospital for a couple of months, and you were there every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to sleep. I can remember both of us sleeping in that tiny bed, and you made that 2 months as un-scary for me as you possibly could. For that also, I am forever grateful.
However, there are things that I regret about my childhood that I want to share with you. I don't know if you even know how certain things have affected me. I know we haven't talked about it before, but I want to express it now in order to heal from this hurt. I know you have always struggled with your depression. It has been severe and I can't imagine what it is like to be so depressed for the long periods of time that you are. I go through bouts of depression, for a few weeks at a time, and it scares me to death every time because I feel like maybe I won't "come out of it" and I'll end up being just like you.
Because of your depression, I didn't have a normal childhood. I felt like I had to be perfect for you all the time. I felt like if I did or said something wrong that you would get upset and get even more sad and depressed. I always paid attention to the things I did and said that made you the happiest and I built up this person inside of me whose meaning in life was to do and say all the things that would make you happy. It was not my responsibility as a child to make you happy. It was not fair of you to expect me to be perfect. It was not fair for you to tell all of your friends and family how perfect of a child I was. I was not being who I truly was...I was only putting on that act to protect you. In relationships and friendships now, I find myself still trying to be perfect for people. I still wear that mask because I want to be able to make people happy. I have become very self-righteous in that role. There were times that you made me feel like something I did or said had made you happy--I kept trying to out-do myself so I could make you even happier. I was not responsible for your depression and it certainly wasn't my responsibility to fix you.
It was not fair of you to reverse our roles and make me be the one who felt obligated to take care of you and me. All those times that you were stowed away for days at a time, crying or sleeping, or whatever you were doing behind that door, I was taking care of myself. That was your job. I was, at 6,7,8 years old going for days at a time without even seeing you. Getting up, going to school, coming home, fixing my dinner, taking my bath, doing my homework, and going to bed--on time I might add--completely on my own. I never told any of our family, your friends, my friends, the school--any of what went on at home. I protected you. Knowing this, how do you think I dealt with all of this? I internalized it. I internalized every feeling I had because I was afraid it would upset you, or that you would internalize what I was feeling and make it your own. I still struggle to this day with that. I am afraid to open up to people and tell them how I actually feel because I am afraid they will react like you. So I keep it all inside, just like I used to because I am scared of the reaction, and quite possibly the rejection.
I felt so lonely as a kid. I was afraid to have what few friends I did have over to the house because then they would see how you really were. I wasn't honest with my friends about you because I was afraid they would think I was "crazy" too. I did not develop socialization skills appropriately at the age I should have developed them at. I still struggle with making friends because I have an internal shame about who I am.
I am scared to death to get close to people now, mom. In my heart, I want to be close to others. I felt like I had done something wrong as a child to make you this way. You never explained to me what was going on. All I knew was that I was the only thing you had in your life and that you were sad all the time. How could you expect me to not make the connection that I was responsible for your illness. I know now that it's not true, but I didn't have the information or ability to rationalize that when I was a kid. I am terrified to get close to people because I'm afraid they will expect me to take care of them, like I did for you. I am afraid they will internalize my feelings, or reject me for having certain feelings. I am afraid that at the point when I get close to someone that they will retreat into their shell, just like you did, leaving me standing there broken-hearted and feeling like I am to blame.
I have an unhealthy need to take care of people now. I have run up huge credit card bills, spent exhorbitant amounts of time and money on people because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. I go through relationships feeling resentful because someone asks me to do something for them, or wants something from me. I don't want to treat people like they are a burden to me. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do because I feel like that's the only way that they are going to be happy.
I am very selfish as an adult. You and I lived in our secret shell of a world, with you not being social and me being afraid to be social, and I have grown up not knowing the tools to relate in a healthy way to other people. I look out for myself, and myself only. That's exactly what I did as a kid. I was in survival mode. I had no one to depend on except myself.
I guess that's all I really want to say. I will not let the issues that happened to me 20+ years ago continue to destroy me and my relationships. I wanted you to know what I had gone through as a result of your illness and the way I was raised and let you know that I intend to heal from these things and grow as an adult. This may sound weird, but I do not blame you for anything. You did the best you knew how to do. I know that none of the things that happened were done maliciously, or even with intent. That's just the way the game played out. I just wanted you to know.
I love you.
Dear Mom,
I am writing this letter to let you know how some of the things that happened in my childhood and in our interactions have affected me in adulthood. I am not sending you this letter because I know the things I need to say would only hurt you and that is not my intention.
First of all, let me say that the times you did "have it together", you were a wonderful parent. We have shared many good times together, and at points in my life I have shared a closeness with you that many kids could only wish to have with their parents. There are many things about you that I admire, first and foremost being your strength. I know that there were times in your life when you didn't feel strong enough to carry on, but you found something within yourself to keep doing just that. Regardless of how poor we were, you managed to keep us off welfare, and to keep that stigma off of me as a child. There were many times that you worked 2 or 3 jobs just to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads. You showed a lot of courage in trying to raise me the right way. We didn't have much materially, but you taught me so much more about values, morality, hard work, and responsibility and I will be forever grateful for that.
I remember when I was sick, before the doctors diagnosed the kidney disease, and being in the hospital. No one knew what was wrong with me. I remember one doctor saying I had severe allergies and I can remember laying there listening to you scream at that doctor because the idea that I was so sick due to allergies was just ludicrous. I remember being, not embarassed, but really cared for...because you were screaming at someone who I, at age 5, looked up to as an authority figure, and you were doing it to protect me. I was so sick for so long before they figured out what was wrong with me...I think I was in the hospital for a couple of months, and you were there every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to sleep. I can remember both of us sleeping in that tiny bed, and you made that 2 months as un-scary for me as you possibly could. For that also, I am forever grateful.
However, there are things that I regret about my childhood that I want to share with you. I don't know if you even know how certain things have affected me. I know we haven't talked about it before, but I want to express it now in order to heal from this hurt. I know you have always struggled with your depression. It has been severe and I can't imagine what it is like to be so depressed for the long periods of time that you are. I go through bouts of depression, for a few weeks at a time, and it scares me to death every time because I feel like maybe I won't "come out of it" and I'll end up being just like you.
Because of your depression, I didn't have a normal childhood. I felt like I had to be perfect for you all the time. I felt like if I did or said something wrong that you would get upset and get even more sad and depressed. I always paid attention to the things I did and said that made you the happiest and I built up this person inside of me whose meaning in life was to do and say all the things that would make you happy. It was not my responsibility as a child to make you happy. It was not fair of you to expect me to be perfect. It was not fair for you to tell all of your friends and family how perfect of a child I was. I was not being who I truly was...I was only putting on that act to protect you. In relationships and friendships now, I find myself still trying to be perfect for people. I still wear that mask because I want to be able to make people happy. I have become very self-righteous in that role. There were times that you made me feel like something I did or said had made you happy--I kept trying to out-do myself so I could make you even happier. I was not responsible for your depression and it certainly wasn't my responsibility to fix you.
It was not fair of you to reverse our roles and make me be the one who felt obligated to take care of you and me. All those times that you were stowed away for days at a time, crying or sleeping, or whatever you were doing behind that door, I was taking care of myself. That was your job. I was, at 6,7,8 years old going for days at a time without even seeing you. Getting up, going to school, coming home, fixing my dinner, taking my bath, doing my homework, and going to bed--on time I might add--completely on my own. I never told any of our family, your friends, my friends, the school--any of what went on at home. I protected you. Knowing this, how do you think I dealt with all of this? I internalized it. I internalized every feeling I had because I was afraid it would upset you, or that you would internalize what I was feeling and make it your own. I still struggle to this day with that. I am afraid to open up to people and tell them how I actually feel because I am afraid they will react like you. So I keep it all inside, just like I used to because I am scared of the reaction, and quite possibly the rejection.
I felt so lonely as a kid. I was afraid to have what few friends I did have over to the house because then they would see how you really were. I wasn't honest with my friends about you because I was afraid they would think I was "crazy" too. I did not develop socialization skills appropriately at the age I should have developed them at. I still struggle with making friends because I have an internal shame about who I am.
I am scared to death to get close to people now, mom. In my heart, I want to be close to others. I felt like I had done something wrong as a child to make you this way. You never explained to me what was going on. All I knew was that I was the only thing you had in your life and that you were sad all the time. How could you expect me to not make the connection that I was responsible for your illness. I know now that it's not true, but I didn't have the information or ability to rationalize that when I was a kid. I am terrified to get close to people because I'm afraid they will expect me to take care of them, like I did for you. I am afraid they will internalize my feelings, or reject me for having certain feelings. I am afraid that at the point when I get close to someone that they will retreat into their shell, just like you did, leaving me standing there broken-hearted and feeling like I am to blame.
I have an unhealthy need to take care of people now. I have run up huge credit card bills, spent exhorbitant amounts of time and money on people because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do. I go through relationships feeling resentful because someone asks me to do something for them, or wants something from me. I don't want to treat people like they are a burden to me. I don't want to do things that I don't want to do because I feel like that's the only way that they are going to be happy.
I am very selfish as an adult. You and I lived in our secret shell of a world, with you not being social and me being afraid to be social, and I have grown up not knowing the tools to relate in a healthy way to other people. I look out for myself, and myself only. That's exactly what I did as a kid. I was in survival mode. I had no one to depend on except myself.
I guess that's all I really want to say. I will not let the issues that happened to me 20+ years ago continue to destroy me and my relationships. I wanted you to know what I had gone through as a result of your illness and the way I was raised and let you know that I intend to heal from these things and grow as an adult. This may sound weird, but I do not blame you for anything. You did the best you knew how to do. I know that none of the things that happened were done maliciously, or even with intent. That's just the way the game played out. I just wanted you to know.
I love you.