I honor my Grandfather for Father's Day. My Father is no Father of mine.
My acting Father was my own Grandfather. He treated with respect, loved and cared for me no matter what state I was in or if I gave him a lack of respect.
I'm fully disappointed in my own Father's actions. It is supposedly my fault for not keeping in contact with him, yet, I am and was not the adult in the situation. I am deeply cut by his actions. Upon my Mother's death he told me he would be there for me, no matter what.
I've called him numerous of times, left messages, but there have been no responses. I figure I am the defect.
I know I am loved by my family members I do possess (Only being my Grandmother and Aunt), but it still hurts me to the bone that he can't even continue contact with me. What did I do to him that was so incredibly harmful? Nothing. I was a teenager, who, given the limits of his own boundaries, didn't break many of the rules. I failed some tests, went to movies with my friends that were in fact boys, yet it was under no way sexually inclined.
My question has always been why?
Why me?
No one can give me that answer, and certainly not him. I wanted to love him so badly, but he put up a wall, and became the compulsive liar he is today. I suppose I am always condemned to be oustrasized for who I am. Though, who I am is not a bad thing. I am responsible, I took care of my Grandfather with Alzheimer's for many years, causing my grades to fail because of this. I now am taking care of my Grandmother. This is to no burden, but I feel unjustified in my actions. I was seen as the devil child.
Why do I deserve such treatment?
Why can't my own family love me?
I suppose people like to hide behind the facade and say it's complicated. It is not. I've sent card after card to my sister (If you're reading this, yes I have, and if you actually did see them, he lied and said he never received them).
I don't think it's possible for him to love me. It was almost if he resented my stay at his home as much as my Step Father resented me when I lived with my Mother. I suppose the other underlining factor was my Step Mother. Who liked to cause conflict between me as much as she most possibly could. She may be a better person today, who knows, but the living hell that she created for me then was unbearable. This is the big rift that is starting, perhaps causing me to resent all men. I can not help it, I would like to be able to, but I am can not even comprehend the hurt that has been bestowed upon me.
I'm fully disappointed in my own Father's actions. It is supposedly my fault for not keeping in contact with him, yet, I am and was not the adult in the situation. I am deeply cut by his actions. Upon my Mother's death he told me he would be there for me, no matter what.
I've called him numerous of times, left messages, but there have been no responses. I figure I am the defect.
I know I am loved by my family members I do possess (Only being my Grandmother and Aunt), but it still hurts me to the bone that he can't even continue contact with me. What did I do to him that was so incredibly harmful? Nothing. I was a teenager, who, given the limits of his own boundaries, didn't break many of the rules. I failed some tests, went to movies with my friends that were in fact boys, yet it was under no way sexually inclined.
My question has always been why?
Why me?
No one can give me that answer, and certainly not him. I wanted to love him so badly, but he put up a wall, and became the compulsive liar he is today. I suppose I am always condemned to be oustrasized for who I am. Though, who I am is not a bad thing. I am responsible, I took care of my Grandfather with Alzheimer's for many years, causing my grades to fail because of this. I now am taking care of my Grandmother. This is to no burden, but I feel unjustified in my actions. I was seen as the devil child.
Why do I deserve such treatment?
Why can't my own family love me?
I suppose people like to hide behind the facade and say it's complicated. It is not. I've sent card after card to my sister (If you're reading this, yes I have, and if you actually did see them, he lied and said he never received them).
I don't think it's possible for him to love me. It was almost if he resented my stay at his home as much as my Step Father resented me when I lived with my Mother. I suppose the other underlining factor was my Step Mother. Who liked to cause conflict between me as much as she most possibly could. She may be a better person today, who knows, but the living hell that she created for me then was unbearable. This is the big rift that is starting, perhaps causing me to resent all men. I can not help it, I would like to be able to, but I am can not even comprehend the hurt that has been bestowed upon me.