(no subject)
Ummm..okay. *Deep Breath*
I've really really been trying to avoid writing this journal entry. This whole issue is so much bigger than I am and I know that making it public is going to spark controversy and judgement. But I am at a true crossroads in my life right now and my decision will impact my future like no other choice has or will. If some one is truely going to know me from here on out, they will know the obstacles I've faced and the choices I've made. I can't let this be buried only to eat me alive emotionally for the rest of my life. I still don't know for sure what is going to happen yet, but I'm not going to be ashamed either way.
And no, I'm not just being dramatic.
So as you all know, my son Damon passed away less than a year ago. It was devastating. It completey broke our entire family. I feel terrible as his urn has sat untouched on his shelf for months now, but neither of us can bring ourselves to even acknowledge it without breaking down. We've made a lot of progress but we've both still got quite a few wounds deep down. I can't talk to pregnant women, I can't look at newborn babies. If I let myself start crying it just doesn't stop. All I want is him.
Here is where the new problem lies. I just found out last week that I'm pregnant again. This really is the worst news we could possibly get right now. Again, I got pregnant while on the birth control pill. The first time I just blew it off as me missing a pill or my herbal PMS pills effecting the BC. But this time I know. We've been meticulous. So, there is a part of me that is kinda of saying, "Hey...maybe we're supposed to have this baby"
But there are so many factors in the way. We'll go smallest to largest.
#1) I am on anti depressents and anti anxiety medication that I am absolutely 100% not ready to be taken off of yet. I think anyone who reads this or knows me can probably agree that I'm a neurotic headcase and in light of the circumstances this would be the worse thing for me or the baby. However, I'm sure the doctors would be able to help me with this somehow. No biggie.
#2) I've drank and smoked weed pretty much every weekend for the past month until I found out. I've also continued taking the birth control pill while pregnant which is known to cause birth defects.(Now I haven't taken so much as a Tylenol). This obviously could cause a whole new world of issues for a fetus. However, I do know that many women have carried on doing this sort of thing for entire pregnancies and had healthy babies, so this alone would never deter me from carrying on.
#3) Brandon and I are in a terrible place financially. I mean terrible. We sacraficed so much trying to plan for Damon. Every penny went toward planning for a baby. I had to go on maternity leave early because my job at the Casino was way too demanding physically (and no one would freshly hire a pregnant girl, despite protection from that sort of discrimination in the Human Rights Act, but I don't really blame them). Since I was only working at the Casino part time since I was in University, my maternity leave only paid me $500 a month. We went into quite a bit of debt. When Damon died, Brandon had an epiphany and decided to seize the opportunity to better himself. He wanted to become a successful provider so that we can one day plan for a family. Now that Brandon is in school, he can only work part time and we have an extra $20,000 in debt on our shoulders. We're just scraping by. However, we still have all of Damon's things and would not need to buy anything for a new baby (Unless it was a girl ofcourse, in which case we'd need new clothing). It would just be the fact that me on maternity leave would result in us not being able to make rent. However, if this alone were the only obstacle, again we would find a way and tough it out.
#4) The likelihood of this baby passing away like Damon did is unknown. The likelihood of this baby having a poor quality of life due to any variety of brain defects is also unknown. They initially thought Damon passed from a genetic abnormality passed from both Brandon and I, which would make the reoccurrance rate 25%. They've since disregarded this theory as he was missing a few fundamental traits of walker warburg syndrome, (the genetic syndrome the initially suspected). However, I'm still not comfortable with this theory being dismissed and the genetic councelors admit they are also unsure. Characteristics of Walker Warburg include a smooth brain, an underdeveloped cerebellum, eye abnormalities, an underveloped penis and undescended testicles, clubbed feet and hands, and an abnormally long spinal cord. Damon had all of these traits. No one can explain to me how any of these traits are connected with the new "explanation". The new theory proposes that something traumatic happened at around 20 weeks (which coincidentally was when I was completely stressed out of my mind as we found out about Damons clubbed feet and I had to go through a number of scary procedures to "make sure" everything else was okay (look how well that turned out). I do believe this is true. Well, I can't dispute it. The Dr. who did the autopsy found that Damon was missing a lot of blood and had a lot of scar tissue, which indicates he had a "bleed" after significant trauma. I should have miscarried (the only time this has ever been seen is in miscarried or pre term infants) but my body for some reason kept growing him. Therefore, no Doctors know what to expect from a baby who was carried to term despite a bleed like his. There have been no documented cases of this happening. So, maybe this is the reason behind all of the other traits? It could be. It might not be. If this is the reason, why were the clubbed feet there in the first place? And why is there a genetic condition that embodies every single one of his abnormalities?
My suspicions are that he did have Walker Warburg (this can't be confirmed by DNA because the genes involved in this syndrome aren't even known) and that he also had a brain bleed. Of course I could be totally off, but as no one can tell us anything for sure, this is my interpretation of the results.
Which means, there is a 25% chance of the next baby inheriting Walker Warburg syndrome (which is fatal within the first year). And if the bleed was caused by my own stress, it can only be imagined what would happen this time around. (Even with a minor bleed, the effects would be similar to cerebral palsy). I am quite surprised I haven't yet miscarried as I have been absolutely going out of my mind for the past week.
Either way, there are no tests that could predict this happening again until after the baby is born.
My family, my Brandon, my friends, my logic- my everything is telling me to terminate this pregnancy.
But, my heart.
I want a baby. I want Damon. This is bringing so many things back to me. I remember how much I loved him and wanted to protect him. I feel like I have to protect this baby. I feel like it's vulnerability just makes me need to love it more. The more other people tell me I need to abort, the more defensive I get about it. This is my baby. This is Brandon and I. This is a little curly-haired girl learning to ride a bike. This is Daddy laying his son in his crib after reading him the peek-a-boo book. This is everything I dreamt about and planned for for the past two years. My arms are still aching without Damon in them and that small voice in my brain is telling me this could be the answer to all of our pain. This could be a blessing. It happened against all odds; Maybe it's supposed to be.
Also, the thought of terminating my own baby is so against who I am. I literally can't kill bugs. I walk around ants on the side walk and make Brandon put bugs outside if they get in the house. I cried the other day watching little baby chickens get thrown around conveyor belts in a factory (on tv). Growing up, if I saw my cats attacking something on the lawn I would run outside in bare feet to rescue it. My Grampy took me to the Habitation when I was about 6 years old and I yelled at the employees when I saw a beaver skin on the wall.
If I go through with this, it is going to cause a lot of emotional turmoil for me and anyone who cares about me.
But emotional turmoil couldn't even describe what would happen if we sacraficed it all again to simply watch this baby meet the same or similar fate as Damon did. We just can't risk it. For the 5 days Damon was with us he was constantly being scraped and prodded with needles. I wasn't even allowed to hold him until we found out he was going to die. There was nothing I could do to help him at that point. He was taken from my body, where he was safe, and layed out in an incubator connected to tubes and IV's, under the sign that said "Baby Male". Not Damon, Baby Male. He was nameless, in pain and there was nothing we could do.
All I want to do is protect this baby and it seems the best way for me to protect it is to let it go now rather than later,
But the what if's
God, the fucking what if's.