I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite - Chapter 1

[alien_writings]

This is a rewrite of my I Prefer the Mind Control NaNo novel. Here's hoping the new version is more awesome! This chapter is NSFW.

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I had been pretending to study for hours and needed some fucking coffee if I wanted to have the remotest chance of achieving actual productivity.

Comments

[theun4givables]

Oh, Dylan. I love you (again) already. I love how he breaks the fourth wall pretty much constantly. That's definitely part of his charm. Also him believing that he was resistant without ever having the mind control put on him -- oh man, Dylan, you just opened yourself up to a whole new world -- quite literally later on, too. ;)

Xan is already being a bit less of a piece of cardboard in this. I hope this trend continues. And of course, the sex with him and Dylan and Jirrin? Hot. Of course, now I'm kinda sorta shipping Xan/Jirrin and I wonder how that would even work and who'd be the Giver/Receiver and who would take turnsssss.....

Yes this is where my mind goes, shut up. lol

[alien_writings]

Dylan is a regular customer at the Story Depot, what with how often he needs to buy wall repair supplies and lampshades for hanging on my ridiculous (and awesome) plot developments. He might be aware of the fourth wall (what with how much he breaks it, he damn well better be aware of it), but he exhibits, at the same time, a certain amount of almost Genre Blindness. Dude, you're in a sexy story, OF COURSE the sexy mind control is gonna work on you; you're the freaking narrator!

now I'm kinda sorta shipping Xan/Jirrin

Psst...me too. It's so not just you, dude. In this draft, Xan and Jirrin ended up being way shippier than in their original incarnations. Put that pairing in your fanfic (smutty or otherwise) Idea File? lolol

I, too, hope Xan can continue to be less cardboard-like and get more and more three-dimensional as time goes on. :)

[n3m3sis43]

I'm amused by this rewrite so far. Definitely enjoyed the shoutout. Now I just have to figure out if I went to the school or "Sam" did, haha.

I agree that Xan seems to have a little more personality in this version, at least so far. I hope he continues to. Bringing his story into focus a tiny bit earlier may help, too. I also think bringing Jirrin in earlier might help somewhat because we get to see him interact with someone from his own world and not just a pretty new plaything he barely knows.

Nice job on the threesome. You've lost your threesome virginity. :)

[alien_writings]

Lol, when you figure it out, do tell me! ^_^

Yay, Xan (maybe) has a personality in this rewrite. Come on, Xan, do grow a personality; it will make the story you're in that much more awesome, on account of how you're one of the leads. I like the interactions between Xan and Jirrin. Maybe I like them a little too much, haha (see my response to theun4givables above).

The threesome made me nervous, but I felt all accomplished after it was done. (Imagine that sentence taken out of context!) It was part of the plot, so I had to obey the Plot Gods (or my characters - not sure which it is at this point) and write it, nervousness or no.

[pixiebelle]

I remember reading this the first time and liking how you started it all out. It's still a great beginning and intro to the characters.

I noticed when the narrator pulled out and spoke directly to us... and at times, I liked it a lot. Other times, it confused me and I'd have to think about it. But I think it adds a unique touch to the story and something worthy of playing with, for sure.

And good job with the threesome piece. I've never written a threesome before... and I'm sure you were nervous. But yes for accomplishing it!

[clover_elf_kin]

The 4th wall breakage makes me wonder if this guy's related to Deadpool or something. He doesn't have a healing factor and brain cancer, right? Right? XD

Very interesting! So far I'm unclear on what exactly this "mind control" does--I kind of got the impression it's more of an extreme Charm Person (or just a psychic instant arousal) than anything else, but I've been (REALLY, REALLY) wrong before.

An omission I found sort of glaring was lack of description when Xan stripped--you're already writing porn, what does the naked alien boy look like? :-D Readers can't just fill in the blanks, we need to know!

And since you never know with alien biology... the fact that he has two dads makes me wonder if these boys should be using protection! (Okay, logically human + alien shouldn't equal baby, but still...)

[alien_writings]

Thank you for the comment. :)

Lol no, Dylan doesn't have a healing factor or brain cancer. As far as I know, anyway, haha.

Your impression of the mind control is more or less right, though there's a more "advanced" version that appears later in the story as an important plot thing.

Thank you for point out what is QUITE the glaring omission. That shall be correct upon edits!

And you're right; you don't know with alien biology. Xan was adopted, though, haha.

[winters_queen]

Yay, I finally remembered to start reading this. Since most of your chapters are NSFW, I have to read at home.

Anyway. HOOBOY! This was a hot chapter. I wonder what made Dylan think he was immune to mind control in the first place.