Gods and Shadow Creatures - Broken Feelings
I'm jumping around in my Gods and Shadow Creatures universe, so here's another story from there. I hope you all like it! Warning for allusions to [click]rape.
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As had happened many nights before, Nico couldn’t sleep. He lay in his bed, staring at the wooden beams criss-crossing the ceiling. Wind whistled through the shutters, making them clatter. He shivered and pulled the thin brownish blanket up to his chin. It didn’t help -- the wind didn’t bother him as much as the thoughts of his past that plagued him every night.
Sighing, Nico pushed the blankets and sheets aside. Trying to sleep appeared useless. He didn’t truly need to sleep, anyway, not like the mortals did. Slowly, he sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Nico slid his feet into a pair of walking slippers and walked over to his window.
He opened the shutters, feeling a blast of cold winter air. No glass existed to protect the windows of this house -- Nico thought he should perhaps spell the windows to keep the air out, as the shutters clearly weren’t enough. Looking at the position of the crescent moon in the clear black sky, he thought it had to be a couple hours before the break of dawn.
It may have been too early, but he decided to go downstairs and make himself some coffee. He would need the energy -- while he didn’t require sleep, it did help when he could get it.
With dismay, Nico realized he didn’t have a candle in his room. The light of the slim moon wasn’t enough to do more than walk around his room. Sighing yet again, he made a ball of glowing white light appear in his left hand. He preferred not to use his divine powers, but there would be no sense in tripping over his own feet.
Moving as quietly as he could, Nico left his room and started walking down the wooden stairs. As traveled the steps, he looked down at his feet, his brow furrowing. Faintly glowing white fog swirled around the ground and traveled up the stairs -- it looked like the remnants of a powerful magical spell. It didn’t appear harmful, but -- who would be working in the middle of the night? Breccan and Maris should have been asleep.
Nico dropped his human disguise and put his guard up. A nearly invisible defensive shield glimmered in front of him. The fog may not have seemed harmful, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He tried to follow the fog, moving slowly and carefully. It appeared to be coming from the sitting room.
When Nico actually arrived in the sitting room, he gasped and nearly dropped his magical shield -- Breccan lay in a heap on the floor in front of the couch, and the fog was coming from him.
Heart pounding, he rushed over and knelt beside the young redheaded man. Looking closely, he saw Breccan, though unconscious, was still breathing -- barely. What in all the hells had happened? Nico shut his eyes and scanned the mage with his healing abilities. Breccan leaked power, in the form of that magical fog, at an alarming rate. It swirled around them both, seeming far more malevolent than before. Magically, he appeared to be torn up, the core of his power in tatters. It looked like someone had shredded it. Normally, a mage’s core was spherical and pulsed with a uniform energy, but many dark spots marred Breccan’s own. They were the dark of the shadow monsters they fought, and they grew as Nico watched. If they expanded and covered the entire core, the young mage would die.
He held his hands over Breccan’s chest and focused all his own energy on stopping the strange power leak. He used his own power to patch the dark holes in the magical core. While he worked, he tried to remain as aware of his surroundings as he could -- whatever caused this might come back, even if Nico detected no threat in the still-swirling fog. He couldn’t let himself think that Breccan might have done this to himself, or he wouldn’t have been able to perform the spell.
For the longest time, Nico’s muttering seemed to do nothing -- the dark holes remained as black as ever. His heart hammered as he poured more and more of his own power into Breccan’s core. He shook, but he didn’t stop trying to bring the young man back from the brink of death. Nico may have been a god, but even his power had its limits -- if the holes didn’t start closing up soon, if Breccan didn’t stop leaking that fog, it would be over. He couldn’t bring him back from the dead again.
Just when he was about to give up hope, the darkness of the spots on the core dulled to a dark gray. With painful slowness, they faded to a pale gray and then brightened so they almost matched the glow of the rest of the core.
Nico could do no more. At least Breccan no longer leaned over the edge of death. He had stopped leaking fog, though the strange magical effect still swirled about them. Now, Nico had to wait and hope he would wake up. He stayed kneeling beside the young mage on the hard wooden floor, his hands folded together. Time stretched, twisted and distorted -- Nico couldn’t say how long he waited.
Breccan’s eyes snapped open, and relief flooded Nico’s body.
“You’re awake,” he breathed.
It took a few moments for the redhead’s eyes to focus on the god kneeling beside him. “Nico,” he murmured.
To Nico’s surprise, Breccan turned bright red and covered his face with hands, as if ashamed of whatever had happened.
“What happened?” he asked, his heart sinking.
“It didn’t work,” Breccan moaned, keeping his hands over his face.
That strange statement confirmed Nico’s suspicions -- it appeared the mage had done this to himself. He allowed himself to drop his magical defenses.
“Broken,” the redhead muttered, still hiding his face.
“What’s broken?” Nico said, trying to keep his distress out of his voice. Since the room was so dark, he created another ball of light in his hand.
“Me,” Breccan said, his voice tiny and shrill.
“You’re not broken,” Nico murmured. He clasped his hand tightly to prevent himself from reaching out to the young man.
Breccan removed his hands from his face, but he kept his eyes shut and turned away from Nico. “I am,” he said.
“Did you --?” he had to ask, feeling ill at the possibility.
“-- I didn’t try to kill myself. Just go away, please?” he muttered. Nico thought he saw tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” he muttered. Nico had no intention of leaving Breccan alone in such a state.
“Please,” Breccan said. “Leave me alone.”
“Not until you tell me what happened,” Nico said.
Tears gathered in the young mage’s gray eyes, making them shine almost silver. He said nothing, just lay there trembling with suppressed sobs. Nico didn’t want to push him to speak, but he couldn’t let this go, either. While he might have called one of the others in the house, he didn’t -- the idea did occur to him, but he wasn’t sure any of them could help. So, he waited, hoping Breccan would decide to explain.
“I -- couldn’t feel it.” The mage’s voice broke the tense silence, though Nico could barely hear him.
“Feel what?” He frowned, unsure what the young man meant.
Breccan shifted into a sitting position, his body still trembling, and pulled his knees to his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head between his knees. “The joy,” he whispered. “The joy -- of spellcasting. I -- I.felt nothing when I used my magic.”
Nico’s heart sank. He knew how mortal mages felt joy when they worked with their magic. The gods had incorporated that feature into mortal power in order to replace the ecstasy of sex that mages were forbidden. This joy almost never failed -- unless a mage managed to fall in love despite the suppression of romantic desire inherent in magical power.
“My feelings are all wrong,” Breccan said, his head still lowered.
“Wrong how?” Nico sat down and crossed his legs, trying and failing to get comfortable.
“I fell -- in love, despite -- despite getting my power back. I’m so stupid,” he said. He looked so small sitting there all curled up.
“Feelings don’t make you stupid.” He held his breath as the air tightened around them.
“But you can’t love me back,” Breccan murmured. “You’re a god. An avatar of cosmic power without a real heart.”
The air shattered into a million pieces, each one sharp enough to cut. Nico couldn’t speak through the pain and disbelief engendered by Breccan’s words.
“I shouldn’t have feelings for one of you. Not after...” He hugged his knees tighter and looked up at Nico, letting his suppressed sobs break free.
Nico understood, though his understanding squeezed his chest hard enough he couldn’t breathe. It made no sense for Breccan to love him after what his fellow god Egan had done. He loved the young mage back -- or got as close to love as one of his kind could. To hear Breccan confess like that and berate himself for it? Nico thought his body might rend itself in two. He wanted nothing more than to make the young man happy, and he had caused this. Tears sprang to his eyes, to match the other’s own shining gray ones.
“You’ve been nothing but kind to me, but...” Breccan trailed off.
What could Nico say? He had done the same as Egan, though never to Breccan himself.
The young mage sighed, and his body seemed to sag as he leaned against the couch. “You must wonder just why I almost died. I -- thought if I practiced magic enough, it would burn my feelings away,” he said. “So, I kept using power, hoping to feel something, but all I could feel was you. No -- no joy of spellcasting.”
Tears started falling from Nico’s eyes. He didn’t want to believe what Breccan had done, but it would explain the distressed state of his power core.
“I do love you, Breccan. As much -- as much as I can. No, I don’t know what mortal love is like, but my heart, real or not, feels like it might die at the thought of losing you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. When we’re together, I feel...at peace. I feel...real. Human, almost. Warm, when I’m usually so cold,” Nico said. Was that love? He knew he had no chance with Breccan, but he had to say something.
“Is your world brighter when you think of me?” The young man looked directly into his eyes.
The intensity of his gaze made Nico’s breath catch in his throat. It froze him in place, but he forced a small nod. “It is,” he said.
“Mine is brighter when I think of you,” he murmured, still holding Nico’s gaze.
Nico allowed himself the tiniest of smiles, but it faded almost as soon as he made it. He still couldn’t tear himself away from Breccan’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry for what?” he asked, frowning in confusion. He smiled, though it was sad. “It’s not like you tried to make me fall in love with you. And...”
“And...?” he said, leaning forward slightly.
“And...what you told me...it -- it sounds enough like human feeling,” Breccan said, his smile getting just a bit brighter.
What did he say to that? He wondered what the young mage was getting at -- his words seemed heavy with extra meaning Nico couldn’t quite understand.
Before he could figure out the hidden meaning, Breccan let his bent legs slide to the ground, leaned forward and brought his lips to Nico’s own.
The god’s eyes widened -- he couldn’t believe what was happening. His body flushed with almost unbearable warmth, and he let the light in his hand go out. Nico shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around the redheaded man. He returned his kiss, struggling not to turn on his seduction powers -- while Breccan may have wanted to kiss him, he doubted he wanted that.
“What the fuck are you doing?” The voice sucked all the air out of the room.
It was Isabel.
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As had happened many nights before, Nico couldn’t sleep. He lay in his bed, staring at the wooden beams criss-crossing the ceiling. Wind whistled through the shutters, making them clatter. He shivered and pulled the thin brownish blanket up to his chin. It didn’t help -- the wind didn’t bother him as much as the thoughts of his past that plagued him every night.
Sighing, Nico pushed the blankets and sheets aside. Trying to sleep appeared useless. He didn’t truly need to sleep, anyway, not like the mortals did. Slowly, he sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Nico slid his feet into a pair of walking slippers and walked over to his window.
He opened the shutters, feeling a blast of cold winter air. No glass existed to protect the windows of this house -- Nico thought he should perhaps spell the windows to keep the air out, as the shutters clearly weren’t enough. Looking at the position of the crescent moon in the clear black sky, he thought it had to be a couple hours before the break of dawn.
It may have been too early, but he decided to go downstairs and make himself some coffee. He would need the energy -- while he didn’t require sleep, it did help when he could get it.
With dismay, Nico realized he didn’t have a candle in his room. The light of the slim moon wasn’t enough to do more than walk around his room. Sighing yet again, he made a ball of glowing white light appear in his left hand. He preferred not to use his divine powers, but there would be no sense in tripping over his own feet.
Moving as quietly as he could, Nico left his room and started walking down the wooden stairs. As traveled the steps, he looked down at his feet, his brow furrowing. Faintly glowing white fog swirled around the ground and traveled up the stairs -- it looked like the remnants of a powerful magical spell. It didn’t appear harmful, but -- who would be working in the middle of the night? Breccan and Maris should have been asleep.
Nico dropped his human disguise and put his guard up. A nearly invisible defensive shield glimmered in front of him. The fog may not have seemed harmful, but he didn’t want to take any chances. He tried to follow the fog, moving slowly and carefully. It appeared to be coming from the sitting room.
When Nico actually arrived in the sitting room, he gasped and nearly dropped his magical shield -- Breccan lay in a heap on the floor in front of the couch, and the fog was coming from him.
Heart pounding, he rushed over and knelt beside the young redheaded man. Looking closely, he saw Breccan, though unconscious, was still breathing -- barely. What in all the hells had happened? Nico shut his eyes and scanned the mage with his healing abilities. Breccan leaked power, in the form of that magical fog, at an alarming rate. It swirled around them both, seeming far more malevolent than before. Magically, he appeared to be torn up, the core of his power in tatters. It looked like someone had shredded it. Normally, a mage’s core was spherical and pulsed with a uniform energy, but many dark spots marred Breccan’s own. They were the dark of the shadow monsters they fought, and they grew as Nico watched. If they expanded and covered the entire core, the young mage would die.
He held his hands over Breccan’s chest and focused all his own energy on stopping the strange power leak. He used his own power to patch the dark holes in the magical core. While he worked, he tried to remain as aware of his surroundings as he could -- whatever caused this might come back, even if Nico detected no threat in the still-swirling fog. He couldn’t let himself think that Breccan might have done this to himself, or he wouldn’t have been able to perform the spell.
For the longest time, Nico’s muttering seemed to do nothing -- the dark holes remained as black as ever. His heart hammered as he poured more and more of his own power into Breccan’s core. He shook, but he didn’t stop trying to bring the young man back from the brink of death. Nico may have been a god, but even his power had its limits -- if the holes didn’t start closing up soon, if Breccan didn’t stop leaking that fog, it would be over. He couldn’t bring him back from the dead again.
Just when he was about to give up hope, the darkness of the spots on the core dulled to a dark gray. With painful slowness, they faded to a pale gray and then brightened so they almost matched the glow of the rest of the core.
Nico could do no more. At least Breccan no longer leaned over the edge of death. He had stopped leaking fog, though the strange magical effect still swirled about them. Now, Nico had to wait and hope he would wake up. He stayed kneeling beside the young mage on the hard wooden floor, his hands folded together. Time stretched, twisted and distorted -- Nico couldn’t say how long he waited.
Breccan’s eyes snapped open, and relief flooded Nico’s body.
“You’re awake,” he breathed.
It took a few moments for the redhead’s eyes to focus on the god kneeling beside him. “Nico,” he murmured.
To Nico’s surprise, Breccan turned bright red and covered his face with hands, as if ashamed of whatever had happened.
“What happened?” he asked, his heart sinking.
“It didn’t work,” Breccan moaned, keeping his hands over his face.
That strange statement confirmed Nico’s suspicions -- it appeared the mage had done this to himself. He allowed himself to drop his magical defenses.
“Broken,” the redhead muttered, still hiding his face.
“What’s broken?” Nico said, trying to keep his distress out of his voice. Since the room was so dark, he created another ball of light in his hand.
“Me,” Breccan said, his voice tiny and shrill.
“You’re not broken,” Nico murmured. He clasped his hand tightly to prevent himself from reaching out to the young man.
Breccan removed his hands from his face, but he kept his eyes shut and turned away from Nico. “I am,” he said.
“Did you --?” he had to ask, feeling ill at the possibility.
“-- I didn’t try to kill myself. Just go away, please?” he muttered. Nico thought he saw tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” he muttered. Nico had no intention of leaving Breccan alone in such a state.
“Please,” Breccan said. “Leave me alone.”
“Not until you tell me what happened,” Nico said.
Tears gathered in the young mage’s gray eyes, making them shine almost silver. He said nothing, just lay there trembling with suppressed sobs. Nico didn’t want to push him to speak, but he couldn’t let this go, either. While he might have called one of the others in the house, he didn’t -- the idea did occur to him, but he wasn’t sure any of them could help. So, he waited, hoping Breccan would decide to explain.
“I -- couldn’t feel it.” The mage’s voice broke the tense silence, though Nico could barely hear him.
“Feel what?” He frowned, unsure what the young man meant.
Breccan shifted into a sitting position, his body still trembling, and pulled his knees to his chest. He wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his head between his knees. “The joy,” he whispered. “The joy -- of spellcasting. I -- I.felt nothing when I used my magic.”
Nico’s heart sank. He knew how mortal mages felt joy when they worked with their magic. The gods had incorporated that feature into mortal power in order to replace the ecstasy of sex that mages were forbidden. This joy almost never failed -- unless a mage managed to fall in love despite the suppression of romantic desire inherent in magical power.
“My feelings are all wrong,” Breccan said, his head still lowered.
“Wrong how?” Nico sat down and crossed his legs, trying and failing to get comfortable.
“I fell -- in love, despite -- despite getting my power back. I’m so stupid,” he said. He looked so small sitting there all curled up.
“Feelings don’t make you stupid.” He held his breath as the air tightened around them.
“But you can’t love me back,” Breccan murmured. “You’re a god. An avatar of cosmic power without a real heart.”
The air shattered into a million pieces, each one sharp enough to cut. Nico couldn’t speak through the pain and disbelief engendered by Breccan’s words.
“I shouldn’t have feelings for one of you. Not after...” He hugged his knees tighter and looked up at Nico, letting his suppressed sobs break free.
Nico understood, though his understanding squeezed his chest hard enough he couldn’t breathe. It made no sense for Breccan to love him after what his fellow god Egan had done. He loved the young mage back -- or got as close to love as one of his kind could. To hear Breccan confess like that and berate himself for it? Nico thought his body might rend itself in two. He wanted nothing more than to make the young man happy, and he had caused this. Tears sprang to his eyes, to match the other’s own shining gray ones.
“You’ve been nothing but kind to me, but...” Breccan trailed off.
What could Nico say? He had done the same as Egan, though never to Breccan himself.
The young mage sighed, and his body seemed to sag as he leaned against the couch. “You must wonder just why I almost died. I -- thought if I practiced magic enough, it would burn my feelings away,” he said. “So, I kept using power, hoping to feel something, but all I could feel was you. No -- no joy of spellcasting.”
Tears started falling from Nico’s eyes. He didn’t want to believe what Breccan had done, but it would explain the distressed state of his power core.
“I do love you, Breccan. As much -- as much as I can. No, I don’t know what mortal love is like, but my heart, real or not, feels like it might die at the thought of losing you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. When we’re together, I feel...at peace. I feel...real. Human, almost. Warm, when I’m usually so cold,” Nico said. Was that love? He knew he had no chance with Breccan, but he had to say something.
“Is your world brighter when you think of me?” The young man looked directly into his eyes.
The intensity of his gaze made Nico’s breath catch in his throat. It froze him in place, but he forced a small nod. “It is,” he said.
“Mine is brighter when I think of you,” he murmured, still holding Nico’s gaze.
Nico allowed himself the tiniest of smiles, but it faded almost as soon as he made it. He still couldn’t tear himself away from Breccan’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said.
“Sorry for what?” he asked, frowning in confusion. He smiled, though it was sad. “It’s not like you tried to make me fall in love with you. And...”
“And...?” he said, leaning forward slightly.
“And...what you told me...it -- it sounds enough like human feeling,” Breccan said, his smile getting just a bit brighter.
What did he say to that? He wondered what the young mage was getting at -- his words seemed heavy with extra meaning Nico couldn’t quite understand.
Before he could figure out the hidden meaning, Breccan let his bent legs slide to the ground, leaned forward and brought his lips to Nico’s own.
The god’s eyes widened -- he couldn’t believe what was happening. His body flushed with almost unbearable warmth, and he let the light in his hand go out. Nico shut his eyes and wrapped his arms around the redheaded man. He returned his kiss, struggling not to turn on his seduction powers -- while Breccan may have wanted to kiss him, he doubted he wanted that.
“What the fuck are you doing?” The voice sucked all the air out of the room.
It was Isabel.