Comments | alien_writings: I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite

alien_writings

I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite - Chapter 24

Mar 05, 2013 15:55

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Xan didn’t tell anyone about me. Xan didn’t tell anyone about me. He. Didn’t. Tell. Anyone. About. Me.

( The realization kept hitting me and hitting me and hitting me. )

character: syra, character: firi, character: dylan, 500themes, pov: dylan, character: xan, pairing: xan/dylan, original fiction, series: i prefer the mind control

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theun4givables March 7 2013, 01:50:49 UTC

Okay, now that I've taken some time to let my thoughts sit and simmer a bit...

I feel that Dylan here is overreacting -- it's definitely upsetting that Xan didn't tell anyone about him, and I get that -- and I even pointed that out to you. But Dylan's reaction, for what we know of Dylan by this point in the story? Feels over the top. While I do think that Dylan would freak out about this, I think he would: hold it together long enough to wait until he and Xan were alone, that he wouldn't quite react this badly to it once it really hit him, and that he'd be able to get over it a little faster.

Doing emotions like this, I know, is hard for you. It's difficult to think of how a normal individual would react -- it's even harder to try and guess how our characters would react, at times. I'm not sure how I would tone this down for Dylan, but this feels over the top and doesn't come across as genuine for his character -- it almost feels forced.

In terms of other critiques, I think Dylan's breaking the fourth wall a little too frequently. I understand he's lost and looking for guidance, but his breaking the wall is a gimmick. Overdo it and it loses its charm -- which it's starting to do here, for me. This is the sort of thing that's best left under-utilized. He knows he's fiction. We know he knows he's fictional. We don't need the meta and we don't always need him turning to you for help -- because there's only so many times him cursing you out can be funny, y'know?

alien_writings March 11 2013, 03:23:50 UTC

I think Xylan really needs to go on hiatus, because this chapter was kind of really forced, even as I was writing it. :/ I'm probably gonna redo the last few chapters when I return to it.

theun4givables March 11 2013, 11:46:29 UTC

That might be a good idea -- when my brain tells me to let something sit for a little while I do it. That's why StN's coming about a little slower than both StD and GM. But! I did end up figuring out the next like, 10 chapters. Thank you random story-vomming, giving me the rest of the middle.

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