'Believe me, if I started murdering people, there would be none of you left' Charles Manson
I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to calm myself. I am so angry that I am doing breathing exercises just to function. My family does not understand that I have a breaking point and one of several things happen when I am pushed to my breaking point. Usually I start crying because I can feel the angry rage raise up in my heart and mind. Feeling rage makes me panic. Tonight the rage lead to a panic attack that I am attempting to write through. When someone pushes me to the level of anger that causes rage, I have to divide my focus. The energy it requires to suppress rage is absolutely amazing. So between crying and turning rage back into energy I can use to function and stand up for myself verbally, I feel faint.
This morning, I awoke to my brother putting dirty laundry and a vacuum in front of my door. I do all of my laundry separately, so the laundry was no mine. The vacuum is an appliance that was upstairs when I moved in and I use it to clean my room. My 24 year old brother was playing a game of throwing the laundry in front of my door and the vacuum in my way as well. He also has the modem/router for the cable and internet installed in his room. His room has a lock installed that no one has a key for except for him. When he wants to control me or show me he is angry, he will turn off my tv and internet services. He does not pay any part of any bill.
Having the cradle of control sit outside my fair reach enrages me. In 2 days, he has turned off my services twice. Do I hate my brother... if I were capable of hating him, I would. Right now, I am capable of wanting to kick his ass a good one like a big sister should. He hasn't gotten into a physical fight with me since I was a teenager. I won every fight because I am 4.5 years older than him. Now that he and I are both in our 20's, a fight would be a little more even.
Fighting is against the law. When I feel rage and want to kick his ass, I can't go do it like I used to. This morning, I warned my parents that I have really deep seated issues with someone trying to control me. I expressed that my brother is trying to control me and that I needed their help in diffusing a possible fight. My mother and father spanked me as a child. I only have 30% hearing in my left ear because my mother smacked me and it popped my ear drum. My father has punched me in the face before. I do not approve of violence, but when confronted, 'fight' is instinctual... as oppose to 'flight.' I am trying to change my ways because fighting is barbaric. Adults should be able to have a logical conversations and come to compromises. My brother starts to scream and become violent. He is obese so he thinks he is powerful.
He is asking for an ass whupping, big sister style. I just really want to avoid getting in trouble or creating hospital bills for him. I am doing my best, I really am. I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 days. I am going to talk about panic disorder and see what he thinks. *sigh*
This morning, I awoke to my brother putting dirty laundry and a vacuum in front of my door. I do all of my laundry separately, so the laundry was no mine. The vacuum is an appliance that was upstairs when I moved in and I use it to clean my room. My 24 year old brother was playing a game of throwing the laundry in front of my door and the vacuum in my way as well. He also has the modem/router for the cable and internet installed in his room. His room has a lock installed that no one has a key for except for him. When he wants to control me or show me he is angry, he will turn off my tv and internet services. He does not pay any part of any bill.
Having the cradle of control sit outside my fair reach enrages me. In 2 days, he has turned off my services twice. Do I hate my brother... if I were capable of hating him, I would. Right now, I am capable of wanting to kick his ass a good one like a big sister should. He hasn't gotten into a physical fight with me since I was a teenager. I won every fight because I am 4.5 years older than him. Now that he and I are both in our 20's, a fight would be a little more even.
Fighting is against the law. When I feel rage and want to kick his ass, I can't go do it like I used to. This morning, I warned my parents that I have really deep seated issues with someone trying to control me. I expressed that my brother is trying to control me and that I needed their help in diffusing a possible fight. My mother and father spanked me as a child. I only have 30% hearing in my left ear because my mother smacked me and it popped my ear drum. My father has punched me in the face before. I do not approve of violence, but when confronted, 'fight' is instinctual... as oppose to 'flight.' I am trying to change my ways because fighting is barbaric. Adults should be able to have a logical conversations and come to compromises. My brother starts to scream and become violent. He is obese so he thinks he is powerful.
He is asking for an ass whupping, big sister style. I just really want to avoid getting in trouble or creating hospital bills for him. I am doing my best, I really am. I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 days. I am going to talk about panic disorder and see what he thinks. *sigh*