on loose ends
I have this nasty habit of putting my emotional needs aside so that I can forget that I have pain in my life. Due to this habit - and the fact that once you build your wall high enough, it will eventually tumble - I have recently rediscovered how seriously fucked beyond all repair I am.
Allow me to name the ways.
1) I'm terrified of commitment.
Have you ever been put in the situation where something is bad for you, but when you're doing it, you don't want to be doing anything else? When someone is hurting you everytime you see him, and hurting you whenever he's away from you, but you love him so much that it doesn't matter? Because when you're together, it feels like everything's alright again?
Well those kind of situations can mess you up, as I have learned. And experienced.
You see, when I loved him, and was doing everything I could to keep him, I was compromising myself. I was giving up who I was to keep him near me. And a fat lot of good it was doing me. He was cheating on me. When he wasn't with me, he was usually with somebody else. And I knew it. But I loved him. I thought he would change for me. I thought that given enough time, and enough of my love, he would realize that he didn't want all of them. And he'd want me again.
Well, point is that, after two years, I realized exactly what had happened. And, God, I was pissed. I was so pissed, that I didn't realize for months that I was actually heartbroken. I didn't realize I was heartbroken until I saw him drunk one night, and then it all came pouring out.
And even after all of that, I'm not over him. After all that I've been through with him, he was still the first person I loved, and that sticks with you, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't.
Because of all of that, I've been traumatized, in any classic sense of the word. Because I loved him so much, and gave up so much to be with him, I don't feel safe letting myself let my guard down around people anymore.
Love is scary. Love is more frightening than anything you can find in a nightmare. Because love is falling, and if he's not there to catch you, you'll get hurt.
I've only let one other person in since, and he broke my heart too. But, you know, so it goes. That's how love goes, right?
I'll learn. Someone will tear down that wall, and I won't be able to keep myself from falling into the palm of their hands.
2) Due to my fear of commitment, I seek flaws in other people to avoid getting close to them.
This is relatively self-explanatory. Whenever someone starts to get in, something in my sub-conscious goes off and tells me that they can't be right. Something starts to bug me, and then it drives me crazy, and then I can't stand it. I suppose it's a defense mechanism. But, it's also something that I can't really control, I've found. I've tried giving people the benefit of the doubt. But, eventually, something will get to me, and I can't cope with it. I have a low tolerance for humanity, and a high standard. A bad combination, if you think about it.
3) I try to remove my emotions from myself, because they hurt to much to deal with.
Probably from the same relationship as previously mentioned. Having emotions and feelings with a noncommittal partner is a sign of weakness, and a surefire way of making them leave faster. I know, because I am now the person that runs from emotions. After spending two years trying to subdivide my emotions away from myself, I've lost contact with them. They only pop up in times like these, when I need to figure myself out.
And that's what's truly happened. I've lost myself somewhere in the meantime of where I started - a naive girl just taking her first steps into the world of love - and where I am now - a cynic who can't even find the time to cry when her heart gets crushed, who only feels in tidal waves.
I don't want this way of existence for anyone. Take this long, ran of a post as a warning, for you and me. In time, I'll figure out how to get that back. How to find my way back into the world of emotions without breaking myself in the process. I'll heal.
Take this as a promise. I vow to take better care of my emotional self. To feel the world as it comes. To endure the pain, and celebrate the happiness. To live in the moment as the moment is happening.
I vow to vent more frequently, so I don't get myself stalled when I try to move past something that truly bothers me.
I vow to get my true self back, and be happy again.
Give me some time, friends, and you'll soon see me a changed woman. A happy, successful, and truly alive person.
You'll see.
P.S. I promise to get an entertaining, happy post out soon. I swear it. I bet tomorrow will be lively, yeah? Just you wait.
Allow me to name the ways.
1) I'm terrified of commitment.
Have you ever been put in the situation where something is bad for you, but when you're doing it, you don't want to be doing anything else? When someone is hurting you everytime you see him, and hurting you whenever he's away from you, but you love him so much that it doesn't matter? Because when you're together, it feels like everything's alright again?
Well those kind of situations can mess you up, as I have learned. And experienced.
You see, when I loved him, and was doing everything I could to keep him, I was compromising myself. I was giving up who I was to keep him near me. And a fat lot of good it was doing me. He was cheating on me. When he wasn't with me, he was usually with somebody else. And I knew it. But I loved him. I thought he would change for me. I thought that given enough time, and enough of my love, he would realize that he didn't want all of them. And he'd want me again.
Well, point is that, after two years, I realized exactly what had happened. And, God, I was pissed. I was so pissed, that I didn't realize for months that I was actually heartbroken. I didn't realize I was heartbroken until I saw him drunk one night, and then it all came pouring out.
And even after all of that, I'm not over him. After all that I've been through with him, he was still the first person I loved, and that sticks with you, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't.
Because of all of that, I've been traumatized, in any classic sense of the word. Because I loved him so much, and gave up so much to be with him, I don't feel safe letting myself let my guard down around people anymore.
Love is scary. Love is more frightening than anything you can find in a nightmare. Because love is falling, and if he's not there to catch you, you'll get hurt.
I've only let one other person in since, and he broke my heart too. But, you know, so it goes. That's how love goes, right?
I'll learn. Someone will tear down that wall, and I won't be able to keep myself from falling into the palm of their hands.
2) Due to my fear of commitment, I seek flaws in other people to avoid getting close to them.
This is relatively self-explanatory. Whenever someone starts to get in, something in my sub-conscious goes off and tells me that they can't be right. Something starts to bug me, and then it drives me crazy, and then I can't stand it. I suppose it's a defense mechanism. But, it's also something that I can't really control, I've found. I've tried giving people the benefit of the doubt. But, eventually, something will get to me, and I can't cope with it. I have a low tolerance for humanity, and a high standard. A bad combination, if you think about it.
3) I try to remove my emotions from myself, because they hurt to much to deal with.
Probably from the same relationship as previously mentioned. Having emotions and feelings with a noncommittal partner is a sign of weakness, and a surefire way of making them leave faster. I know, because I am now the person that runs from emotions. After spending two years trying to subdivide my emotions away from myself, I've lost contact with them. They only pop up in times like these, when I need to figure myself out.
And that's what's truly happened. I've lost myself somewhere in the meantime of where I started - a naive girl just taking her first steps into the world of love - and where I am now - a cynic who can't even find the time to cry when her heart gets crushed, who only feels in tidal waves.
I don't want this way of existence for anyone. Take this long, ran of a post as a warning, for you and me. In time, I'll figure out how to get that back. How to find my way back into the world of emotions without breaking myself in the process. I'll heal.
Take this as a promise. I vow to take better care of my emotional self. To feel the world as it comes. To endure the pain, and celebrate the happiness. To live in the moment as the moment is happening.
I vow to vent more frequently, so I don't get myself stalled when I try to move past something that truly bothers me.
I vow to get my true self back, and be happy again.
Give me some time, friends, and you'll soon see me a changed woman. A happy, successful, and truly alive person.
You'll see.
P.S. I promise to get an entertaining, happy post out soon. I swear it. I bet tomorrow will be lively, yeah? Just you wait.