Writerverse: Mini Table of DOOM! (Pariah)
More The Church and Its Orbs possible canon. Enjoy!
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“Excuse me, I have to -- get some air before I drop dead,” I say. Everyone’s eyes burn into me, and I don’t want to think anymore.
I get up from my seat and race out of the room. Nobody stops me, and nobody tries to follow me. If they had, I might have punched them. That includes Riley, even though he’s a police officer. My heart hammers as I stand outside the living room. The house’s walls close in on me, making me feel I truly might drop dead. Can you die from hearing unpleasant not-truths at age sixteen? Where should I go? I can’t exactly leave, but I don’t want to think about that.
It’s not about what I want now, though, is it? Kai’s been kidnapped -- if people think I’m the best one for the investigation, I have to do it, don’t I? We have problems so much bigger than myself if the Church has truly dared to kidnap one of its own gods. Still, I shove that particular idea about myself out of my mind, or try to. I can “be convincing” as a patient at Harmony Sexual Reeducation Center without actually needing their services, right?
“They’re wrong,” I mutter to myself.
Spoken aloud like that, my insistence sounds even less convincing than it did in my mind.
“I’m not,” I hiss. That sounds even worse.
Breathing rapidly, I stare at nothing. The walls get ever closer, and I lean against one of them. “I’m normal,” I say. “Absolutely normal.”
Oppressive, buzzing silence answers me, and it doesn’t believe me any more than I do. I glare at the beige wall, trying to stabilize myself. “I’m not -- not a…”
Every single thing I say just sounds like a massive, looming wall of denial. That doesn’t stop me. “I’m like everyone else,” I mutter.
That’s the silliest thing I’ve said so far, because “everyone else” includes Kai, Diana and Jocelyn, and they’re all “deviant,” only it’s not deviant to them.
“I’m like everyone normal. I’m normal. Normal. Definitely normal,” I say -- and immediately regret it. I don’t think Kai, Diana or Jocelyn are abnormal, or wrong, or anything like that. They’re my friends and allies -- how could I think badly of them?
Still, it’s different when it might be me. If I admitted that, I’d be a pariah, only...I’m already an oblivion-damned pariah for doing the right thing. The Church gave me a defective orb for exposing their corruption, and I had no rich family to protect me, unlike Wren.
“I’m normal,” I mutter, with little enthusiasm this time.
What if I’m not normal? I scrunch my face as I try to think of a single time I so much as thought of a guy as anything more than a friend. Before, I couldn’t think of anybody, and it’s the same now. My mind flits back to Marty, and I shudder -- I certainly didn’t find him attractive.
“I’m normal,” I say, almost unable to hear my own voice as I slide down the wall into a sitting position. I pull my knees up to my chest and tuck my head into them, wrapping my arms around myself.
“You are normal.” The voice makes my heart leap into my throat, but I don’t lift my head up. It’s Diana.
“No -- I’m not,” I say, the denial almost a reflex.
“Because you don’t like boys?” I hear her sit down beside me.
I feel my face burn, and I keep it between my knees. “Yes, that,” I mutter.
“That doesn’t make you abnormal,” she says.
“The Church says it does.”
“And is the Church right about everything?”
I shake my head -- I can’t deny that they get plenty wrong. Their own gods disagree with them -- at least, the gods I’ve met do.
“No, the Church isn’t...infallible,” I say, though we’re told to think it is.
“It’s not,” Diana murmurs, a smile in her voice.
Knowing the Church gets things wrong doesn’t exactly mean I can just...accept what I might be. It’s not that easy -- right?
Looking up at Diana, I see that she is, indeed, smiling. Her brown eyes twinkle.
“But…” I’m not even sure what I was going to say.
She waits for me to remember, still with that gentle smile.
“I don’t know,” I murmur.
“This can’t be easy for you,” she sighs. “Especially not with how we...dragged you out into the open like that. You don’t even...have to admit anything -- you just need to be convincing for Harmony.”
At the moment, I’m not sure I can admit anything, not really. Deep down, I know it’s true -- but I don’t know if I can confirm it out loud to everyone else yet.
“It’s not easy,” I murmur.
“Are you ready to go back in?” Diana asks.
I nod and get up. We head back into the living room. When I take my seat again, everyone stares at me. I narrow my eyes and try to ignore how my face must be red. I straighten my posture and fold my hands in my lap -- if I’m going to go undercover at Harmony, I need to have control of myself.
“Hello,” I mutter.
“You took less time than I might have expected,” Riley says, smirking. He thinks now is a time for smirking? “I’m just happy you came back at all -- not everyone would.”
“Um...thanks?” I raise an eyebrow at him. Why does he sound kind of...impressed? Surely my little meltdown couldn’t have impressed anybody?
Shadows cross his eyes, just for a moment. “Believe me, I know at least one person attracted to his own gender who had a truly spectacular meltdown when he realized it. Of course, even in Tevaren, not everyone loses it over such information, but considering your particular circumstances, you did well. You didn’t even cry,” he says.
“It’s not something to cry about,” I say, surprising myself. I don’t want to cry, which may be due to not processing everything yet.
“Maybe not for you, but people do cry over it,” Jocelyn says, nodding. “As a Harmony counselor, I see plenty of tears. If this world were friendlier, loving your gender would be nothing to angst over, but Tevaren isn’t friendly. And I’m deeply sorry we had to discuss your attractions so publicly. I would never do that someone under normal circumstances. ”
“Tevaren isn’t friendly at all, is it?” I mutter. Thinking about how people might react to my -- probably -- being a sed makes me want to panic, but, somehow, I don’t want to cry over it. I wonder why that is.
“Tevaren is as friendly as a rabid bear.” Wren scowls.
“It’s a fluffy kitten -- if you follow its rules and don’t do -- or be -- anything deviant,” I say. Most of my life I’ve thought of my home country as the loveliest and most righteous place to live in the world. Now, though, I’m not sure that’s so true.
“Even kittens can scratch,” Brandon says. He shudders. “I would know.”
It doesn’t matter if Tevaren is a kitten or a bear -- it attacked Kai when the Church kidnapped him. We have to get him back.
If searching for Kai requires publicly admitting my own attractions, I’ll do it. I may not want to cry over it, but I can’t say I’m entirely comfortable yet. Wait -- that’s a good thing. Harmony wants its patients to be unsure, right?
We will get Kai back. No matter what it takes.
---------
“Excuse me, I have to -- get some air before I drop dead,” I say. Everyone’s eyes burn into me, and I don’t want to think anymore.
I get up from my seat and race out of the room. Nobody stops me, and nobody tries to follow me. If they had, I might have punched them. That includes Riley, even though he’s a police officer. My heart hammers as I stand outside the living room. The house’s walls close in on me, making me feel I truly might drop dead. Can you die from hearing unpleasant not-truths at age sixteen? Where should I go? I can’t exactly leave, but I don’t want to think about that.
It’s not about what I want now, though, is it? Kai’s been kidnapped -- if people think I’m the best one for the investigation, I have to do it, don’t I? We have problems so much bigger than myself if the Church has truly dared to kidnap one of its own gods. Still, I shove that particular idea about myself out of my mind, or try to. I can “be convincing” as a patient at Harmony Sexual Reeducation Center without actually needing their services, right?
“They’re wrong,” I mutter to myself.
Spoken aloud like that, my insistence sounds even less convincing than it did in my mind.
“I’m not,” I hiss. That sounds even worse.
Breathing rapidly, I stare at nothing. The walls get ever closer, and I lean against one of them. “I’m normal,” I say. “Absolutely normal.”
Oppressive, buzzing silence answers me, and it doesn’t believe me any more than I do. I glare at the beige wall, trying to stabilize myself. “I’m not -- not a…”
Every single thing I say just sounds like a massive, looming wall of denial. That doesn’t stop me. “I’m like everyone else,” I mutter.
That’s the silliest thing I’ve said so far, because “everyone else” includes Kai, Diana and Jocelyn, and they’re all “deviant,” only it’s not deviant to them.
“I’m like everyone normal. I’m normal. Normal. Definitely normal,” I say -- and immediately regret it. I don’t think Kai, Diana or Jocelyn are abnormal, or wrong, or anything like that. They’re my friends and allies -- how could I think badly of them?
Still, it’s different when it might be me. If I admitted that, I’d be a pariah, only...I’m already an oblivion-damned pariah for doing the right thing. The Church gave me a defective orb for exposing their corruption, and I had no rich family to protect me, unlike Wren.
“I’m normal,” I mutter, with little enthusiasm this time.
What if I’m not normal? I scrunch my face as I try to think of a single time I so much as thought of a guy as anything more than a friend. Before, I couldn’t think of anybody, and it’s the same now. My mind flits back to Marty, and I shudder -- I certainly didn’t find him attractive.
“I’m normal,” I say, almost unable to hear my own voice as I slide down the wall into a sitting position. I pull my knees up to my chest and tuck my head into them, wrapping my arms around myself.
“You are normal.” The voice makes my heart leap into my throat, but I don’t lift my head up. It’s Diana.
“No -- I’m not,” I say, the denial almost a reflex.
“Because you don’t like boys?” I hear her sit down beside me.
I feel my face burn, and I keep it between my knees. “Yes, that,” I mutter.
“That doesn’t make you abnormal,” she says.
“The Church says it does.”
“And is the Church right about everything?”
I shake my head -- I can’t deny that they get plenty wrong. Their own gods disagree with them -- at least, the gods I’ve met do.
“No, the Church isn’t...infallible,” I say, though we’re told to think it is.
“It’s not,” Diana murmurs, a smile in her voice.
Knowing the Church gets things wrong doesn’t exactly mean I can just...accept what I might be. It’s not that easy -- right?
Looking up at Diana, I see that she is, indeed, smiling. Her brown eyes twinkle.
“But…” I’m not even sure what I was going to say.
She waits for me to remember, still with that gentle smile.
“I don’t know,” I murmur.
“This can’t be easy for you,” she sighs. “Especially not with how we...dragged you out into the open like that. You don’t even...have to admit anything -- you just need to be convincing for Harmony.”
At the moment, I’m not sure I can admit anything, not really. Deep down, I know it’s true -- but I don’t know if I can confirm it out loud to everyone else yet.
“It’s not easy,” I murmur.
“Are you ready to go back in?” Diana asks.
I nod and get up. We head back into the living room. When I take my seat again, everyone stares at me. I narrow my eyes and try to ignore how my face must be red. I straighten my posture and fold my hands in my lap -- if I’m going to go undercover at Harmony, I need to have control of myself.
“Hello,” I mutter.
“You took less time than I might have expected,” Riley says, smirking. He thinks now is a time for smirking? “I’m just happy you came back at all -- not everyone would.”
“Um...thanks?” I raise an eyebrow at him. Why does he sound kind of...impressed? Surely my little meltdown couldn’t have impressed anybody?
Shadows cross his eyes, just for a moment. “Believe me, I know at least one person attracted to his own gender who had a truly spectacular meltdown when he realized it. Of course, even in Tevaren, not everyone loses it over such information, but considering your particular circumstances, you did well. You didn’t even cry,” he says.
“It’s not something to cry about,” I say, surprising myself. I don’t want to cry, which may be due to not processing everything yet.
“Maybe not for you, but people do cry over it,” Jocelyn says, nodding. “As a Harmony counselor, I see plenty of tears. If this world were friendlier, loving your gender would be nothing to angst over, but Tevaren isn’t friendly. And I’m deeply sorry we had to discuss your attractions so publicly. I would never do that someone under normal circumstances. ”
“Tevaren isn’t friendly at all, is it?” I mutter. Thinking about how people might react to my -- probably -- being a sed makes me want to panic, but, somehow, I don’t want to cry over it. I wonder why that is.
“Tevaren is as friendly as a rabid bear.” Wren scowls.
“It’s a fluffy kitten -- if you follow its rules and don’t do -- or be -- anything deviant,” I say. Most of my life I’ve thought of my home country as the loveliest and most righteous place to live in the world. Now, though, I’m not sure that’s so true.
“Even kittens can scratch,” Brandon says. He shudders. “I would know.”
It doesn’t matter if Tevaren is a kitten or a bear -- it attacked Kai when the Church kidnapped him. We have to get him back.
If searching for Kai requires publicly admitting my own attractions, I’ll do it. I may not want to cry over it, but I can’t say I’m entirely comfortable yet. Wait -- that’s a good thing. Harmony wants its patients to be unsure, right?
We will get Kai back. No matter what it takes.