Running
Last night I saw "Winter Passing". I really liked it. It was this indie (?) film with Ed Harris, Zooey Deschanel (the girl from Elf), Will Ferrell and some British chick. Zooey is this coke-head actress who leaves New York to visit her burnt out father. Will Ferrell and the British chick are living in the house too. I love movies like that, where it's just 4 people and one house throughout the whole thing. I saw a movie two summers ago called "The Wife", with Wallace Shawn, that Mr. Hall guy from Clueless. That was really good, same kind of premise only way weirder.
After "Winter Passing" I saw the 2nd half of "Employee of the Month." I had started the first half with my mom when she was here, . But on my own it was really silly and I felt goofy not sharing the laughs with someone else.
So I went to the HPER this morning and did the stair master, 30 minutes, burned 305 calories. Then I powerwalked/jogged for another half hour. It was awesome! After the stair master, I was euphoric, so when I walked, I got more and more pumped, and then I started running. I stood taller and taller, and I felt all the worries, about past, future, school, being left behind. Doubts about music, staying in school, giving up on dreams and feeling like an old hag, they FINALLY disappeared. Instead I started thinking "I'm 22 years old, I'm young! And I can do anything I want with my life. ANYTHING." I thought of Peace Corps. I thought of moving to Phoenix. I kept running, and life was just put into perspective. Bloomington is a great place to be, even if you don't know what you're doing.
The most important thing I have is my health, I'm realizing. Without my health, I can't do anything. I can't dream about life or do things I want to do if I'm not mentally stable and physically healthy.
It is such a beautiful day outside today. I went for a walk to BBC (bloomington bagel co.) and ordered a bagel, only to find I forgot my ATM card at home. So I got a free bagel and schmear. I felt really evil. I thought about reapplying for a job there, but decided against it when I remember working there 3 years ago. A part of me thought "ugg, I thought I was progressing, I don't want to go back to that." Especially seeing David Boyer working at the line.
I went home and got my card, then went out again to get a haircut. I didn't go to Sharma, I went to Super Cuts. Cheaper. I asked for about 1.5" to be taken off. Then I got a Caesar salad from McAllister's Deli. The weather outside so beautiful, I felt so free. I enjoyed my movie night yesterday so I went to Movie Guide and picked up a movie, "Tan Lines." I asked the woman at the store if she was hiring, and she emphatically said YES. :) A job at a movie rental place. That'll be cool. On the bus I ran into Josh Keller on the bus. He got this gig to play gamba in MEXICO. So that's where he was going: the airport.
I went to the library to print out some music for the Evansville concerts coming up. I should really look at the parts; they're pretty tricky. I'd like to say i could read all the notes by being a super sight reader, but that's certainly not the case. It's really annoying. I get there, and I play, but a lot of times I really feel like a big faker. Like, I'm not doing my best at this job, and when I try my best, I still stumble. I don't know. It makes me very uncomfortable, playing in an orchestra. Even the baroque stuff isn't quite doing it for me these days.
*sigh* I don't know where I'm going with my life. I don't even know if I will finish this degree. All I know is that the sun is shining outside, it's a beautiful day, and running, exercise, a good diet, a place to go home to, that makes me feel complete.
I've talked with my mom about my doubts with music numerous times. She wants me to become a professional, and really wants me to get educated so that I can make enough money and have a title. She just e-mailed me some links to degrees in Philanthropy offered at IUPUI, and also hinted at Psychology and Business.
I know I think pretty similarly to my mom, but I don't even know if I want to do school. A part of me wants to just go back to New York, and get an internship or a job. Learn how to drive, save up enough money to move somewhere warm 365 days a year so I don't have nervous breakdowns every winter. Do a job, come home and enjoy the home I've made for myself, watch some movies, listen to music, have friends over and do a book club or something.
After "Winter Passing" I saw the 2nd half of "Employee of the Month." I had started the first half with my mom when she was here, . But on my own it was really silly and I felt goofy not sharing the laughs with someone else.
So I went to the HPER this morning and did the stair master, 30 minutes, burned 305 calories. Then I powerwalked/jogged for another half hour. It was awesome! After the stair master, I was euphoric, so when I walked, I got more and more pumped, and then I started running. I stood taller and taller, and I felt all the worries, about past, future, school, being left behind. Doubts about music, staying in school, giving up on dreams and feeling like an old hag, they FINALLY disappeared. Instead I started thinking "I'm 22 years old, I'm young! And I can do anything I want with my life. ANYTHING." I thought of Peace Corps. I thought of moving to Phoenix. I kept running, and life was just put into perspective. Bloomington is a great place to be, even if you don't know what you're doing.
The most important thing I have is my health, I'm realizing. Without my health, I can't do anything. I can't dream about life or do things I want to do if I'm not mentally stable and physically healthy.
It is such a beautiful day outside today. I went for a walk to BBC (bloomington bagel co.) and ordered a bagel, only to find I forgot my ATM card at home. So I got a free bagel and schmear. I felt really evil. I thought about reapplying for a job there, but decided against it when I remember working there 3 years ago. A part of me thought "ugg, I thought I was progressing, I don't want to go back to that." Especially seeing David Boyer working at the line.
I went home and got my card, then went out again to get a haircut. I didn't go to Sharma, I went to Super Cuts. Cheaper. I asked for about 1.5" to be taken off. Then I got a Caesar salad from McAllister's Deli. The weather outside so beautiful, I felt so free. I enjoyed my movie night yesterday so I went to Movie Guide and picked up a movie, "Tan Lines." I asked the woman at the store if she was hiring, and she emphatically said YES. :) A job at a movie rental place. That'll be cool. On the bus I ran into Josh Keller on the bus. He got this gig to play gamba in MEXICO. So that's where he was going: the airport.
I went to the library to print out some music for the Evansville concerts coming up. I should really look at the parts; they're pretty tricky. I'd like to say i could read all the notes by being a super sight reader, but that's certainly not the case. It's really annoying. I get there, and I play, but a lot of times I really feel like a big faker. Like, I'm not doing my best at this job, and when I try my best, I still stumble. I don't know. It makes me very uncomfortable, playing in an orchestra. Even the baroque stuff isn't quite doing it for me these days.
*sigh* I don't know where I'm going with my life. I don't even know if I will finish this degree. All I know is that the sun is shining outside, it's a beautiful day, and running, exercise, a good diet, a place to go home to, that makes me feel complete.
I've talked with my mom about my doubts with music numerous times. She wants me to become a professional, and really wants me to get educated so that I can make enough money and have a title. She just e-mailed me some links to degrees in Philanthropy offered at IUPUI, and also hinted at Psychology and Business.
I know I think pretty similarly to my mom, but I don't even know if I want to do school. A part of me wants to just go back to New York, and get an internship or a job. Learn how to drive, save up enough money to move somewhere warm 365 days a year so I don't have nervous breakdowns every winter. Do a job, come home and enjoy the home I've made for myself, watch some movies, listen to music, have friends over and do a book club or something.