(no subject)
This is going to be a long one, because for so long, I've buried everything beneath and some things just need to get out there. This weekend has drained me. I've come to many conclusions and decisions that I didn't know I'd come to in two days. So here goes.
This weekend I went to my grandmother's birthday party. My uncle's wife pulled me aside to let me know some things. Apparently while I was in the hospital, my mom was saying things about me--that I was being overdramatic, and that I should be in her shoes, since her house was in foreclosure due to to a bad investment. When I got back from this heart to heart, I wanted to cry. I had been stabbed in the back by my own mom. How could she do this to me? Why would she do this? I was cold to after. I talked to my dad, who basically laid it out for me, "She's jealous, Tiff because for a moment you had the attention she was craving." I just kept repeating, "But she's my mom..." This morning, Papi called to let me know that he had a long conversation with her and to warn me that she would be calling. Ten minutes later, she did. I told her flat out, that I couldn't trust her, that she took a vulnerable moment in my life and distorted it to meet her own needs for attention. Furthermore, I told her I was sick of being her keeping. "It's great knowing Debbie and all, but I want my Mom." She promised she would change and told me that I had "woken her up." Seeing as this was the second conversation we've had, I told her, "You have one more chance. This is it." Then I told her I loved her, but I needed her to love me back, to say she loved me and I needed to be able to confide in her as a daughter would. We'll see.
I've learned a lot about my family and what it takes to love someone more than you love yourself. If it were anybody else that had done this to me, they would have been written off...delete, delete. But with family it's so different. You can't do that. I love my mom, but I want her to see what she's doing. I don't want to rub her face in it, but I want her to take responsibility for it, much like a mother would want for her child.
I've also seen the genuine outpouring of love that has come from my relatives and obviously my friends as well. This was never an attention-seeking act, but in all honesty, it's nice to hear that people are happy you're alive. Its feels good, makes you want to keep progressing, growing. It makes me never want to return to that place I was in a few months ago and as much as I love it, I will love getting out of this room where my memories are written all over the walls...
Which brings me to this: It is with mixed emotions that I "announce" I'm moving out of Quincy. Meg deserves a better roommate and I need a fresh start. I'm excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me, but this is definitely the end of an era. Meg is my favorite person on the face of the earth and the memories we've shared both good and bad, I will take with me wherever I go. She is my wifey and I have nothing but love for her and that big heart of her's. I quit MW and will collect unemployment (Don't ask how I managed to do that...blow jobs may have transpired...lol) I am going to live my grandfather and his wife in the countryside (aka Middleborough) until I: A.) Hear back from Perkins School for the Blind regarding their live-in assistant teaching position or B.) Find a live-in nanny position somewhere. I'm scared for the future, but excited that I have one. However fearful I may be, it can't be any worse than where I've been. I'm just thinking positive for now. That's all I can do.
I guess for the first in a while, I'm waking from my coma. And I choose to live.
Forever your free spirit,
Tiffany L. Phillips
This weekend I went to my grandmother's birthday party. My uncle's wife pulled me aside to let me know some things. Apparently while I was in the hospital, my mom was saying things about me--that I was being overdramatic, and that I should be in her shoes, since her house was in foreclosure due to to a bad investment. When I got back from this heart to heart, I wanted to cry. I had been stabbed in the back by my own mom. How could she do this to me? Why would she do this? I was cold to after. I talked to my dad, who basically laid it out for me, "She's jealous, Tiff because for a moment you had the attention she was craving." I just kept repeating, "But she's my mom..." This morning, Papi called to let me know that he had a long conversation with her and to warn me that she would be calling. Ten minutes later, she did. I told her flat out, that I couldn't trust her, that she took a vulnerable moment in my life and distorted it to meet her own needs for attention. Furthermore, I told her I was sick of being her keeping. "It's great knowing Debbie and all, but I want my Mom." She promised she would change and told me that I had "woken her up." Seeing as this was the second conversation we've had, I told her, "You have one more chance. This is it." Then I told her I loved her, but I needed her to love me back, to say she loved me and I needed to be able to confide in her as a daughter would. We'll see.
I've learned a lot about my family and what it takes to love someone more than you love yourself. If it were anybody else that had done this to me, they would have been written off...delete, delete. But with family it's so different. You can't do that. I love my mom, but I want her to see what she's doing. I don't want to rub her face in it, but I want her to take responsibility for it, much like a mother would want for her child.
I've also seen the genuine outpouring of love that has come from my relatives and obviously my friends as well. This was never an attention-seeking act, but in all honesty, it's nice to hear that people are happy you're alive. Its feels good, makes you want to keep progressing, growing. It makes me never want to return to that place I was in a few months ago and as much as I love it, I will love getting out of this room where my memories are written all over the walls...
Which brings me to this: It is with mixed emotions that I "announce" I'm moving out of Quincy. Meg deserves a better roommate and I need a fresh start. I'm excited for the opportunities that lay ahead of me, but this is definitely the end of an era. Meg is my favorite person on the face of the earth and the memories we've shared both good and bad, I will take with me wherever I go. She is my wifey and I have nothing but love for her and that big heart of her's. I quit MW and will collect unemployment (Don't ask how I managed to do that...blow jobs may have transpired...lol) I am going to live my grandfather and his wife in the countryside (aka Middleborough) until I: A.) Hear back from Perkins School for the Blind regarding their live-in assistant teaching position or B.) Find a live-in nanny position somewhere. I'm scared for the future, but excited that I have one. However fearful I may be, it can't be any worse than where I've been. I'm just thinking positive for now. That's all I can do.
I guess for the first in a while, I'm waking from my coma. And I choose to live.
Forever your free spirit,
Tiffany L. Phillips