(no subject)
Sorry it's been such a long time since I posted... I've been missing for a while. I'm seriously considering leaving. Too much trauma drama here for me to be able to deal with in a healthy manner. I've been a little down the past few days and feeling worthless for not having a job or a way to get transportation to one when/if I do achieve the actuality of obtaining one. I have felt so lost for so long and other people don't seem to help. All anyone ever does is critique me on the things I should have done and should have been. I hate to break it to them, but I can't change them. I will never be able to remedy the past transgressions and relive my life the way I want to live it. I will never be able to fix the things that I have hated for so long and can never redo the things that I did wrong. No one seems to understand this and they all have ideas about what they want me to do to fix them. I have nothing and won't for a long, long time. I'm not even sure if I will ever have anything worthwhile. I do still deeply care for Josh, but I just don't even think that I'm good enough for him. I hate doubting myself, but maybe, if I had some small, minuscule amount of self-worth, I'd be able to feel at peace. I havn't, however, amounted to anything. Maybe mom and dad are right and I should just give in to them and restart as a lowly, mindless photo-copy of their wants/needs/desires. I want to just run away and leave here. Maybe I can break my desires to stay here and make things better by leaving. I don't want to leave everyone, but some things you just don't want to do, right? I'm lost and I can't seem to find the path. I thought mid-life crises were supposed to come in the mid-life area. Unless of course, your life is just gonna be too short for your mid-life to be at the age of 30-40... Whatever.