Like a Human Would
This is Part Twenty Two in a series.
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen, Part Sixteen, Part Seventeen, Part Eighteen, Part Nineteen, Part Twenty, Part Twenty One
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A few nights after the attack by the three shadow creatures, and I yet again had difficulty sleeping. Rather awkwardly, sleep eluded me because Nico was still awake and not yet in bed. That shouldn't have mattered, but I had grown used to his presence and wanted him beside me, especially after something so harrowing had happened. I tossed and turned. Eventually, I decided to head downstairs and make myself some calming tea.
When I got to the kitchen door, I heard voices. It was Maris and Nico, having some kind of chat, at such a late hour.
“I wish more than anything that I could be human,” Nico muttered. He sounded like he might start to cry.
“I know,” Maris said.
He sighed. “Maybe it could be real, then.”
This conversation made no sense to me, but I had the distinct sense I wasn't supposed to overhear it. Naturally, that meant I were frozen in place, unable to tear myself away from eavesdropping. I peered through the door, entranced.
“Maybe what could be real?” she wondered.
“Breccan,” he murmured.
“What about Breccan?” Maris asked.
Nico looked at the ground, as if ashamed. “Maybe - maybe we could have a real relationship. One not based on false seduction and unequal power.”
“You want an actual relationship with him?” She didn't sound like she believed it.
Nico whispered, so softly I could barely hear him, “I think - I love him, or I could, given time. If I were human, I know I would be capable of it. As I am, I'm almost certainly too - broken for true love. And too - removed from what he is.”
“This isn't some joke to you, is it?” Maris said.
He shook his head. “Joke? Not at all. It's not like - like Isabel, either. Breccan isn't some pretty thing I felt entitled to have just for being a god. With her, I didn't - really care about her true feelings, as long as the seduction worked. And it did, for a time. After it started to fail? You know...” he trailed off.
“I know,” she muttered. “You might want to tell Breccan all this, rather than talking to me in the middle of the fucking night. I don't approve of your being involved with him at all, you understand. Still, honesty is best and if you're going to mess around with him, you shouldn't hide things like that.”
Nico sighed. “As if he would believe me. Breccan - cares for me in some way. At least he is kind, but what would he think if I said I might grow to love him as a human would?”
“Considering he was with Egan, he may well think you're full of shit,” she said.
“Perhaps I am, but I mean every word of it,” he replied.
What was I supposed to think in response to that? My breath caught in my throat. Everything Nico said made no sense for a god. They didn't love like humans did. It just wasn't something that they would even care to do, but Nico? He sounded so sincere when he told Maris he might grow to love me.
My eyes stung. Was I going to cry over what I heard? Thoughts swirled in my head. Did I want Nico to feel such things for me? I already knew he desired me in some capacity as he had seduced me with his power, but love? It was one thing to fall into bed with him when I thought it was merely a physical comfort, but I didn't want to take advantage of his feelings when I wasn't sure of my own.
“Breccan?”
I leaped backwards, stumbling. “N-nico!”
Even in the low light, I could tell he blushed. “What did you hear?”
“Everything,” I whispered. “At least, I heard enough to know how you feel about - about me.”
His pale violet eyes shined in the darkness. “I meant every word of it, truly. As much as I can even feel, I do, towards you. I don't - expect you to return my affections.”
“You don't? And I'm sorry for eavesdropping,” I said, my own cheeks burning.
Nico choked on his words. “Why would you return my feelings in any real way? Considering what I am and what I've done? Nobody would, or should.”
Tears started to fall from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around Nico before I could think about what I was doing. He started crying as well, his body shaking as he wrapped his own arms around me.
“Why are you hugging me?” he asked.
I said, “I don't know. I - care about you. I'm not sure what I feel, not after everything's that happened to me. But, if what you've told me is true, I could - grow to love you in time. You're not like Egan, for all that you're of the same kind. Whatever happens to us, I want you to know that.”
He held me tighter at that, shaking in my arms. We stood there for a long time, letting the tears fall from our eyes. Nico's body was warm in my embrace, and I drew comfort from his presence despite my confusion. Strangely, there wasn't any of that lightning-like sensation, only a kind of warmth like what I might feel from embracing another human.
When I had cried all I needed to, I pulled away slightly. Nico's eyes still shined, but there was a small smile upon his face.
“We should try to get some sleep,” he murmured.
I said, “Do you want me to stay in your bed with you tonight?”
“If you're okay with that, I would like you to. It would be lonely without you there.” Nico didn't pull away from me at all.
In truth, I would be lonely without him, confused feelings or no. After all, I came downstairs in the first place because I couldn't sleep without Nico in the bed beside me. I wasn't sure what that said about us. Did that mean I wanted Nico or merely that I didn't like sleeping alone? As a mage, loneliness had never really bothered me, at least not at a level of conscious awareness. Now that I was a mundane human, it bothered me so much it hurt.
I pulled all the way away from Nico, but I took his hand as we started up the stairs. He smiled again, and the tears seemed to have gone from his eyes, at least for now. I still didn't quite know what to do about his confession. Our relationship, such as it was, had started off as an artificial thing born of Nico's godly seduction powers. The feelings behind the use of his abilities surprised me for seeming so genuine and so human.
As I settled into bed beside him, I couldn't help wondering what would happen to us. I hadn't given any thought to a future with Nico. If I were honest with myself, I had let myself escape into his arms because I didn't want to deal with the hurt from losing Finbar and from the things he said to me. For now, having Nico beside me was enough, at least for me to fall asleep.
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written for 500themes #448 - "Ripped Apart"
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen, Part Sixteen, Part Seventeen, Part Eighteen, Part Nineteen, Part Twenty, Part Twenty One
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A few nights after the attack by the three shadow creatures, and I yet again had difficulty sleeping. Rather awkwardly, sleep eluded me because Nico was still awake and not yet in bed. That shouldn't have mattered, but I had grown used to his presence and wanted him beside me, especially after something so harrowing had happened. I tossed and turned. Eventually, I decided to head downstairs and make myself some calming tea.
When I got to the kitchen door, I heard voices. It was Maris and Nico, having some kind of chat, at such a late hour.
“I wish more than anything that I could be human,” Nico muttered. He sounded like he might start to cry.
“I know,” Maris said.
He sighed. “Maybe it could be real, then.”
This conversation made no sense to me, but I had the distinct sense I wasn't supposed to overhear it. Naturally, that meant I were frozen in place, unable to tear myself away from eavesdropping. I peered through the door, entranced.
“Maybe what could be real?” she wondered.
“Breccan,” he murmured.
“What about Breccan?” Maris asked.
Nico looked at the ground, as if ashamed. “Maybe - maybe we could have a real relationship. One not based on false seduction and unequal power.”
“You want an actual relationship with him?” She didn't sound like she believed it.
Nico whispered, so softly I could barely hear him, “I think - I love him, or I could, given time. If I were human, I know I would be capable of it. As I am, I'm almost certainly too - broken for true love. And too - removed from what he is.”
“This isn't some joke to you, is it?” Maris said.
He shook his head. “Joke? Not at all. It's not like - like Isabel, either. Breccan isn't some pretty thing I felt entitled to have just for being a god. With her, I didn't - really care about her true feelings, as long as the seduction worked. And it did, for a time. After it started to fail? You know...” he trailed off.
“I know,” she muttered. “You might want to tell Breccan all this, rather than talking to me in the middle of the fucking night. I don't approve of your being involved with him at all, you understand. Still, honesty is best and if you're going to mess around with him, you shouldn't hide things like that.”
Nico sighed. “As if he would believe me. Breccan - cares for me in some way. At least he is kind, but what would he think if I said I might grow to love him as a human would?”
“Considering he was with Egan, he may well think you're full of shit,” she said.
“Perhaps I am, but I mean every word of it,” he replied.
What was I supposed to think in response to that? My breath caught in my throat. Everything Nico said made no sense for a god. They didn't love like humans did. It just wasn't something that they would even care to do, but Nico? He sounded so sincere when he told Maris he might grow to love me.
My eyes stung. Was I going to cry over what I heard? Thoughts swirled in my head. Did I want Nico to feel such things for me? I already knew he desired me in some capacity as he had seduced me with his power, but love? It was one thing to fall into bed with him when I thought it was merely a physical comfort, but I didn't want to take advantage of his feelings when I wasn't sure of my own.
“Breccan?”
I leaped backwards, stumbling. “N-nico!”
Even in the low light, I could tell he blushed. “What did you hear?”
“Everything,” I whispered. “At least, I heard enough to know how you feel about - about me.”
His pale violet eyes shined in the darkness. “I meant every word of it, truly. As much as I can even feel, I do, towards you. I don't - expect you to return my affections.”
“You don't? And I'm sorry for eavesdropping,” I said, my own cheeks burning.
Nico choked on his words. “Why would you return my feelings in any real way? Considering what I am and what I've done? Nobody would, or should.”
Tears started to fall from my eyes. I wrapped my arms around Nico before I could think about what I was doing. He started crying as well, his body shaking as he wrapped his own arms around me.
“Why are you hugging me?” he asked.
I said, “I don't know. I - care about you. I'm not sure what I feel, not after everything's that happened to me. But, if what you've told me is true, I could - grow to love you in time. You're not like Egan, for all that you're of the same kind. Whatever happens to us, I want you to know that.”
He held me tighter at that, shaking in my arms. We stood there for a long time, letting the tears fall from our eyes. Nico's body was warm in my embrace, and I drew comfort from his presence despite my confusion. Strangely, there wasn't any of that lightning-like sensation, only a kind of warmth like what I might feel from embracing another human.
When I had cried all I needed to, I pulled away slightly. Nico's eyes still shined, but there was a small smile upon his face.
“We should try to get some sleep,” he murmured.
I said, “Do you want me to stay in your bed with you tonight?”
“If you're okay with that, I would like you to. It would be lonely without you there.” Nico didn't pull away from me at all.
In truth, I would be lonely without him, confused feelings or no. After all, I came downstairs in the first place because I couldn't sleep without Nico in the bed beside me. I wasn't sure what that said about us. Did that mean I wanted Nico or merely that I didn't like sleeping alone? As a mage, loneliness had never really bothered me, at least not at a level of conscious awareness. Now that I was a mundane human, it bothered me so much it hurt.
I pulled all the way away from Nico, but I took his hand as we started up the stairs. He smiled again, and the tears seemed to have gone from his eyes, at least for now. I still didn't quite know what to do about his confession. Our relationship, such as it was, had started off as an artificial thing born of Nico's godly seduction powers. The feelings behind the use of his abilities surprised me for seeming so genuine and so human.
As I settled into bed beside him, I couldn't help wondering what would happen to us. I hadn't given any thought to a future with Nico. If I were honest with myself, I had let myself escape into his arms because I didn't want to deal with the hurt from losing Finbar and from the things he said to me. For now, having Nico beside me was enough, at least for me to fall asleep.
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written for 500themes #448 - "Ripped Apart"